To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Live out nanny in London average cost £34k plus paying for housekeeper role too... suddenly his wife's share of the workload is far more than half his salary...

You have sacrificed your career and your future earning potential by having children. He needs to be reminded that as a result of this, he has been able to further his career. On top of which, you have looked after the children at weekends while he studies. He made these choices that were not available to you while you were responsible for the children. Good luck getting back from this.. it's a tough starting point.

He can't have his cake and eat it.

Either its all family money your inheritance included or it's not. You have full access to it if this is the case.

How you choose to set up your family and finances is your business but it should be fair and equitable.

Lord @Bluntness100 I think you're really losing it under lockdown. That was ridiculous even for you.

Obviously he should contribute more- not because you're female but because you have sacrificed your career, time and earnings to raise his bloody children. He's a twat.

In my house we earn different amounts. We each pay a sum into the joint account which covers all outgoings, leaving us with exactly the same 'spending money' each month. I pay more into the joint account because I earn more, we think that's fair.

With inheritance type sums, we usually split those as follows: half in savings, a quarter each to spend as we like.

ETA: we don't have kids so that makes it much less complicated!

OP, are you happy with him generally?

Because, I have to say, he sounds like quite the arsehole from what you've written here.

I commented on another thread yesterday I think about money, and in that case the woman was earning more. I said on that one, and I'll say it here, I think it's fairer to make sure that both parties have reasonable similar amounts of disposable income after bills are paid. You're supposed to be working together to have a home, and a family. His attitude stinks and I hope you don't roll over and just accept it, because you deserve better than this.

Either he shares his wage and you share or your inheritance or you keep your money separate. We have a joint account for bills and manage it so we have equal spenders.

We did what someone suggested up thread: worked out how much we needed to run household, then contributed to a joint account in proportion to our salaries - so that each might have 10% of our salary as individual money, but one person's 10% might be larger than the other's in actual money.

Then when I retired, it seemed unfair that I should always have more spending money than DH, so now we contribute into joint account in such a way that each of us has equal individual spending money - that's the model you're suggesting, and I think it's deeply worrying that he has reacted in the way he has.

My sister had similar, all the time she was the lower earner he kept all his money and expected her to pay half of everything. Then he was made redundant. Funny how quickly he expected her money to become family money.

If he's not willing to split everything in half, them he doesn't get half of your inheritance. He's realised that tonight which is why he's gone off in a childish tantrum.

Thanks for all your replies. Helpful to check in with this stuff as his reaction made me think I'd got it totally wrong. He's just got back home. I asked to talk (because I want to hear what he says about the inheritance) and said we should talk in the morning, ie he's too cross now and gone straight up to bed.

He'll squirm when I remind him about the inheritance.

Things are patchy at the moment. We have moments of normal, happy, rubbing along well and moments when I'm just floored by how controlling/grumpy/stressed/short tempered he can be. We were having a really nice evening, chatting. He brought up money, to show me how much he's paid off loans and I said while we're on the topic...

I just can't imagine being in a relationship (unless someone had serious spending issues) where money wasn't shared so each partner had the same personal spending money and that all housing/food/holidays/DC costs weren't family expenditure.

Whether you have very little or an awful lots isn't that partnership?

I’d tell your dad to hold off giving you an early inheritance until you are happy you definitely want to be with this guy: he’s not coming across well; either infantilism by your spending, not sharing whilst your salary drops, and not willing to share his money now.

He doesn't see you as a partner. It's unequal for him to police your spends but he gets privacy over his. The fact that you don't even know how much he has in his account each month is a giant red flag. If he can't agree to clarity and equality, then you have some serious thinking to do.

I, as ever, am shocked.

What the hell has happened?

Why is not all money pooled once you have both decided to enter into marriage?

Presumably, unless you belong to some third world religions cult (of which, I know many exist) - why enter into any arrangement other than one where the gold standard is that you are both giving of yourself for the family unit? He works/he earns/ he gets tea and lunch breaks, professional respect, career advancement, no nappies, no 4am wake ups...

You deal with The Home, with the shit nappies, the 4ams, the still-in-PJs at 4pm stuff that enables him. And, when he's home, he supports you.

You're all pulling on the same rope.

Or are you?

We, DH and I (around 60, now) in MN terms, are weird. Every brass razoo we own is pooled. And always has been. There is no 'his cash/my cash'. It's all 'our cash'. Maybe a huge factor is that we have a similar approach to spending, as we're both careful.

We knew that before marriage; a (compulsory 😂) 'Preparation for married life' course we went on reinforced that; but one thing our PFML counsellor emphasised was that one of the greatest threats to any marriage was financial incompatibility.

I see this over and over again on MN, and it angers me. Marriage is the union of two people and those two peoples' circumstance.

If you're marrying someone who wants the trappings of marriage but without the trust of financial continence, implicit in 'what is yours is mine'; you're in trouble.

Cross posted. Ask your Dad to hold off/put it in trust.

It sounds like your marriage isn't "good".

If things are patchy, get your dad to keep hold of inheritance for now. You don't want to lose half of it if things aren't going to work out.

he is angry and has gone up to bed

massive overreaction which sounds like he has some debt to hide

Ask dad to keep the money for a minute. Get legal advice.

Your DH has just shown you exactly how he views this marriage and your worth.

Do not lose half of this life changing amount of money to this man.

Leave.

These posts baffle me.
DH was always the biggest earner but it’s all “our money” end of. Even when I was on maternity leave.

It’s bizarre that women are posting saying after they have bought food, nappies etc they have nothing left yet their DH has £500/£800/£1200 for himself each month. Why did you even have children with these men?

He can’t have it both ways. If he wants to keep his wages separate, then you keep your inheritance separate. It doesn’t sound like he sees you as a family unit tbh, he’s more interested in what’s his.

Checking your spending?? Patronising git! What you’re suggesting is perfectly reasonable. When I was married and a SAHM, all money went into our joint account and all bills were paid from that.

We also had a sole account each into which we put Birthday money, etc. etc.

Not for one moment did my husband think his wage was all his! If your DH wants to live like that he should have remained single. He sounds quite domineering. I’d be very careful of your inheritance too. He might already have decided what you’re allowed to do with that.

You're sorting this out several years too late, but at least you are sorting it.

Good point Quartz. Maybe he was planning on using some of the inheritance to pay debt off. Op, you mentioned debt in the last update. Is there any left that you are aware of?