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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to split money this way?

258 replies

Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 21:18

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 22:20

@MkssMarka but that's part of the problem. For my husband it doesn't work when our financial situations are reversed. He sees the early inheritance from my dad as our money but his salary as only his money.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/05/2020 22:21

@missmarks its not about buying you something its about making choices together. When my husband gets a bonus we decide together what best works for the family and us as a team.

MissMarks · 09/05/2020 22:22

Well you just have to tell him to GTF if he wants to spend it on himself. If it was to go to mortgage fair enough. Do you know what he wants it for??

VerticalHorizon · 09/05/2020 22:24

because he's going to work for both of you, just like one parent might look after the kids.
If one parent is a high flyer, and other is a nurse, one isn't working harder than another, they are both working as a partnership, and between them, they earn money.

If you start saying 'well I'm the high earner, so I deserve what I earn', you are also saying the other deserves only what they earn, which in turn starts to look a little bit like each unto their own...

MissMarks · 09/05/2020 22:24

Quartz- I am talking about a relatively small bonus. My husband and I would talk about various things that need doing on the house for example but if there was something he really wanted and he had worked hard for I don’t think it would be fair for me to dictate he had to share it with me. It is about common sense.

ivykaty44 · 09/05/2020 22:25

id ask your father to hold onto the large sum of money, keep that for a rainy day, alternatively put it somewhere safe in your name and keep. silent about it

Seems your not a partnership after all and thats not good.

you've stayed hoe to raise joint children but you are the parent and he is a war earner who isn't going to let you have money to just spend as you please

get yourself a job pdq and sort out paying childcare between you, get a cleaner to pick u his socks

minettechatouette · 09/05/2020 22:26

YANBU at all. My DH and I both pay our earnings into a joint account and pay mortgage, household bills etc out of the joint account. We also pay ourselves an 'allowance' each month into our own accounts for spending on our own stuff. When there's anything left we divide it equally and put into savings/pension. I've always been the higher earner and DH is currently not in work and we are still doing this.

I think your DH's attitude is completely out of order. Definitely keep the inheritance to yourself.

VerticalHorizon · 09/05/2020 22:26

If you went picking apples together and the man can reach 5 apples but you can only reach 2, would it be fair to say 'these are MY apples'?

You picked 7 between your efforts. Share the 7, and if any are left you don't begrudge each other having an extra one.

Likethebattle · 09/05/2020 22:26

That’s fine then we’ll just keep all money separate...ALL money!

Quartz2208 · 09/05/2020 22:28

well yes @missmarks because you discuss it together and decide that the best use of the money is getting the lawn mower that he wants. So yes common sense and making sure that both of you are happy.

@Wibu123 the fact that you think that means you have some thinking and talking to do. You should be the one who is angry. I would hold off on your Dad giving you anything now

angieloumc · 09/05/2020 22:29

I'd get your DF to keep hold of the money for now and divorce your H. I am actually serious too; he is showing you who he is.
Even if he says you will split your SMP and his salary for now, once he gets his hands on half of your DF's money he will go back on it.

minettechatouette · 09/05/2020 22:30

And agree with others - if you are going to divorce him it would be better to get the inheritance after the divorce. It could potentially be split.

Durgasarrow · 09/05/2020 22:32

He is exploiting you if he expects you to put your career on hold, bear his young, throw your inheritance into the communal pot, run the household, and then have a less than equal share of his earnings. You are both adults and should be equal partners.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/05/2020 22:33

Tell your dad to hang onto the inheritance. Tell your DH that your dad has had to reconsider due to change in financial circumstances due to pandemic. Do not feel guilty about this. You need to protect yourself
You have no idea how much spare cash your DH keeps for himself. That’s not normal and that’s dishonest. Insist on full financial disclosure on your incomes I’d even be looking into counselling. What he is doing feels financially abusive to me and his attitude stinks.
You need to be on the same page regarding your salaries moving forward. Before the inheritance enters the mix. Keep it off the table until you are sure about your marriage. I’d also get this thread deleted.
This man is clearly only interested in himself and his financial well-being. He will have no hesitation in screwing you over. Protect yourself and your kids

MissMarks · 09/05/2020 22:33

Quartz- exactly. What I mean is I don’t expect him to randomly give me money to spend just because he has more. If I felt I was struggling it would be different but as long as he is spending it relatively sensibly on things that are benefiting the family I don’t really care. If he was drinking or gambling it it would be a different story!

