To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

So when you both retire and he's on a much bigger pension than you, does he still think he'd keep his share? Is that what he intends for the rest of your life?

I'd be interested to know where the savings are deposited. Are they in an account in his or joint names? Do you know how much has been saved?

I would have him nail down his own position on why he doesn't have to share his money with his wife who took a huge hit for the family so he could have children with her. And have him confirm that he does indeed seriously begrudge ensuring his life partner, the mother of his children, live a lesser lifestyle and have less security than he does because she's sacrificed some financial aspects to look after his child(ren).

Once it's nailed down, and only then, remind him that your inheritance is and will be yours alone. You'll want that in writing from him, or you'll be filing for a legal separation/divorce and not accepting the money from your father until that is complete.

Because if that's his position, honestly, he doesn't have your back or your best interests equal to his in his heart. And he would happily take your money AND still ensure you go without while you're sacrificing for him and your DCs. I wouldn't stay married to someone like that.

I would be very concerned if my husband behaved as you did and would think seriously about going back to work as this man is not prepared to support you financially as a SAHM. My husband and I have always had joint finances. All income into one account, all expenses out of the same account, joint savings (including my inheritances) and we each get the same amount of personal money each month. For many years I worked part time when our children were young and consequently his income increased and mine stayed static. He understood that as he was not able to do a 9-5 job I was the one who had to sort out child care and keep the house running.

Your husband seems to not want to support you financially but he does want to benefit from the inheritance. That is not on and no way would I share it with him. If he does not want to split finances then do a budget showing him where the £600 goes and ask him where his spare £800 goes. If he will not reveal then say you will be returning to work asap. All child care costs will be split and there will be no sharing of inheritances.

I think you should drop into conversation that you're buying yourself an Evoque (50k) with some of your dads inheritance for you to run the kids around

I'm guessing that will show his true colours

Why are you driving an old banger?

I do think you may prefer being without him

And yes, the gift from your dad (it's not inheritance, he's not dead) is a gift to YOU unless you decide to share it - why would you share it with someone you have to justify a take away coffee to ?

maternity Leave is not the same as you were working, in the end you stay at home because of his kid. Not only you have all the chores at home but also lost most of your income. Is like a second job. I believe that the best way to split the bills is to take the all the income in consideration. He earns 60% and you 40%, so the bills should be splited also in this way.
Regarding the heritage I would not split it. If he’s not flexible about supporting the family with more money now That is needed why you should make the effort with a money that you still don’t have? Also think about your future, in case one day you separate with which money you’ll live? Have always a back up, your baby will always be your family, your husband one day maybe will not.

What a cheeky bastard thinking he's entitled to half your inheritance but being a greedy, selfish twat about his own income. You're sacrificing a lot so he can progress his career and he doesn't seem to want to support you at all. I'd tell him to piss right off.

Ok so everyone that is saying he should share his money equally- would they say the same if it was the other way round??

Yes, I would say that.

Over 99% of my career, I have outearned my husband, by a significant amount. He was home with our children, working part time after their school day. We have always pooled all our money. Everything was deposited into a joint account. Now, our kids are grown, and he is outearning me. We still pool all our money.

I'm linking an article that cites studies on family finances.

phys.org/news/2019-02-joint-bank-accounts-happier-couples.html

He sounds a bit like my ex husband. Except my ex was after my mother's inheritance from her mother (my granny). He even wrote a 10 page letter to my mother about it and sent it to her by registered post. I mean whatever about him and me but dragging my elderly mother into it! He had also sent a letter to my dad by registered post about a year before this and my solicitor had to write to his solicitor asking for his client to stop contacting my family. The Family Law Courts in Ireland are 'in camera'. I still don't know what my ex was earning and for about 3 years I didn't even know where he was working!

Windyatthebeach

What she said.

By your calculations OP he’s got around £10K a year unaccounted for, that he’s trying to tell you is nothing. How long has this been going on?

@MissMarks when your husband worked the extra hours which contributed to his bonus did it negatively impact you at all in terms of responsibility within the home/with DC or did he use just his 'free' time (presuming you both have the same access to free time) to work those extra hours? If he has genuinely sacrificed his own spare time without you having to do more then whilst it's not how our family operates I can see your point about the bonus being his. However, if what happened is you ended up doing more so he could work more or he spent less time with the DC then as a family you have earned the bonus because he couldn't do the extra hours without you or the DC cutting him some slack.

The fact that he spent the money on an item which 'benefits' the family (depending on your view of the need for a top end lawnmower) does to a degree change things but if he had used the money to buy himself a new watch for example would you have viewed things differently?

I don't say this often @Wibu123 but I would be looking into divorcing the selfish entitled prick!

Tell your dad your plans to leave, and ask can he give it to you once the divorce is over and done with.

It's not fair that's hes not willing to share his wage BUT is expecting half of your family hard earned money. He sounds financially abusive and a nightmare having to go out for a walk to calm down because he isnt getting his own way.

Try and get a free 30 minutes consultation with a lawyer and then take your knob of a husband for half his worth and child maintenance.

