To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Thing is you don't have to become a sahp when you have children , unless they have significant disabilities, even if it means your wage essentially goes on childcare you retain your earning potential and career progression. I love my son but would not give up my financial independence, that is for his benefit too as you see all to often on here from women who have no caster or are looking for NMW jobs to fit around evil hours and are trapped in unhealthy and unhappy relationships. When I went back after Mat leave DH and I both consolidated our hours over 4 days so we each have a day off in the week to look after DS , he is at nursery or with Grandma the other 3 days. We could afford all three days at nursery if necessary but she wants to spend the time with him.
I earn more than DH and historically he has spent money on crap and not saved well, so no I'm not giving him half my excess wage to fritter. It goes into joint savings and means we can afford renovations, cars, holidays etc things we decide on together and benefit us all.

Fwiw when we first lived together we earned almost exactly the same, I now outearn DH by 20k, we are in similar fields, my employer doesn't see me as a 'baby making machine' .....

There is no way I would want us to ‘pool’ our money. He buys crap all the time I would go ballistic about

We don't pool our money for similar reasons. I don't want to ever feel guilty or uncomfrotable because I've blown £100 on a pair of shoes and another £100 on books, or angry because he smokes 20 cigarettes a day, which costs nearly £300 a month. It's his money and his health!

We have a joint account that we both put the same amount in, which covers all the household bills, shopping, car costs etc and leaves a surplus that covers our holiday spending and leaves a surplus each month, which builds up until we spend it on something big for the house.

OP hope you're OK. Def ask father to hold onto the inheritance. I'd struggle staying with someone who behaved the way your H is behaving - the storming off, the raging, the selfishness and the interrogating of what you've spent. I imagine he's got savings accounts otherwise where has all that money gone?

We've talked this morning and went through finances with a fine tooth comb. I thought we'd have a lot less money left at the end of the month, something like £400 to share. He thought we'd have more like £1000 and thought I was saying I should get £500 each month to do as I please with. We've cleared that up, we've got a spreadsheet and got an agreement we're both very happy with. Thanks for helping me be sure that I wasn't BU and insisting we sort our finances out. There's been loads more replies since I last looked so I'll have a read through once the kids are in bed.

He's being really unfair and it's ridiculous that you're paying for shopping out of your £600pcm when he's left with £800 to fritter away on whatever he fancies. And that's without his ridiculous position that a gift from your father is "joint" money.

I bet he's paying a good amount into his pension, as well, while you're not building a pension pot at all.

I'd also check out what the position would be if the gift from your father was put in a joint account in your and your father's name. I thought it automatically went to the other account holder and didn't count as part of the deceased's estate. However, I think that a PP has a different opinion, so maybe check it out.

If I'm right (and I'm far from certain) this would mean that you could draw on it, if you wished, and that it wouldn't be subject to IHT on your father's death.

It may also be a good idea to have a very frank discussion with your father about this. There may be a way of him tying up your eventual inheritance so that it doesn't count as part of any financial settlement if you eventually divorce, like a beneficial trust or something.

Hopefully one of the MN legal eagles will be along in a minute and make some useful suggestions, rather than me taking a stab in the dark!

Op you still need to be careful and make sure that this is for ever / life. I would still tell your dad to hold back on the money he wants to give you. Get him to put it in an account in his name which he can sign over at a later date.

Play the long game with your dp and be careful.

Please sort out your pension, now is the time to pay into it when you are young (Er).

He took his fury time to think things through.....your prospective inheritance calmed his fury...

Be very careful OP.

All anyone needs to know about your husband to ascertain exactly who he is.....is to know that he has his wife and children driving around in a banger.

This is who he is.

Tell your father keep his money or check if you can have a shared account with your father safely.

You are going to need that money some day...

He is NOT to be trusted.

How can neither of you know What your disposable income is? And have such wild ideas.

I’m guessing you came out with a small spend for yourself each month and he’s pleased it’s low and you’re pleased you got something?

She prob saving him a good bit in childcare too if he wants to be picky about money!!

He remembered your inheritance.

His initial reaction was him. It was who he was.

He remembered about the inheritance. And he calmed down.

Every single one of your posts describes a financially selfish and possibly abusive man.

Keep that money beyond the circle of the family finances. Keep it in your parents name, in their control - even if it's effectively invested for you. Make sure he has NO claim on it.

It may also be a good idea to have a very frank discussion with your father about this. There may be a way of him tying up your eventual inheritance so that it doesn't count as part of any financial settlement if you eventually divorce, like a beneficial trust or something.

I would also do this. Don't tell your husband, but get your dad to get expert advice on whether he can make sure that inheritance money is protected.

When I said about pension I am some of the spare joint income should be paid into one so you have the same!

DH earns about 4X my wage. All out money goes into one account that the bills go out of. Equal amounts go into our individual ISA every month and we have equal access to the money in the joint account.

It was DH who set this up before we had our first child as I was going to be a SAHM for a few years. The only real discrepancy was he has an excellent pension whereas mine is rubbish. When we decided to buy a rental flat he put it in my sole name as he said it would help equal out the pension.

No matter what complaints I ever have about him, he has always made sure I have financial equality with him. I can't believe there is so much financial abuse going on in people's relationships.

I would read all your earlier posts again very carefully OP. And ask yourself honestly if you think he would have had a change of heart had you not had a 'life changing' amount of money heading your way?

I would ask your father to defer it for a year. Until you're back earning and you see how things pan out. He bought you and his children a shitty cheap car while he drives a luxury one. Remember that.

Ok just caught up on all the posts. I'm going to sign off as, for me, it's sorted and I'm happy with what he and I have talked about and agreed to do. I will talk to my DF about the inheritance and speak to a solicitor to ask how it is viewed in the eyes of the law. I've known him a very long time. He is not abusive, please be assured of that. Thanks again for everyone's concern and advice.

Good luck with it OP. Bare in mind he knew he had £1000 a month and has done for awhile and got angry because you wanted £500 for yourself. Your update to a neutral observer doesnt make him come across better, indeed it makes him come across worse.

And the way you hve portrayed him he does come across as a selfish man who doesnt what to share with you

He is not abusive, please be assured of that.

Not according to the facts as you stated them.

Just make damn sure that money is where he cannot touch it if you split. Good luck x

He'll probably treat you a bit better OP than he normal does, until your inheritance is in the bag.

At least you know you have been well warned that he's really no prize.

It takes some horror of a man to buy a shit car for his wife and children and roll the dice with their safety.

It's a first on here to read that.

You sound OP as if you are just used to a very very low bar in a relationship.

If your father would help you buy a safe car for your children, it would be something at least.

Bear in mind that once basic housing needs have been met, If you keep your inheritance separate from family money it can be excluded from any divorce settlement. Once you intermingle inheritance it's is included in the pot. Be very careful with your inheritance.

Sounds absolutely shit to me and I wouldn't be happy at all. He's only happy because you're not getting £500 a month. Tight arse.

In other words he's been keeping even MORE money to himself each month than you thought until now.

Good luck.

Good luck OP. Hope he doesn't get your inheritance!

Great news OP.
FWIW my dh shared his mums inheritance 50/50 with me. I intend to do the same if I get an inheritance off my mum.