To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Oh how the tables would turn if you were the higher earner.

I agree @Ellisandra it also means it can be argued in a divorce that she has other assets to offset her lower earning potential whereas usually unequal earnings mean that the lower earner gets a higher share of joint assets on divorce.

With regards to early inheritance. My mum and I have spread the risk. We have a joint account in mine and hers name. I can spend what I like from it. If I divorce, legally DH is entitled to half of my share of the account. If she does only half is counted in her estate, I think. It's a compromise which means that I can control the money. I spend it on what I like but I've been keeping the bulk of it for school fees, or a rainy day. DH knows about it but doesn't know how much.

I'd consider something similar. Or putting in the children's name but there are right restrictions on withdrawing it.

Why do you need to split the difference at the end of the month? Why can’t the money just stay in the joint account for joint spending?

Some of the replies on here baffle me. Even if there are people who believe the higher earner deserves to keep more of their money, you could put it into a joint account, pay bills then share out the excess relative to the earnings. That would still leave each person with money after everything anyway. None of that explains away OP's husband's horrific reaction to her suggestion. It doesn't matter if he doesn't agree with her, why on earth would he behave this way towards her?! Whether he has something to hide or not?! (Which for the record I feel he does). She brought up something that was important to her and he threw a hissy fit. Absolutely pathetic. Obviously divorce isn't something to just rush into but OP I think this problem needs to be addressed aside from the finances. And you're right, he expects to share your DFs inheritance? Or course he does! What does he want the money for?!

I earn 40% more than DH, and I’ve had small amounts of inheritances. I’m likely to increase my earnings, his are likely to go down. I have employer pensions, he’s just started a private pension (Christmas). The only thing we’re likely to get from his family is the funeral bill... our wages go into our separate accounts but i transfer everything into our joint accounts. We withdraw spends on Friday night, the same equal amount. We talk through big purchases, but it’ll get split 50/50 if we ever split,

Jux- that may work for some but for us I like to keep things separate. Prior to having children I earned double what my husband did and got big quarterly bonuses. There is no way I would have given him half and he wouldn’t have expected me too. I did pay for him to go on several luxury holidays but that was my choice.
He doesn’t earn more now because we had children and I took on more of the care- he earns more as he works in a job that pays better than mine- but it was my choice to happily walk away from my high paying job- I could have continued to have my children in childcare five days a week and still had the big money but I was worn out and happy to take a step back- that was my choice. Meanwhile my husband continued to work and we now have a lovely home and my earnings are now much higher as kids are older.
I just find it really disempowering for woman to have this idea that they should be financially subsidised. Provided you aren’t in financial hardship whilst your husband is living it up, I really don’t understand the expectation that it has to be completely equal all the time. Assuming you plan to be in the relationship for the rest of your life I just think it all evens out in the end.

We have an account each and a joint account. As soon as we get paid we pool all the money... I budget and move some around into different savings pots. Started off DP earning more now I earn more. I can't imagine a relationship where I potentially had more spending money because I earn more. Imagine for example buying myself the latest clothes and not worrying about DP. We have joint goals and we want the same things out of life and pool our money to get there... if we want a few luxuries on the way that's fine. I would mention if I had a spent say £100 clothes shopping but half the time I would have bought him bits too. I'm not sure what you agreed to at the beginning of your relationship but things change and having kids changes things. If I was you I would be making sure my inheritance was paid into my account whilst your DP is so protective over his spending money each month, leaving you to have to approach him if you need something whilst on mat leave bringing up his kids!!

If you are looking after the children then of course you are financially subsidised, and that is only fair, surely? (MissMarks)

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. DH earns approx same as your DH and I earn about the same as you. All the money goes into one account, we don’t have our own money. I think if one partner spends a lot more on themselves it’s reasonable to each have their own spending money but once it’s split equally. It’s hard to know if I would feel any different if I was the bigger earner but I hope not.

Under no circumstances would I share your dad’s money if DH isn’t willing to share income.

Are you not a couple, a family and working for a common cause, providing for your living expenses, mortgage and bills. I can't quite understand the his and mine attitude of either of you. As for the inheritance if it's on long term investments or paying of a mortgage etc. Surely you'll both gain. It would be daft to squander this "gift" on anything frivolous. You are both being a bit childish on your outlook IMO.

Just did rough calculation based on appx amounts. He has about £800 left each month after mortgage, bills, loans and savings. Wracking my brains trying to think what else he pays for while scooping my jaw off the floor.

