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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how couples can never argue?

215 replies

Pikachupoops · 09/05/2020 20:43

I have seen a few times on mumsnet, people saying that they have never argued with their other half. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but how is that even possible? How is that neither party gets upset about anything, etc? I have never know anyone that doesn't have a disagreement every now and then Hmm

OP posts:
MitziK · 10/05/2020 12:04

Oh, passion. That.

Mistaking the rush of adrenaline that you get when your primitive brain thinks you are in danger and the soporific effect of dopamine and oxytocin from sex for evidence of love.

Exercising gives you the same emotional arousal/stimulation without having to engage in harmful behaviour towards somebody else.

Performing on stage gives you the same buzz without having to put somebody else in the position of their brain thinking they're under attack.

Riding a bike increases it. Rock climbing increases it. Doing a fitness class increases it.

Anything that gets your heart rate up/requires physical activity will get the same increases in desire without causing harm.

PoppyFleur · 10/05/2020 12:05

We don't have shouting arguments. But neither of us have shouting arguments with anyone. It's a line in the sand and I'm not willing to cross it; shouting signifies a lack of respect for the other person and a loss of control in oneself.

It really is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. After all this is the person I have chosen to make a life with and raise a family. We have differences of opinion, we are from different cultures and this gives us different perspectives. But fundamentally I love my DH and respect his viewpoint, if we disagree then I want to hear what he has to say and vice versa.

Judging by some of the threads I have seen on MN, too many people mistake drama for passion which is a huge shame.

Thornhill58 · 10/05/2020 12:25

We've been together 31 years. We get on really well and we both try our best not to fight. We do argue sometimes but we have some rules too.
We stop before it gets ugly.

LockedInMadness · 10/05/2020 12:31

Well I've been shocked at the nastiness and bitchiness on MN lately. Obviously there's a lot of pent up anger from some posters.
Now it all makes sense - they are living some Stepford Wives lives at home with no raised voices or arguing just simmering resentment and contempt.
But they come on here and let rip Grin

scampichips · 10/05/2020 12:35

I realised ‘never argued’ also included never really talked about anything difficult or hard and that basically the relationship had been surface level for a long time.

This sums up non arguing couples perfectly. You can happily live your life argument free and have a nice and easy shallow relationship. Or you can both openly share your passions with each other, good and bad and have the occasional argument.

A lot of people on here seem to think that arguing is bad. The right type of argument in a relationship is healthy, it's not normal to agree with everything someone else thinks all the time, I'm sure even identical twins argue sometimes.

Arguing doesn't have to be name calling or shouting, it just shows you have your own opinions, thoughts and feelings, and you aren't afraid to share them.

My DH said his ex just agreed with everything he said and never showed any passion or raised her voice, he said it was the biggest turn off and that is ultimately why he left her.

lazylinguist · 10/05/2020 12:40

This sums up non arguing couples perfectly. You can happily live your life argument free and have a nice and easy shallow relationship. Or you can both openly share your passions with each other, good and bad and have the occasional argument.

What a load of codswallop. What does 'share your passions with each other' even mean in this context? Not having rows does not necessarily mean you have a shallow relationship.

scampichips · 10/05/2020 12:48

I'd be very interested to see how many of the placid 'never had an argument in my life' posters and their partners have successful careers. In my most high paying industries, to be successful in your career you definitely need to be able to have difficult conversations and heated words sometimes, otherwise you would get completely walked all over. This is why there has been such a gender divide in certain industries in the past, however thankfully more women now have a lot more confidence to stick up for themselves and speak out when necessary, which has been great for gender equality in the workplace.

MitziK · 10/05/2020 12:48

My DH said his ex just agreed with everything he said and never showed any passion or raised her voice, he said it was the biggest turn off and that is ultimately why he left her

And mine said that his ex complained he didn't hit her back after she upped the ante as he wouldn't scream and shout, especially not around their baby, which was why she left him for somebody who punched her back.

Fucking demented.

ChristmasCarcass · 10/05/2020 12:48

LockedInMadness I assumed the horrible people on here were horrible people in real life too, and were likely also starting bitchy unpleasant arguments with their nearest and dearest (and probably also in empty rooms, judging by some of them).

