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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step daughter in almost naked pictures

215 replies

FirstTimeMum54321 · 06/05/2020 12:26

My DSD has just celebrated her 15th birthday. Like a lot of girls her age, she could easily pass for 18. She is very good with makeup and looks beautiful. She has a public instagram account that anyone could see, and poses very 'sexy' pictures which leave very little to the imagination. I know I'll get hammered for this, but she is making herself look really cheap. There are pictures of her breasts with hearts over the nipples. Naked bum shots with just a tiny thong I'm not exaggerating. I would kill to look like her but the pictures make me cringe. I'm not her mum and I've spoken to her dad about it but he's not interested in doing anything about it. I have a terrible relationship with her mum so can't speak to her about it. I don't know if her mum knows about it as I don't think she uses instagram. I've tried reporting this to instagram but they don't give a flying fig.

I'm worried that some old paedo is looking at her pictures or worse still she'll be groomed.
Should I just stay out of it?

OP posts:
Triggahippy · 06/05/2020 16:44

Her mum ‘should be aware’ but clearly isn’t. Yet your husband is fully aware and doesn’t give two fucks. You are blaming the mother for not knowing yet have little to say about your husband not caring?
Teenagers are sneaky. They have main and ‘private’ accounts that they hide- we don’t know that this girls hasn’t concealed this from her Mum. Wait until you have a teenager until you judge- it sounds to me as though you are more interested demonising her Mum than looking at the failures of your husband.

Triggahippy · 06/05/2020 16:46

Also there is something you can do/ contact your local MASH team or NSPCC

Dontcoughnearme · 06/05/2020 16:50

I wouldn't bother responding to this thread, I'd crack on with the email to the school and contact NSPCC

smokescreen · 06/05/2020 17:00

MYOB

Skyla2005 · 06/05/2020 17:02

Ignore the idiots calling you a wierdo I think isolation is making people very unreasonable. Look I’ve got daughter this age and I see pics on social media of their friends like what you’ve described and it’s totally inappropriate. I worry about perverts preying on them and they arnt anything to do with me so I understand your concern. Her settings should at least be private but ideally someone needs to talk to her about these sort of pics and how they can be seen in the wrong way etc so she stops posting them If her parents won’t keep an eye on it and stop this this only other option is for you to talk to her about it ?

hoodathunkit · 06/05/2020 17:03

OP
You can report the images here

www.ceop.police.uk/ceop-reporting/

diddl · 06/05/2020 17:03

"A 15 year old kid posting photos in a thong on social media? You need to ask?"

I meant legally/criminally wrong as opposed to just stupid

"HER MOTHER NOT KNOWING IS NOT AN EXCUSE!"-no, but her father DOES KNOW AND DOESN'T CARE!!

AgentJohnson · 06/05/2020 17:13

HER MOTHER NOT KNOWING IS NOT AN EXCUSE!

But her father knowing, is. Right, gotcha. Who knew that having a penis was a mitigating factor in failing in your parental responsibilities.

momtoolliex · 06/05/2020 17:52

I'm baffled by some of these responses Confused I think it's worth having a chat with her. If she was 18+ I'd recommend staying out of it, but she is literally a school girl/child - I think it's dangerous enough putting those kind of pictures online (especially considering she's putting up personal info such as the school she goes to etc) it is defiantly worth speaking to her, if she won't take down the pictures then the very least that could come out of the conversation is her putting her Instagram on private - I'm not saying she'll listen but I think it's worth a try, it's such a shame her dad isn't doing anything about it.

ducksback · 06/05/2020 18:17

HER MOTHER NOT KNOWING IS NOT AN EXCUSE!

Such sexist crap you are coming out with OP.

Carouselfish · 06/05/2020 18:32

Don't screen shot!! Sharing photos like that is very inappropriate. You can tell them her name on Instagram without doing that.

fascinated · 06/05/2020 18:37

I see what you mean about some kids not being on radar of parents‘/guardians. My point is that this sort of thing should be the remit of social workers. Not school. School has enough to do trying to educate.

saints06 · 06/05/2020 21:34

I'm surprised Instagram have not taken the pictures down. They appear strict about flesh showing.

Kaykay066 · 06/05/2020 21:50

Child porn is not an appropriate term. Appropriate terms are, images of child abuse or indecent images of children those of you using it need to educate yourselves.

At 15 yes this should be taken further but piling on OP Because she’s the only one who seems to be concerned? I think this should be flagged to the mother but you need to do it op if her feckless father won’t. Does he realise the implications for his daughter in the future and potential for grooming/abuse if she’s in a local uniform or is he just thick?
Scary really he doesn’t see a problem with it and I’m sorry things aren’t good there doesn’t make it easy for you to broach this with him or the mother. It’s awful being put in this position but worse that she has a parent who doesn’t seem at all concerned.