Why don't you offer to go back to work full time and he can work part time and raise the children. You can then keep your salary for you as those are the rules.

And he taking the piss with inheritance. What's his is his and what's yours is his! I don't bloody think so.

@Wibu123 please please please take heed of what PP have written.

Do not get your inheritance while your marriage is not stable. My understanding is that inheritance is not classed as marital money but it would just be less complicated to put a holt on receiving it currently.

Do speak with him about the situation and depending on how that chat goes will decide the next path.

If he does agree to change the financial arrangements, then set a deadline to yourself as l suspect he will delay changing things. If that's the case, then you know he isn't serious about things changing and basically doesn't respect you or your opinion

Inheritances are seen a little differently in law if they are held separately. But I don’t think this would be because it’s not technically an inheritance, it’s a gift. If it’s a significant amount of money it’s probably worth having a word with a qualified lawyer or accountant about the implications.

So here's my two pennies worth.

I thought we had a good arrangement. I was p/t after having our second DC and took home about £1600 + £243 childcare vouchers.
DH took home about £5k + quarterly commission of £2-3k

I put £800 into the joint account and he put £1650 in and paid Virgin (half from work). He paid for all our meals out, and when we went on holiday he paid for 3/4 for him and the kids and I paid for me.
The rest of his money went into savings which he used to pay the mortgage pretty much off when the penalty period ended, circa £100k.

My DF did a similar thing to yours and, six years ago, gifted me £100k that we used to renovate the house. On this note, for a PP, I believe that the time period for IHT is actually 7 years.

However, we have now just moved to NZ where DH is from, and things have got sticky. I cannot work (complicated) and have no money as we used every penny to buy a house here. DH is on the same salary as he was in the UK, and puts his money into a joint account that I don't have access to - he siphons grocery money onto a card for me.
Now our relationship is breaking down, that £100k gift is an issue.

When we first met he moved into my flat, and when we moved to a bigger property I had £130k of equity, a distant cousin left me £44k which also went into the move/extension, and DH put about £25k in. We've both put a few thousand in here and there, new windows, floor sanding etc. But I think that, my dad's gift aside, we are quite equal.

Legally in NZ, the gift has to be shared, but morally I think he should let me have it. He is claiming that he shouldn't because of the extra he has put into the joint account over the years.

You can probably argue it from both sides, but I think our contributions were more than fair.

Assuming you plan to be in the relationship for the rest of your life

Of course you do, but life has a funny way of working out, as you can see from all the threads in Relationships.....

I'm glad my mum was one of the original feminists (born 1921) and stressed the point to me and my sisters to become financially independent in life. We all are.

I don't understand couples doing it the way you and your husband do op.
With me and my husband everything we earn goes into one account all Bill's rent etc go out and what's left is there for us both we try and safe a bit each month and thi is like lunch out son's clothes etc get brought and only we discuss something to be got is when it's a big ticket item new tv or mobile phone for our son. We are married and we wouldn't want it any other way.
I do agree with what others are saying if you can't live jointly with your incomes as I do he has zero claim to your inheritance he can't have it both ways. If YOU don't have plans for Your inheritance right away open a good high interest account in YOUR name ONLY.
Or get him to show you his savings that he's put away when you have zero to fall back on. As I said tell him he can't have it both ways.
You need to protect yourself as well you never know what's down the road.

I can't understand how finances work when totally separate. We have a joint account (have from day 1)!and both our salaries are paid in to it and everything is paid out of it.

It's classed as our money and just because one puts in more than the other makes no difference. Both salaries are just as important.

Has worked fine for over 20 years.

Make sure you prioritise paying into your own pension. Whatever pension pot the had, yours should be matched with the inheritance before anything else happens.

Wow OP!

The cars showed you what he was like.
No good man puts his wife and children in a banger, for safety reasons besides everything else.

You're married to a financially abusive Prick.

His fury is telling.

Tell your father hang onto that money.

Your marriage is neither good, healthy nor stable.

He's a right prick.

He has taken advantage of you for two years.

I wouldn't mention the inheritance.

Speak to him about sharing the finances ye have and discuss it frankly.

But to my mind I wouldn't trust him at all.

Good men do not keep their wives on a tight financial leash whilst they are SAHM, only pricks do it.

Get your ducks in a row and tell your father the truth.

That money will be invaluable to you later.

Don't be naive OP and regretful.

Protect yourself from this mean twat you married.

Whatever you do do not share your inheritance with him under these circumstances.
I got made redundant when I was married and that money went (in good faith on my part at the time ) into a joint pot. As such jt wasn't taken into account when we got divorced and it really annoys me that I essentially just gave up half of my redundancy money like that.
Your marriage doesn't sound too good just now and his reaction here is troubling, so I would say you have every right to proceed with caution re the inheritance.

You are a married couple with a family. Why is there still an attitude of mine and hers ?

I don't think you need joint bank accounts to have fair financial arrangements in a marriage but I do think expenses need to be split based on the same proportion income. I think that both people should have the same amount left to spend on fun luxury or personal treats.

My worry for you here is retirement. He will be cash rich. You will be expected to live off your smaller pension and ask for bus money.