How weird that you think they are cheerful placid people IRL!

lazylinguist · 10/05/2020 12:51

THIS!! I bet all the people claiming to never had an argument throughout their whole marriage actually have a very subservient spouse who leads an incredibly unsatisfying life and just does what they are told all the time.

I'm the more laid back, non-confrontational one in my marriage, but I'm absolutely not subservient and don't 'do what I'm told'. Dh speaks his mind more than me and is by nature more confrontational. We never row, but if anything, I'd say I get my way more than he does. Mostly though, we just don't disagree over many things, and when we do it's usually something very minor which is easily and calmly resolved.

To me, showing passion about things means being enthusiastic. In that sense, I have plenty of things I'm passionate about. Raising your voice and losing your temper about things isn't passion, it's just boorish and a lack of self-control.

Thehop · 10/05/2020 12:53

Me and dh disagree but we’ve never shouted at each other, or argued in that sense. Very very different to my previous relationships!

Kit19 · 10/05/2020 12:59

Still no definition of argue from the OP unless I missed it....

Both DH & I have successful & stressful careers which involve confronting ppl with things they don’t want to hear on a regular basis

Possibly that’s why we discuss & air problems in a reasonable way rather than yelling & insulting each other

ChristmasCarcass · 10/05/2020 13:00

scampichips I’m a hospital consultant, DH is an IT consultant. Both well-paid. It is perfectly possible to put your point across and hold your own in a discussion without shouting or calling names. You establish yourself as an authority by producing good work and demonstrating expertise, and then you are listened to.

I seriously cannot imagine any professional yelling at a patient, or at one of their colleagues or the managers in a care group meeting. People would assume you were cracking up, and unless there were significant mitigating circumstances you’d be disciplined.

DH’s industry has zero tolerance for this sort of bad behaviour too - in his last company, the CTO threw a laptop at a wall in a fit of temper, and was escorted off the premises.

If you seriously need to yell and scream to be taken seriously, you work somewhere completely toxic.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 10/05/2020 13:03

When we first moved in together we seemed to argue at the drop of a hat, every little niggle we ended up screaming at each other. with me thinking ”what the fuck just happened ?”

I had never argued so much in my life before then. One day I asked DH why he seemed to love living in a warzone and he suddenly admitted that was what his first wife thrived on, constant drama, screeching rows and days of sulks and he thought that's what you do. Confused

I told him that if he wanted a constant battlefield then to leave as I don't like incessant fighting over slight niggles.
It's taken time but if there's a disagreement he has learned to discuss it and not start WW3 and my stress levels have plummeted.

scampichips · 10/05/2020 13:09

ChristmasCarcass
I think people are maybe defining the word argument differently.
Me and DH regularly argue, but we don't yell at each other, I would describe it as a heated debate.
I don't think anyone yells at anyone in their careers, if they did I would hope they were fired, but I do think it's necessary sometimes to have a 'heated debate/argument'. My friend is incredibly placid and hasn't had a pay rise in 7 years, I have tried to coach her to have a healthy debate with her boss to put some pressure on him and show him that she deserves it, but she doesn't have it in her to do it. I love her to bits, but she is walked all over professionally and personally because she hates confrontation.

OneandTwenty · 10/05/2020 13:16

LockedInMadness

you, and others, still haven't managed to formulate an answer: what exactly do you need to argue about?

Are you sure you are with the right person if you get on each other's nerves that much?

Graphista · 10/05/2020 13:17

@loubieloo4 so sorry about your husband 

Oh interesting idea for a thread.

My ex and I would argue on occasion and we're both just loud people generally (both from big families) and also we both tend to want to be "mobile" when agitated. A lot of the time not even serious arguments but more on the lines of "banter" or teasing each other. Marriage was actually pretty good at this point.

This led to a neighbour of ours at one place we lived (he was army) overhearing us on occasion (mainly in summer when windows and balcony doors were open)

She very smugly said to me once (I barely knew the woman!) that it was a shame and we shouldn't raise our voices to each other but do as she and her husband did and calmly and quietly sit and discuss any disagreements taking turns to speak, and her friend (the 2 couples had been friendly since the lads did basic training together) was the same with her husband "on the rare occasions we disagree"

Well, about maybe 6 months after she imparted this sage and unsolicited advice we heard an almighty racket! Doors slamming, plates getting thrown the whole works! Then the screaming started...