Lockheart · 09/05/2020 22:34

I think these sorts of arrangements only work where both parties are earning broadly similar amounts.

If one partner earns a significantly higher amount, it's shitty for one to have lots of disposable income whilst the other has none, or for one to be able to save lots of money whilst the other can't afford to.

If you were the higher earner, is that really how you'd want to treat your spouse? I couldn't imagine going out and spending money on luxuries and treats for myself, knowing my partner can't afford to. Nor could I imagine wanting to funnel my money into private savings that wouldn't benefit the family.

That's not a partnership. That's "I'm alright Jack and you, the apparent love of my life, can sit on it and swivel."

Both partners should have equal disposable income. Neither should be hiding money away from the other. That will be the death of a relationship.

RandomMess · 09/05/2020 22:34

If you don't spend the inheritance on family stuff then yes you can potentially keep it as an individual asset.

Him deserving a swanky BMW and you and the DC the old banger- he doesn't see you as an equal or deserving of a lifestyle equal to him...

Saz12 · 09/05/2020 22:37

I don’t get why you’d marry someone who wasn’t in the same team as you.
If your DP was fired tomorrow then you’d support him. If he fell ill you’d support him. You’re a team.
Regardless of who earns what.

Your DF’s money should be shared as family money, just in the same way as his salary is. If he doesn’t share income, you don’t share inheritance. Simples.

Original poster
Wibu123 · 09/05/2020 22:38

@Rainbowqueen why delete the thread?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2020 22:39

Have a read of the link below. You would not be receiving inheritance but a financial gift. If your father dies within 8 years you will potentially have to pay inheritance tax on it. You would therefore be a fool to gift any money to your husband as you would be responsible for paying all of the IHT.

Your dad needs to get proper legal advice before giving you the money on how to best protect this asset and you need to ensure you do not share it with your husband at any time as well as following instructions. That means no loans or just popping it into a joint account for a few days etc. He would probably fight you for it in a divorce so you’d need to be ultra careful. It is still a bit of a grey area. But your husband earns more than enough to provide for your family.

www.blbsolicitors.co.uk/blog/inheritance-and-divorce/

Please let me be clear. I am not normally the first to shout ltb. However, he absolutely has shown you who he is time and time again. It is disgusting he drove around in a swish car and you a crap mobile. His behaviour is horrible.

Jux · 09/05/2020 22:40

MissMarks, I think all income is household and family income. So if OP were earning twice what her dh was earning would make no difference.

Large purchases should be discussed and agreed, so your dh should have consulted you about his big spend. He couldn't earn that bonus if he didn't have a supportive partner especially when there are children. So that bonus is a bonus for both of you and therefore you have equal say about how it's spent.

Mythologies · 09/05/2020 22:40

I had a husband who divided finances like this - I had no idea how much he earned - all my money was controlled by him and went on bills and family - I got a large sum of money, backpay that I had earned - he took it all left me with nothing - when I left, I left with the clothes on my back - literally - he took everything.
Divorce him and take your father's money only when the divorce is final

Ellisandra · 09/05/2020 22:42

That’s a massively risky “Potentially” @RandomMess. OP needs to speak privately to a solicitor about exactly what she’d need to do to be able to show inheritance shouldn’t be included in a divorce, before accepting a penny from her dad. Even then, if there’s a period between receiving it and a (possible future) divorce OP has to be sure she can stand up to her husband to refuse him spending. Which frankly, if she didn’t tell him to piss off commenting on her spending, isn’t going to happen Sad

Patsypie · 09/05/2020 22:43

I'd definitely hold off getting money from your father until this is resolved. He clearly doesn't want to share his money but wants a share of yours! If think twice if you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, get your father to wait!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2020 22:44

I should have added, I would also take some of the money after you have separated. Then all of the money once divorced.