To wonder how couples can never argue?

[Pikachupoops]

I have seen a few times on mumsnet, people saying that they have never argued with their other half. Maybe I'm being unreasonable but how is that even possible? How is that neither party gets upset about anything, etc? I have never know anyone that doesn't have a disagreement every now and then

And I know how cheesy this sounds, but we always make sure we clear the air before bedtime.

Not cheesy at all. This is so important.

Never let the sun go down on your anger.

We don't bicker or fall out, never had a phase of moodiness or not speaking, and it's very rare we even disagree.

We have had the very occasional row, of the angry shouting and swearing variety. Mainly because we both have tempers, rather than over anything particularly important. It's never been around the dc, never involved saying anything meaningful and certainly doesn't involve fear or threatening behaviour. And usually ends in laughter at a ridiculous and amusing insult. I think a lot of the time it's because we both trust the other enough that we can lose it without worrying about saying or doing anything hurtful because it's not really directed at each other.

DH and I don't really argue but then we don't particularly get on each other's nerves. We both think the same way and enjoy the same things so there isn't much to disagree over.

A question to those who think arguing is normal with your partner. Do you find yourselves falling out with other family and friends?

I find some people appear to never be without a feud or drama and are “swinging punches” every where they tread.

Echoing pp's. What is considered an argument?

Accorfing to my definitions we disagree, debate, snap and bicker but I would say we argue very rarely.

I have a friend who used to talk about how her and her husband got into huge rows and fights. Once I whitnessed one of thier fights and I would consider it just a couple disageeing. So we all have different understanding what it is.

We can disagree about stuff but no raised voices and name calling. If I disagree with someone at work or a female friend I don't start shouting and name calling so dont see why I should shout at my husband. We dont go out of our way to wind up and upset each other

I'm so sorry Lou.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.

We've never argued but not through lack of trying. DH is so laid back he may as well be asleep, if I raise an issue he either silently sulks or agrees with me. I actually find it quite infuriating that he never ever gets cross.

We argued a lot more when we first got together. I think part of it for us was that we’ve had one previous relationship to this and both of them used arguing as tools to extend the good times. So with my ex, we’d argue and then have makeup sex, that was the way we resolved arguments. For him, arguing with his ex was the way she’d declare all her feelings for him.

So we argued a lot more when we first got together because we thought it was normal but somehow just evolved that we didn’t need to argue over stupid shit, which wasn’t a conscious decision on either of our parts. We settled down into a lot less arguments after about a year but there would still be arguments every so often. Usually when we aren’t paying as much attention to our relationship as we should be. We still disagree though. Sometimes one person gives in, sometimes the other person gives in. It depends who wants to die on that hill. More often than not, neither of us so it just peters out. We get on each other nerves. During lockdown we get on each other’s nerves a lot more than usual. We are snapping at each other and if we don’t prioritise our relationship we will probably have an argument soon. I think it’s partly about recognising the signs and stopping it before it gets to that point.

We've been together 5 years. We bicker sometimes but not particularly often.

We were both in relationships previously with uncommunicative people who made life very difficult so we've always been very hot on sitting down and talking about things rather than getting irate about things we disagree on.

We've had about 6 proper shouty arguments in 5 years.

However, right from the beginning we decided to have a 'safe word' for arguments. You know when one of you is annoyed at the way the other has loaded the dishwasher and then half an hour later you find yourselves furious at each other for something totally unrelated and it just gets ridiculous? That's when the safe word comes in. Either of you can use it and the rules are that you both have to completely stop. Stop arguing, stop shouting, stop being hostile. You both have to calm down, do something to reconnect a bit like a hug or something and then calmly reassess what was happening. 99.9% of the time you both realise that arguing and shouting about something isn't going to fix it, but talking will. Or realising it doesn't actually matter anyway.

And never go to sleep on an issue.

I have never had an argument with dp in 10 years.

I'm occasionally ratty with them. Then I apologise. Occasionally they might be a bit moody (their words, not mine) and they apologise. We talk to each other.

The exh was a twat. We were always arguing, or more truthfully he would gaslight and manipulate and I would be upset and angry. Dp is a breath of fresh air.

We argue occasionally. But I'm quite fiery and I really think cause I suffer from depression and potentially thinking now childhood PTSD I think it's cause of my personality. We also apologise and absolutely love each other. When the kids with their Dad we don't argue at all

DH and I have the odd spat but never a full blown row. And they never last long.

There’s nothing we fundamentally disagree on.
We have chosen a lifestyle that has barely any stress (don’t need to work full time, childfree)
I can’t abide tension and bickering/digs/arguments/sulking any of that, I was made to endure growing up in a toxic, abusive house and I now choose to not live like that in any way, I chose to ‘love, honour, cherish and protect’ my husband, and acting like a dick over bins, or whatever non-issue arguers enjoy fighting over doesn’t feature in that. What is it you both disagree about so much that you need to argue about it? Why? (Questions to ask yourself)

And we end up apologising to one another.

Never let the sun go down on your anger.

I personally disagree with this. Well, depends on the topic of course. Sometimes you need time to be upset and process what has been said.

Dh and I have had 3 arguments ever and I’m pretty sure each was linked to tiredness and only after dd2&3 were born. Toddler twins and a pre schooler plus dh working long hours wasn’t a great combo for us. Dh now works closer to home and dc are all at school and be working full time. Works much better now!

'Yes we never argue, we disagree but there are never any raised voices, threats, swearing or name calling etc'

I think what's clear from this thread is people have a different idea of what arguing is. To me, arguing is disagreeing and each discussing your point, hats why its called arguing a point....I argue quite a bit. Using examples, facts, data, my feelings etc. I never shout or swear or belittle or call someone names - to me that's not arguing that's just being mean and nasty

A disagreement doesn’t have to be an argument. On the rare occasions when my husband and I don’t see eye to eye on something we discuss it calmly and rationally, without raising our voicesX trying to hurt each other, or focusing on ‘winning’. We are both naturally cooperative and conciliatory people, and for both of us finding a workable resolution is much more important than winning a dispute. We’re also both prone to trying to put each other’s needs first, rather than acting out of self-interest.

I don’t think we’re unusual. I grew up seeing my parents resolve disputes that way, and my siblings are all the same with their partners. For me, it’s essential to a loving and respectful relationship.

I hate the silent treatment and pass agg manipulation much more than a disagreement.

I have disagreements but never argue. If I do, that relationship is over. It means I don't really care and i have checked out. No reason to care about their feelings or talking through issues like a normal debate or conversation.

We can disagree or have differing views but we don't argue about it. We listen to each other.

As I became an adult I learnt not to argue but to use my inside voice and discuss issues properly. Not just in relationships either, but at work and in general too.
Most of my partners have been adults capable of talking and discussing things properly too.

We have been married for a long time and we didn’t argue at all for many years, in the way that I think you mean.

In the early days I felt this pressure ‘not to argue ever’ being this thing to aspire to, but realistically we couldn’t do that and it wasn’t healthy. No one and no relationship is perfect!

Then we had a sticky point in our marriage because it became apparent over time both of us were constantly sweeping our feelings under the rug rather than voice an opinion which would possibly disagree. That causes its own special kind of passive aggressive fallout over time.

After surviving that, we are determined to air our opinions and not be so very neutral about everything. Turns out, that is a good way for us! We are neither of us particularly argumentative by nature, and we genuinely love each other and get on well, but we can speak our minds and also call each other out respectfully and know it will be received well. We can discuss things, and agree to disagree occasionally. I am grateful for this as my newly married self would have found that to be a failure - thought we would always have to agree totally. Not so.