To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Oh, op, I'm glad you're happy with the outcome but your updates don't make me think you now have equal access, ownership and say :(

Oh dear.
“He’s not abusive”

Storming out to calm down (punish you) when you ask a reasonable question could be an example on a leaflet called “how to spot abuse”

You know best OP I hope you never regret your actions.

And what’s wrong with having £500 a month to do with as you please!?

It's slightly scary to see how many people are insisting that OP's DP is abusive and 'only in it for the money' even after she's calmly stated he's not. There's nothing wrong with advising her to be careful, but shouting that they should divorce and he's abusing her helps noone.

I think its because where both people in the couple are married, and have children and have both agreed that one of the parents will stay at home to look after children while the other concentrates on their career, and then the worker -

Sees the money as 'their money' not joint money
Splits the money unfairly so they have a much higher disposable income
Makes the SAHP buy things for the children and family out of their share leaving them nothing for treats or hobbies
Makes the SAHP justify spending that they would not have to even tell the SAHP about
Has their own savings and pension but doesnt enable the SAHP to have their own
Is secretive about money, how much they earn, how much they spend on themselves, how much they save etc while feeling they can scrutinise the SAHPs spending patterns
Feels that anything the SAHP gains eg inheritance, lottery win, previous investments etc is family money, while their money is their money
Gets angry when challenged on the unfairness of financial matters

This is financial abuse. And the OP's husband seems to have demonstrated a fair few of these behaviours over a period of time (rather than one isolated incident) so it's not a massive jump to come to that assumption. It is also common for people being abused to not realise, or deny it.

I still think OP it would be wise to wait a good while for the inheritance and see that he actually does what he says he is going to. Also ensure you have the final say in what you do with your inheritance

Well my oh earns more than me so we’ve worked out what ratio we each need to contribute to the bills based on our individual earnings so he pays more than me. Then we each keep what’s left over in our individual accounts.

When I was on mat leave he gave me a monthly ‘allowance’ so I had extra money to spend on socialising and getting my hair done etc. I found it a bit demeaning at first, having to take money from him as I’ve always prided myself in working hard and paying my own way in life, so I made it clear to him that he had absolutely no right to question anything I spent with it...and he was fine with that.

If I was a stay at home mum I’d expect him to give me disposable income like a salary would...without questioning spends within reason...I couldn’t be doing with a man who questioned petrol or how much I spend on coffee (like some friends husbands do)...but equally I have no desire to share in any extra income he has beyond the usual shared holidays, shopping etc, he’s worked hard for his position and I don’t feel I have the right to everything he has just because we are married....if he chooses to spend it on the family great, but if not then that’s his call....again within reason.