Turned out the husband of mrs smug had been having an affair with this close friend and she'd fallen pregnant!

She couldn't have passed the baby off as her husbands as he'd been on deployment for months! She'd issued the husband with an ultimatum "you tell her or I will" and it all kicked off!

I've met other couples that claim to "never argue" (meaning they barely even disagree) too and ime there are several usual explanations for their claim:

They haven't actually been together that long so still in a rose tinted bubble

They argue - but quietly so they don't "count" it as arguing - splitting hairs in my opinion

Ones a sulker so they are falling out they just react differently

One of the parties is overly submissive and always gives in as soon as it's getting to that point, usually as they're scared of arguments sadly most commonly because they were exposed to a lot of arguing/fighting In childhood home or they're currently being emotionally abused and it's safer/easier to submit.

They're lying!

I'm from an abusive childhood myself so actually when I was first with ex I was afraid to argue back, my ex was actually really good with me and encouraged me to say if I disagreed with him reassured me that it wouldn't be disastrous.

His parents have a strong non abusive marriage they've been married over 50 years by now, but they argue sometimes too, I think worst point for them was when his dad retired (he didn't really want to retire circumstances forced) and he was bored and frustrated and drove his mum mad! She eventually made him set up a "man cave" in the shed where he could potter, watch sport etc and he was out from under her feet!

When we did split, I suspected the affair but didn't have proof initially and didn't say to anyone, but my mum noticed that we weren't arguing as often as usual and sensed something was up and later said something to me along the lines of "I knew you were done when you stopped bothering to argue with him. You'd had enough"

One of the strongest couples I know (they've been through a LOT in over 30 years of marriage, family opposition, infertility and pregnancy loss, poorly babies, illness and disability, burglary, shock bereavements...) and they bicker constantly but at heart they're absolutely solid, it's just how they communicate

we always make sure we clear the air before bedtime ugh, this is my fathers favourite claim about his mum and him. What he really means is he won't let my mum sleep until she gives in! He'll literally wake her up if he's unsatisfied how an argument ended! If she's dozed off.

@MitziK sorry you went through that I hope you're safe and happy now?

ChristmasCarcass · 10/05/2020 13:21

to be successful in your career you definitely need to be able to have difficult conversations and heated words sometimes

I really don’t think it is normal to have “heated words” at work. If anything it’s studied politeness and passive aggressive emails when people are internally seething! All of those “what English people say and what they really mean” articles are about workspeak (“that’s a very brave suggestion” = “you are fucking mental” etc).

OneandTwenty · 10/05/2020 13:23

to be successful in your career you definitely need to be able to have difficult conversations and heated words sometimes

difficult conversation, yes, heated words only when you want to lose the argument. Sarcasm works a lot better, and staying calm and pleasant gurantees you win as it tends to put weaker people in a rage.

I don't look down at my husband, so I don't need to go into a smug conversation with him

ChristmasCarcass · 10/05/2020 13:24

And your friend should find a new job if she hasn’t had a pay rise in 7 years! You can always negotiate more by switching jobs anyway IME, you are in a much weaker negotiating position once you are in post, because they know the bar to resigning is much higher.

NotaFreeloader · 10/05/2020 13:27

We don’t really argue here I did think it was due to dh working such long hours but he’s been off now due to coronavirus for weeks and we still haven’t argued but we are busy as have a big family so that means we are constantly on the go and for things to run smoothly we have to both be working as a team.
Plus we’ve been doing a lot more activities with the children so we’ve been too occupied to even have a conversation other than about Mel planning or something similar 🤣

NotaFreeloader · 10/05/2020 13:27

*meal

Pukkatea · 10/05/2020 13:32

I don't argue with anyone, never have. I'm also very successful in my career (one level below CEO) if that is even relevant.

I'm just not an argumentative person and neither is my other half. I don't judge people who argue or think it's unhealthy and don't appreciate being judged in return.

2007Millie · 10/05/2020 13:34

We don't sweat the small stuff and have astonishingly good communication

ChristmasCarcass · 10/05/2020 13:35

What does 'share your passions with each other' even mean in this context?

I think it is just a very pretentious way of describing “fighting over the remote control” Grin

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