To wonder how couples can never argue?

[Pikachupoops]

I have seen a few times on mumsnet, people saying that they have never argued with their other half. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but how is that even possible? How is that neither party gets upset about anything, etc? I have never know anyone that doesn't have a disagreement every now and then

The couple who used to live next to us argued regularly, but it was usually on an evening and alcohol fuelled. We'd see them cheerfully getting drunk over their barbecue in the early evening and knew they'd be screaming at each other a few hours later. Not nice.

Because one just backs down and agrees With whatever for a quiet life.

Because one just backs down and agrees With whatever for a quiet life.

that's not a relationship.

Some people have a very weird views of what being (happily) in a couple means.

@Oneandtwenty I didn’t say it was happy or normal.

but that's not the reason why many couples do not argue. Some people actually get on well and are happy with each other.

Because one just backs down and agrees With whatever for a quiet life.

I worked with a woman who smugly went on and on about how her and her DH never argued. Ever. Basically she got her own way with everything and he put up with it for as long as he could. Until one day he fucked off with someone else. She wasn't so smug then

I am quite suspicious of couples who claim they never ever argue, how have you debated and disagreed and never once lost your temper? We don’t argue a lot, but we do argue occasionally, maybe a few times a year, so I’m not someone trying to justify my own “constant arguing”. I just don’t know how realistic it is to be in a healthy relationship where you can both be honest and to have never lost your cool and shouted at each other.

My mum and dad never argue, and are quite proud of it, but what actually happens is if my mum annoys my dad too much by disagreeing with him he goes into a mood and stone walls her for days. So she knows better than to disagree too much with him. If they disagree and she senses he’s getting angry she will panic and say “let’s not talk about it any more”, and hopefully he won’t stonewall her for too long, and that’s how they’ve never shouted at each other. Also, my dad is very adverse to confrontation and literally just stops talking when things start to get heated (aka silent treatment and sulking). I don’t think it’s healthy, but they probably would say they have a wonderful happy relationship which is why they don’t argue (they do have a good relationship overall, but that’s not why they don’t argue). I don’t think the recognise this dynamic is not healthy and it probably would be better to just argue and say what’s on their minds and move on.

DH and I have been together 8 years and rarely argue. I'd say we've had 3 proper rows (not raised voices but genuinely upset). Sometimes we disagree but usually just talk about it to resolve it. I don't find we disagree about much though. I think it helps we are largely on the same page about most things and are quite similar in many ways. I couldn't deal with constant sniping/arguments/sulking / passive aggressiveness/ winding each other up- I witnessed so much of that in my teens between my mum and step dad and vowed I would never marry someone I couldn't get along with on a daily basis.

Neither of us have a desire to 'win' anything.

We've disagreed, we've misunderstood each other and occasionally, been upset/frustrated/angry about something - but even then, that's not arguing. You are allowed to feel those things without having to have a screaming match and hurling around pillows, slamming doors (not that we've got many, it's open plan) and calling each other every name under the sun.

Reading more of PPs, I think the fact that a 'proper argument' for my bastarding ex generally involved him yelling, smashing things, my trying to defend myself from things being thrown at me, the occasional strangulation or glass panelled door being slammed on me repeatedly and then his favourite 'make up sex' which I had absolutely no choice about having possibly has an influence.

How have you debated and disagreed and never once lost your temper?

I just don’t lose my temper very easily? If I feel myself getting annoyed I take myself out of the situation until I’m calm. And most stuff is minor enough that it doesn’t really warrant losing my temper - everyone has annoying habits, and it is generally irritating stuff (like the washing up being left) rather than serious stuff that I get annoyed about.

How pointless would it be to start an actual fight about the bloody washing up, when the responsibility is 50% mine and DH would probably just do it if I mentioned it. I suppose if I thought DH wouldn’t listen to me, or pay any attention to my feelings, I might feel I needed to shout to be taken seriously. But that would be pretty damning for our relationship.

I have a toddler and have never lost my temper or shouted at him either. I have felt myself getting annoyed plenty of times, and have either handed over to DH or left the room for a moment and counted to ten. Again, a toddler being annoying never genuinely warrants losing my temper, once I have a bit of distance and perspective. Is it annoying when he tips his cereal on the floor, yet again? Yes. Is it serious enough for me to lose my temper about it? Not in retrospect, no. He is 3, I am an adult.

People who do have proper rows with their partners on a regular basis, what exactly are you fighting about? And do you think it actually warranted a shouting match the next morning, or do you feel that one of you over-reacted with hindsight?

If I don't say what I want to say that means we don't argue. But that just leads in my case to simmering resentment.