My son is 15 and I would hope none of the girls in his year would post images like that up, you have to ask what motivated her to do that, obviously a attractive girl but quite extreme pictures by sound of it. Whatever happens hope this girl can get help/support from correct people

Whatsername177 · 06/05/2020 21:53

I'd contact her mum. I know you say you dont get along, but you can precursor your concern by saying that you understand that things haven't always been easy between the two of you, but you are worried about what stepdd is putting on her Instagram because there are bad people out there who might take advantage. End your contact by saying that you apologise if the mum was already aware, if it's none of your business you will back off and stay out of it, but it comes from a place of love and concern for your stepdd and her father is less use than a chocolate teapot. At least then her mum is in the frame. Search for Kim Kardashian, Jesy Neslson or any of the current social media queens and you will see their social media is very similar - half naked and sexy. Your stepdd is enulating what she sees. The problem is, what she doesnt see is the double standard. Kim Kardashian makes money from her surgically enhanced naked body. Most normal women get judged negatively and shamed.

FreakStar · 06/05/2020 21:54

@facinated Schools all have safeguarding procedures in place already to deal with children who present with various issues that relate to safeguarding. Any serious concerns would be passed to social services anyway via the schools recording system. Safe-gaurding is a multi-agency system- this is how children are kept safer. Seeing as children spend a lot of time at school they are best placed to spot the signs of abuse or other problems. Most children have no contact with social workers- they're not usually the first port of call in a situation like this- and even if they were the first to be alerted they would want to speak to school for any further evidence anyway.

fascinated · 06/05/2020 22:22

Thanks everyone who has enlightened me.

Yes. Double standards indeed, eh.

Branster · 06/05/2020 22:33

Don’t screen shot or email any of those revealing pictures!!! You might get yourself into trouble for distributing innapropiate material.
It is sad young girls feel the need to expose themselves in this way.
I really don’t have any advice, but I suspect she can easily make a second account for such images if her main account gets banned.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2020 23:01

@fascinated
Really? No wonder our educational standards are so low, when schools have to waste time on this kind of thing...

Waste time? I bet there isn't a teacher around who is responsible for safeguarding who thinks this is a waste of their time.

MagnoliaJustice · 06/05/2020 23:43

This a major safeguarding concern.
Tell her mother.
Tell her school.
Tell the NSPCC.

Then, re-evaluate the reasons why you are with the child's father - he sounds like a complete and utter loser.

Megatron · 07/05/2020 07:26

@fascinated

just frustrated that schools seem to be regarded as responsible for solving all of society’s problems. Problems that are essentially caused by a prevailing culture that pressures young girls to behave this way.

Yes its frustrating and no it shouldn't be that way but you wouldn't believe the amount of safeguarding issues we have to deal with every day.

I think comments like this:

You need to ignore it. You've told her father and he's not done anything, so it's not your problem. Reporting her profile is just mean imo.

and

Why do you care? She is not your child. I wouldn’t give a toss.

explain why. Some people really don't give a shit. They not only 'turn a blind eye', they don't actually care, as shown above. It's a massive problem and it's not going away any time soon.

I don't feel, and never have felt, that it's a waste of my time at all.

Ineedabreak19 · 07/05/2020 08:01

There are some resources below that your dh, his ex and you should read before deciding on next steps. These images are permanently online now and may cause your stepdd harm/embarrassment in the future. I'd play it from that angle to get your dh on side, would he want future employers to see her in a thong in 10 years time. What about on line bullying from other kids?

Somebody needs to have a serious chat with your stepdd, maybe a CPO over the phone can explain the dangers she's exposing herself to.

www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/
www.thinkuknow.co.uk/
www.getnetwise.org/

Original poster
FirstTimeMum54321 · 07/05/2020 10:18

Jesus, those who are attacking me for saying the mother is not without blame seem unable to read the whole message. Both parents are to blame, equally, the father for doing bugger all and the mother for not knowing in the first place. Not sexist crap at all!

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 08/05/2020 14:56

You can't blame the mother for something if she knows nothing about it. It's a pity you don't feel you can tell her because she'll be upset when she finds out others knew and she didn't. As far as the useless dad is concerned, he would just rather not know which is not the same as not knowing.

Anyway, op, it sounds as though you've made your mind up to inform the relevant person at school. Good for you, that it's the right thing to do.

For those saying it should not be the school's job, well it always has been the business of a school to help out with social problems of any kind. However in more recent years there is training and there are guidelines to follow which actually makes things easier. Schools have their reputations to consider, we mustn't forget that.

A few years ago a very good girl's grammar near me was in trouble because of lack of pastoral care, a pupil actually committed suicide and the Head resigned. The school is back on track now but it goes to show everyone concerned with school children must be vigilant.

StarlightLady · 08/05/2020 15:22

Is the teenager happy?

There are so many things concerning teenagers more disturbing than this.

A case of getting things into perspective perhaps?