Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

One thing stands out for me on this thread.

How many people have posted that the mother is lucky to have the OP as a neighbour.

Superficially it's a nice sentiment (for clarity I think the OP has handled this with appropriate sensitivity), but think about what that statement underpins...

It's a tacit acknowledgment that the prevailing attitudes of most people are likely to be unsympathetic.

Imagine being a parent where your experiences and expectations are that most people are unwilling to embrace even minimal sensitivity or understanding of your child's needs.

A lot of us take for granted that as a society the vast majority of people value the welfare of children and prioritise it often to our own detriment but never have to experience the very real limit (or even absence) of how far that sentiment extends when a child's needs/behaviours are not neuro typical.

I honestly think that a lot of people would struggle with having someone screaming all day in the garden next door.
It isn't being done deliberately but I can't think of much else I would find more difficult to live beside.
The noise itself would be considered anti social if it wasn't being made by a person with disabilities who had no control over it.
It is a long way from unwilling to embrace even minimal sensitivity or understanding of your child's needs.
I think that is why the OP is getting positive feedback.
Consider the threads complaining about balls going over the fence or the noise from next doors hot tub, they are small potatoes to this level of disturbance.
It isn't blaming or judging to highlight that OP is behaving well in difficult circumstances.

I honestly think that a lot of people would struggle with having someone screaming all day in the garden next door.

Lots of posters are rephrasing stimming to 'screaming'. I wonder if this is because screaming sounds unreasonable and deliberate, whereas stimming is clearly just a feature of ASD and can't be prevented or stopped.

Lots of posters are rephrasing stimming to 'screaming'. I wonder if this is because screaming sounds unreasonable and deliberate, whereas stimming is clearly just a feature of ASD and can't be prevented or stopped

Well, in this case the stimming IS screaming. Nothing to do with any "sounds like deliberately done". It's a fact.

So call it stimming?

Totally agree with this post
"stretchedmarks Fri 08-May-20 16:25:34
Can't believe this thread is still going on. A lot of people simply don't understand how hard it is.
But, I'm not surprised. During this lockdown Mumsnet has became an absolute cesspit. I'm over it.
Anyone who has a child with a disability: don't give a fuck what others think. Do what makes your life easier. Go out 8 times a day if you need to. Anyone who judges you isn't worth thinking about. Curtain twitching bastards."

Having a child with a disability is hard enough without judgemental idiots who have no idea how a child's disability impacts on life making comments.

If you have a child with a disability ignore the ignorant ones out there in their perfect worlds and do what you need to do to keep your child ok and you sane.... good luck

Or all it a vocal stim?

The noise itself would be considered anti social if it wasn't being made by a person with disabilities who had no control over it look lots of things are undesirable and unacceptable without context.

Eg Breastfeeding child, fine, bitty sketch of adult suckling horrifying.

OP HASN’T been told she’s behaving badly.

Dear god this thread has been eye opening. I periodically see people complaining that MN will delete x but leave disabilist posts up. I assumed that those posts were just ignorant or cases (apparently) like the OP's where those with difficulties didn't want to admit it causes problems.

But this is something else. There are bits I can't even read, it's vile. I don't mean the OP who I think has been very fair and reasonable, I mean the people who are suggesting ways to torment a child.

I quite genuinely feel sick after reading some of this.

Well, in this case the stimming IS screaming. Nothing to do with any "sounds like deliberately done". It's a fact.

I'm not so sure. Posts critical of the neighbours parents have fairly consistently said screaming, despite the OP and title saying stimming.

If stimming is the more accurate and appropriate word, why choose not to use it?

OP describes the noise as a shrill scream, that is why I referenced screaming.
Stimming covers a wide range of possibilities some of which OP would most likely hardly notice in next doors gardens.
Shrill screams are designed to be interpreted by humans as a distress call, it is therefore very hard to think of any circumstance where they wouldn't create some kind of distress response in those hearing it.
(Obviously if you live with the noise 24/7 you will become more able to this)
This means it is very different to breast feeding.
This is not to criticize the dc making this completely automatic noise, it would not be appropriate to expect them to be able to stop.
That doesn't mean it wouldn't be difficult to be in this situation and that OP isn't handling it very well.

Say what?

Which bit doesn't make sense @Itisbetter, I'll try and be clearer?

What are you trying to convey?

Okay, re the comparison to breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding may sometimes cause distress perhaps but that is not its intention.

Shrill screams are designed to provoke a distress reaction, (not just in humans). Therefore it isn't surprising that OP and her dc are finding the noise hard to manage, it is meant to be hard to manage.
In the same way that babies cries are meant to be hard to ignore.
I am not saying that the dc is trying to create a distress reaction, I am saying the stimming that they are using happens to be something that was evolved to do so.
OP is deserves credit for responding well to this situation.
It isn't about blaming the dc, just recognizing the role of evolutionary biology in our response patterns.

Who hasn’t given OP “credit” for not behaving like an arsehole .

@midwestsummer

It felt like your replies were a defence of the word 'screaming'? I was pointing out a theme I noticed where posters critical of the neughbours (not including the OP) used 'screaming' and seemed reluctant to say stimming, despite this being the language of the OP and in the title.

On breastfeeding.. colicy babies cry and scream to high heaven and largely this is accepted, even through thin bedroom walls etc. Stimming isn't exclusively a distressed noise, and even stimmy screams can be happy joyful ones. I don't think the discomfort some people feel from stimming noises is just that it's related to distress.

(Obviously if you live with the noise 24/7 you will become more able to this)

A solution for normies, perhaps?

The Op is just behaving like a decent human being unlike some posters on here , most parents of disabled children are very aware of how their children appear to other ,s and most would be willing to compromise.

I think screaming is relevant as I said because not all stimming is going to be an issue for a next door neighbor.
Plenty of people complain about screaming babies, even on Mumsnet sometimes.
If the stimming doesn't cause distress, which the OP thought it did then this is only a positive and would hopefully make it easier for OP and her dc to access the garden.
OP is very aware as are the vast majority of posters of how difficult things are for the family of the dc as well as her family.

I should really not try and multi task
If the stimming doesn't cause distress
Means if the stimming isn't representative of distress in the dc.

Relevant to what? Have you read the thread? OP has talked to her neighbour and has a way forward. What are you trying to share?

• @midwestsummer

It felt like your replies were a defence of the word 'screaming'?*

My reply

I think screaming is relevant as I said because not all stimming is going to be an issue for a next door neighbor.

I'm not clear what the references to sharing are about?
I'm commenting on a thread in the same way that everyone else is.
In this case I guess I am commenting that having read the thread it occurred to me that the stimming in question being high pitched screaming was relevant given the pre programmed biological responses that is likely to produce.
Other than that I just noted OP had dealt very well with the situation.

I think you could approach this in such a way that the neighbour may actually appreciate it.
Why not knock on their door (keeping 2 metres apart) and ask her if theres anything you can do to help regarding any noises coming from your home that could set him off. Autistic children have triggers and need routine so lockdown would have upset the situation massively. This way you can have the conversation so that they realise its causing a problem without being offensive. You may even get a friend out of it longterm. Once this is over their son will be back in school and back into his routine and the problem wont be so intense. Other than that all I can suggest is putting some music on in the garden, doesn't have to be loud but loud enough to muffle the noise coming from next door.

@sparkles333. 😂😂😂

Sorry I should have finished that post properly! If you'd have given that advice 21 pages ago @sparkles333 I'm sure it would have been appreciated. Hundreds and hundreds of posts later I think it's a tad late 🤔😁