I never realised how argue can mean totally different things for some people, which I think is why there is such a difference of opinion in this post. I always took argue to mean a disagreement/difference of opinion or bickering - which I think is what OP meant too which is why it seems impossible for couples never to have ‘argued’ it would mean you agree on literally EVERYTHING which sounds unlikely to say the least. You can still love, respect and be happy with your partner but have your own opinion and views on subjects. It also doesn’t mean these conversations are a battle where someone has to ‘win’, you might just need to get something off your chest or have a rant then move on.
I would’t have thought argument meant shouting, getting angry or name calling etc.

I should add though that I have a terrifying temper when I do lose it - I literally shake with rage and feel completely out of control. It also takes hours for me to calm back down. My DM has a similar temper, and I was absolutely terrified of her as a child. So I really don’t want to lose my temper with people who I love, and definitely not sweet innocent little DS. I would feel so awful if I frightened him.

My parents are like this. Ive never seen them argue. But now that im older i realise its because they dont really talk to each other much
DH and i argue all the time, including shouting sometimes. We are just passionate like that

Dh never argued with his ex - but heir relationship was not one of honesty - loads of passive aggression, sulking and manipulation. Took me bloody ages for him to learn he could express negative feelings, we could even have an argument and nothing bad would happen.

I also think the passive-aggressive bickering is just as damaging as a full-on fight - sly little digs just demonstrate contempt and a lack of love to me. I’d feel really hurt if DH kept on making nasty little remarks to me in passing. I watch other couples doing it and it is uncomfortable to witness. There’s a difference between that and goodnatured teasing.

I was with my ex for 13 years and we never really argued, his parents had apparently never had an argument ever and he held this up as a pinnacle of what a relationship should be so I kind of went along with that. Also I grew up with parents where arguments weren’t exactly every week but weren’t uncommon either, were huge, dramatic, scary and actually abusive so I’ve always been terrified of confrontation and thought I just couldn’t cope with anyone being angry or raising their voice - whether it be the other person or me - I just couldn’t bear it.

He got someone else pregnant and left the week before our wedding without really bothering to discuss it with me - looking back I realised ‘never argued’ also included never really talked about anything difficult or hard and that basically the relationship had been surface level for a long time.

DH and I do argue now and then - it’s not often and mostly it’s bickering, very rarely it’s a bit more and involves shouting - it never lasts long, we always apologise and rectify things quickly and generally we are very good at communicating. It’s actually been a revelation to me that we can argue and it doesn’t mean it’s over and one of us is leaving, it doesn’t end in violence and it doesn’t fester and create a toxic atmosphere for days. It’s an occasional blow up that we can even laugh about later. It’s been a learning curve for me that DH can occasionally be a total dick, or I can, that neither of us need to be our best selves all the time but we can still love and forgive each other and work to make things better.

Jeleste genuinely, what exactly are you shouting about? And do you feel that one of you over-reacted the next day, or do you still both think it was something that needed shouting over? The only things I can think that would merit shouting are infidelity, hidden debts/financial mismanagement, or something else potentially relationship-threatening.

Growing up my parents had the most horrendous rows, sulking for weeks afterwards - they struggle to communicate about anything deeper than the weather. I begged them to get a divorce they never did - life with them was consistently terrifying, stressful and embarrassing - I’m sure the whole neighbour heard their viciousness - they were always either arguing or on the edge of it and not something I’d ever want to put my kids through.

Some people argue, some people don't.
Some people think an argument clears the air, some find it escalates a minor disagreement.
Some people enjoy a bit of passion, some people prefer a quiet life.
Some people don't care enough about small things to argue about them, some people find that blowing off steam over smaller issues allows them to discuss bigger ones calmly.
Some people show the depth of their feeling by shouting, some people can remain calm even when discussing really upsetting things.

Every couple is different, every relationship is different and passing judgement on others' relationships based on your perceptions is probably a waste of time.

So people seem to equate shouting and bawling at each other means you are passionate, but being respectful to one another and listening to each other, rather than shouting to get your point across equals dull.

That's quite sad really.

I genuinely can't remember the last time I shouted at my DH or he at me. Disagreements - yes, the latest one regarding homeschooling in lockdown, but we disagreed, discussed and agreed a way to move forward.

It helps that we hold the same views on most things, so not much to shout about really.

I wouldn't shout at my mum, or my daughter, so why would it be acceptable to treat my husband like that?

We dont argue but we "have words" .
Nothing prolonged and we leave it once weve both said our piece.Cannot be doing with ignoring,sulking etc.

What do you actually argue about?

You can have discussion and not agree on absolutely everything, but having rows? About what? Not all couples get on each other nerves, there's no need for everybody to "vent frustration" every few months.

Some people enjoy a bit of passion
not sure what passion has to do with people having a full row?