Sex noises ruining my afternoon tea

[OhMyDarling]

Firstly, I am no prude.
But......

Daughters and I enjoying a homemade cream tea and enjoying the garden I spent yesterday attacking into submission.

Cue next door neighbours sexmarathon.
Oh. My. God.

I am not even joking, she sounds like a horse and the sound is echoing down the street.

Just as we think it’s all over, they start up again.
We are now indoors with music playing to drown out the sound. Other neighbour is also playing music.

So much for enjoying the day, the sunshine and the birdsong.

Can I report them?! (Only half joking)

More cream on your scone vicar?

"The vicar's coming" said Marjorie, pouring tea with her other hand.

Just don’t shout and ask if she wants a cream pie
😅😳

Offer them some of the cream, he's obviously going in dry

Play Ride of the Valkeries very loudly. Puts most people of their stride.

@Mermoose 1812 is a great shout!

I would suggest calling the fire brigade, but considering that might only increase the volume when they arrive with a massive hose and all those shiny helmets.

I'm surprised this thread hasn't attracted more of the "it's impossible for some people to be quiet during sex" brigade. It's possible, be quiet.

Is their window open? Aim your hose, they need a cold shower.

Brightened by day this thread, OP.

I agree, round of applause.

What were you having in your afternoon tea. I love afternoon tea.

Lol I have that aswell the funny thing is they only last a few minutes and you hear them whipping eachother!

Had this at uni, used to mimic/cheer. Makes them very uncomfortable

I once called noise control on my neighbours having extremely loud sex (yet again). The poor bloke that took the call couldn't contain his mirth.

I did say to him, I'm not sure if I should be ringing you guys or the police, it could be a sexual assault.

They did come and have a word, and they did tone it down as a result. And shut the windows.

Play, at top volume, the finale of the 1812 Overture. You absolutely cannot continue having sex during that music. I know this from experience.

@Mermoose - 😂
Brave to attempt this. The tempo is very changeable and it would be difficult to keep a straight face when the church bells join in.

I used to have neighbours like that. I played them Chas and Dave through the wall a few times, that seemed to stop them.

You should knock on her door later saying there's been reports of loud donkey noises and has she seen any loose donkeys running around

Funny story but many years ago I was waiting on a train platform at rush hour. There was a block of flats overlooking the platform. A couple in them were having the loudest sex ever.... everyone waiting for the train heard it...it's was incredibly graphic, the highlight being the woman shouting and I quote "lick it Darren, lick it" . It was hilariously British as everyone pretended they couldn't hear anything but I remember me and another guy caught each others eye and I had to stop myself laughing.

To my immortal shame, the kitchen staff started singing 'Magic Moments' on one particularly loud session of shenanigans in one hotel we stayed in. I learned to put a pillow over my head after that haha.

If I knew which house they lived in, I definitely would start ringing the doorbell every time they decided to inflict their sex life on the neighbourhood.

Playing loud non-sexy music "at them" also a good idea.

(At first I thought you were saying she sounded like a horse having sex not simply a horse neighing and spent far too long trying to imagine what horse sex might sound like. Disturbing. )

I think very vocal sex noises often mean the sex isn't actually very good.

I very very strongly disagree

Put a note through the door asking her to please put a sock in it...literally

Rousing chorus of this with some Old MacDonald mixed in.

“Lick it, Darren, lick it”!!!!!!! Fantastic.

I definitely wouldv'e played Barry White loud

*would've

Is he called Adam?