I'm afraid I agree with angieloumc. I think at this stage you run the risk that he will agree to the income split until he gets his hands on the inheritance.

Call me a doctor- I think it is fair for you to expected to be financially supported but I don’t think that necessarily means you have free rein to all other half’s earnings! Like I have said- it is a long game and once children are at school surely you have the potential to earn your own money. At that point in my house once the bills are covered what ever else is left you keep to spend as you wish. This month for example I have spent a good few hundred pounds of my money on plants for the garden (it needs a lot of work), but my husband is getting a pile of top soil for another part of the garden which will be more than I spent but neither of us care as it is give and take. I bought the kids new trainers today, he bought me a fancy bottle of gin. I just can’t imagine us counting everything down to the last penny to make sure no one had more!

That would be a deal breaker for me. It's not that I would now want him to share. I'd want him to fuck off and take his selfish arse with him. I'd tell my dad to hold back on the inheritance and I'd leave that selfish fucker and start again.

And yes on another thread I told someone who earned £4K more than her boyfriend that she shouldn't share money because she'd only known him 18 months and they hadn't yet lived together. This is completely different.

I think IHT only kicks in after £350K.
More than that is only free of tax if father lives seven years after gift.
In divorce if you already had the inheritance - you would possibly have to give a certain % to DH - at least half - depending on what his and your other assets amount to.

Your approach is what most couples do, they have the same amount of disposable income for spending.
Can you post a link to the stats that indicate this?

800 if thats his money thats alot. God what an ass. Just thinking could your dad open account in your name get post sent to him (inheritance money) So mean checking your spending.

"He took out two loans for our cars a few years ago (he got a swish BMW for his fancy job, I got an old banger 😵 to cart the kids around in that he won't be seen dead in at work)."
Surely yours couldn't be that much of an old banger if he needed to take out a loan to pay for it? But, in any event, he bought you a car on a loan that he pays for.

So say your early inheritance is 100k, are you supposed to hand over 50k to him no questions asked?

I'm with the other posters. I would seriously consider asking your dad to hang fire on giving you the money. I think you are likely to need it going forward and I think whilst it's still in your dads name he has no claim on it.

It would really concern me if my husband behaved as yours did over money.

For comparison: both our salaries are paid into a joint account. This account met all household costs, holidays, savings, going out for a coffee together - everything. Standing orders transferred a monthly 'pocket money' to our personal accounts. My 'pocket money' would pay for haircuts, clothes - purely personal purchases. Importantly, we both got the same amount of personal funds, regardless of what we are putting into the joint account. At the start we earned roughly the same. Right now he earns considerably more - but we still have the same personal money. When money was tighter, that amount went down - for both of us. When times were good, it went up again - for both of us. But we always got the same out, regardless of what we were putting in.

Your husband seems to be taking the "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine as well" line. Not acceptable. Not remotely acceptable.

Tell your dad to keep his money for the moment. You and your husband need to have A Talk About Finances. He needs to be reminded that not every contribution to the household is monetary, and that he wouldn't be able to earn that salary without the domestic and emotional support you provide to the household pot. If he doesn't value that support as much as he values money - then the whole relationship is up for re-evaluation .

DH and I have been married for more than 30 years. We always did the same as PP have suggested upthread: pooled all money and paid ourselves the same “pocket” money per month when all bills and savings had been accounted for.

This was the system at the beginning of our marriage when DH and I earned about the same, carried on when I became a SAHM and again stayed the same when DH became disabled, had to stop work and I became the main breadwinner. We still have this system in retirement and both believe that is a fair way too manage our money.

Why split it? Why not just keep it all in the joint account?

This is good that he's shown his true colours before the inheritance, though the cars should of been a warning sign. Definitely hold off on the inheritance until this is sorted and if this is to do with avoiding tax your dad needs to either give to your kids now or put it in a trust.
Anyway obviously this situation is not fair. You have sacrificed your career progression to raise DC whilst he has gone on unhindered. As a result he should be checking in that you are doing okay financially. Ridiculous how many men think it's okay to be swanning around in designer clothes etc whilst their wife can't even afford mascara. They also seem to think the fairies dress and feed their kids too.
Fwiw I'm a SAHM and DH pays all bills from mortgage down to internet. Money in a joint account for me to use and then he transfers money into my personal account too so we each have some privacy. I have made huge sacrifices which have enabled him to have a very successful career and this arrangement reflects that.