Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

I think it’s reasonable to try to come to an agreement.

YANBU. You sound very understanding of both his and her issues but understandably want to use your garden as well. Could you have a chat with her? Frame it as you have here, you're aware that things you're doing in your garden are upsetting him so you've done XYZ (birds, dog etc) but it doesn't seem to have helped. Maybe suggest they use their garden in the morning and you use yours in the afternoon (or vice versa or whatever) to avoid the cross over?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, as you say it must be extremely challenging for the boys parents. But I get that the constant noise of it all batters and grinds you down. Would you actually say something though? Are you quite friendly with the parents? They may take offence at your request, they may not.

People have been flames for similar on here but I think you’re being fairly reasonable. Letting your dog out the front and moving your kids bedroom.
How late does the dc do the stimming in the garden ?

There was a thread yesterday from the opposite perspective - a mum with an SEN child who was having neighbour problems. It’s clearly a tough issue for all affected.
I think going to have a word is fine, as long as you are kind, which it seems like you would be from your post.

She might not realise that you can only hear it in the garden. She might actually think she’s minimising the noise by taking him outside. Maybe just explain to her what is going on and see what she says.

Yanbu

Yanbu.
Tell her you are going into your garden. If she refuses to compromise and insists on allowing this all day, every day, then I would take the radio/my Alex into the garden and every time he screams id turn it up.
I know this is an unpopular view on mn , but in the real world, people are entitled to sit in their gardens.

No, I don't know the parents other than to say hello when putting the bins out.

We moved here a few months ago (a couple of weeks before lockdown) and for various reasons (largely because my partner is their parent!) my partner's children have moved in. Before this it wasn't such an issue as I could put headphones in etc. but with three children now, and it being just me and them, and having to shield, it's getting increasingly difficult.

I am also not great at these kind of discussions and don't know what to say really, particularly as we would like to keep neighbourly relationships.

Thanks for not flaming me too hard - I am totally fine to get told I am being unreasonable, but if not would love some advice on wording of what to say.

@Dreamersandwishers Thank you, I will try and find that thread as it would be good to have the other perspective.

Hmmm tricky. I would very gently approach the subject with your neighbour, but be very mindful your neighbour is probably having a very tough time at the moment. In the grand scheme of things at the moment, I would do what's best for them, as any little gesture could mean a lot.

Think about it from her point of view. If she's a half decent person she's probably stressing out about it causing you guys a problem. By having a chat and coming to an arrangement about garden use so you aren't out at the same time, and letting her know you can't hear it in the house, it may make her relax a little knowing that 1. You are understanding 2. She can relax about it in the house and 3. She can use her garden without it disturbing you and vice versa.

It would take a really unreasonable parent to not welcome this kind of discussion IMO

Horrible for you. I would start by being frank about the problem; it may not be his fault, but it sure as hell isn't yours and you can't cope. His DM will hate it even more than you do, so you're on the same side.

Can you arrange to be in when he goes out for exercise so at least you get a bit of shriek-free time?

The poor kid (and mum), this must be a very difficult time for them. You're not being unreasonable though. It being shit for them doesn't mean that living next year can't also be shit for you. I think you've come up with a pretty good compromise.

If you don't want to be confrontational then maybe a note through the door with your phone number "we think we may be upsetting little Timmy when we're out in the garden, please give me a call when you're free so we can discuss what we can be doing to help"

People have been flames for similar on here but I think you’re being fairly reasonable

Usually, threads are removed because anything other than an agreement to wear earplugs or put up with it whilst acknowledging that it must be harder for the parents is seen as somehow wrong.

I think you would be VERY unreasonable and I would never dream of telling anyone not to use their garden or to keep their child inside because I didn’t like hearing them.

Would it be at all possible to have a higher fence so that their child cannot see what is going on in your garden and doesn't get disturbed by movement ? It would also give you more privacy. Prior to doing that I'd explain to the neighbours, on the phone or in writing, why you are doing it and frame it as mutually beneficial so they don't wrongly assume you are being hostile.

I don't think YABU.

It's obviously a sensitive subject but you need to be able to use your garden.

I'd probably put a letter through the door explaining the situation - your neighbour might not be aware of how much this is impacting you.

I'd make clear you've tried to make compromises (bedrooms/dog) in the hope that your neighbour might be able to do the same.

It's tough during lockdown for everyone and for your neighbour I'm sure it's especially hard.

That said there should ideally be goodwill on both sides to find a compromise.

It is really hard, he can't help it, but you have you own sensory needs too. (speaking as a parent with sensory difficulties of children with autism who stim, loudly)

I really don't know how you are going to phrase it well, as i suspect that they may be sensitive (probably due to the noise taking up a lot of patience) and dickheads who make nasty comments. It is not unreasonable to hope for an hour or two, maybe around their mealtimes so you get some peace.

you are doing really well to have done all the stuff you are doing to try and minimise the impact on you and him.

Alternatively, you could just go out for a bit and see if that prompts them to bring him in?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3899658-Neighbours-hate-my-autistic-child

@Monkeyjunk This is the one I read yesterday.

I would look at a taller fence and growing something on your side to minimise the noise and his view of you if possible, in the long term.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I'd be ready to hear that there's not much they can do during the lockdown. I imagine he's out in the garden much of the day because this helps him. Stimming is related to stress and if he feels trapped it could get worse, and I'd guess his family are doing their best in an impossible situation.

It's not unreasonable to gently raise it, but it might not be well received right now. The lockdown situation might look different towards the end of the month, and once his usual structures/routine resumes it could resolve the situation. You might feel glad you didn't say anything in the long term.

Where are his parents when he is outside all this time?
Surely they must be aware that he gets worse when others are using their garden.

It's obviously a sensitive subject but you need to be able to use your garden. nobody is stopping OP using her garden, she just doesn’t like hearing the neighbours child when she’s outside. My neighbours are building an extension..it’s noisy. I can still go into my garden as can my children.