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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:
bloodyhellsbellsx · 06/05/2020 12:16

You sound a very considerate neighbour, the child shouldn’t be out from daybreak you dusk it’s not nice for the neighbours, we all need to be considerate of each other regardless of SEN.

JudyCoolibar · 06/05/2020 12:22

nobody is stopping OP using her garden, she just doesn’t like hearing the neighbours child when she’s outside. My neighbours are building an extension..it’s noisy. I can still go into my garden as can my children

Building noise tends to vary and doesn't usually go on from 7am till darkness. It isn't comparable to shrill screams ramped up when anyone moves.

imsooverthisdrama · 06/05/2020 12:23

Hi this is the 2nd autism thread, so I was think oh god now what . I have a child with autism and its extremely difficult during lockdown.
I don't know you or this child so I can only judge on my experience . The fact that all of us feel scared, worried, anxious etc can you imagine a child with autism feels like 10 times more . They can't explain or ask why and everything they feel safe with has changed that is why they make a lot of noise . It's like us coming on mumsnet of talking to someone it's their equivalent.
Anyway you sound very nice op and I'm sure you wouldn't want to upset anyone and your right you should be allowed some peace and quiet.
If it was me I would be fine as long as it was a discussion rather than complaining because the poor woman must be under a lot of stress.
It's a nice idea to take some baking that's very thoughtful and hopefully you can come to a understanding.
Please let us know how you got on .

Saracen · 06/05/2020 12:24

I thinnk you have the right idea in how to approach it, and also that a fence may be very helpful.

Are you sure you can't get the fence done now? My partner is a builder and they are still working. There's far less work for him ATM due to people's finances being precarious, not wanting to upset neighbours etc, and of course some builders are needing to self-isolate or look after their own children - but they are allowed to work. In fact you might find there are local tradespeople who are desperate for work. Worth a try.

LemonBreeland · 06/05/2020 12:25

We have boy next door who is non verbal and can scream occasionally. He lives on his trampoline though, and that stops him making too much noise.

The boy next to us is also still in school part time. I'm surprised this child isn't. I guess all areas are different, but many SEN kids are still in school to keep some routine for them.

huntinthehornybacktoad · 06/05/2020 12:25

"lockdown is tough"

I think you covered it there OP. Sorry to hear about it and for your neighbour too.

NoAdventureNoTime · 06/05/2020 12:25

Hey I have this too in our row of terraced houses. Family of 7 next door, one of the children has a severe disability with very very loud stimming. When he's in his house we can hear him from outside but not inside ours. However when he is outside we cant get away from it as we can hear him as it really carries through the windows. It's a very loud base like noise which then goes higher and higher pitched, repeatedly for hours on end. In the garden or in the house we can hear him anywhere and through any noise like our TV or radio, you literally can not get peace.
Thankfully they keep him inside until gone lunch then it's just the afternoons/evenings we have it. I've never approached them as they are a lovely family otherwise and it must be so awful for them, and I know there's not much they can do. So it wouldn't help no matter what I said, there's no nice way to say it either and what would it achieve. I believe they only keep him in when they do for all our neighbours benefit.

But blimey when the noises start there's no getting away from it and it is hard Op.

NoAdventureNoTime · 06/05/2020 12:30

My last post sounds mean reading it back and not how I intended.
What I wanted to get across was that I feel, they're trying their best and I sympatise massively with their situation. So don't say anything as they have to obviously deal with a lot more than I do.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 06/05/2020 12:30

YANBU. That sounds frustrating. I couldn`t do it! Sad

gaia · 06/05/2020 12:31

Approaching your neighbour about a schedule may actually be very helpful. I have an autistic child who when younger would scream at unexpected noises, so screaming at a barking dog. However when prepared and warned eg look there’s a dog that dog will bark soon was much less stressed and a lot less likely to scream. So a note saying something like we noticed he screams when we go out/he sees the dog, would it be helpful if we set a schedule for our garden use ? etc. Setting a routine so a child knows what to expect when is often very helpful.

Pinkyyy · 06/05/2020 12:31

I hope the conversation goes well, you are being very considerate of their needs so I really hope they are able to make some changes to accommodate yours too.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 12:33

It's reasonable to take it in turns in the garden but if your family happen to be outside in his time then you should also be quiet. Neighbours chatting or making gardening noise set my son off.
Most children with sen are not in school as most special schools are shut.

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:40

So I've written

Hi (Child's Name) and (Mum's Name),

We noticed that we may be upsetting you a little bit when we use the garden and wanted to check if there is anything we could do to help make this easier for you? We are happy to do some socially-distanced meet ups over the fence as we realise we don't know you very well at all. We can also bring (dog names) too if you would like.

We did some baking today and have made (whatever I can figure out we have ingredients for). We hope you enjoy them!

(My name) is wondering if (Mum's name) would like to have an over the fence, post bedtime chat involving some G&T one evening. Please let her know. Our bedtime is between 7pm and 8pm.

If you need anything our phone number is XXXX

With best wishes,

The MonkeyJunks

--------

So I haven't quite asked them to do anything outright, but I've asked what we could do and I've put in their bedtime, is this to passive aggressive?

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 06/05/2020 12:41

I have a young son who is non verbal, autistic and stims very loudly for some of the day (more foghorn than screaming though).
I won't lie, it is hellish right right now, but I also don't think you're unreasonable. My son could stay outside all day and night if he could, but he is indoors for some of the day and he's always indoors by 5pm for dinner, chill, bath and bed.
I have got used to his various vocalisations, but I am aware others aren't.
If schools do open up in June, hopefully you won't have to put up with it much longer.

Original poster
MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:41

their bedtime - my partner's kids bedtime.

OP posts:
BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 06/05/2020 12:43

I think that's fine. I really do have sympathy for everyone in this situation Flowers

Pinkyyy · 06/05/2020 12:47

I don't think that's a good message if I'm being honest, you don't address the issue and they're likely to just say "yes that would be nice sometime" and leave it at that. They've got their hands full so probably won't want G&T over the fence with a neighbour they don't know.

1forsorrow · 06/05/2020 12:48

Good luck OP. I think most people want to be reasonable so I am hoping it goes well for you.

Tellatale · 06/05/2020 12:52

That's more than reasonable OP...id be thanking my lucky stars if you were my neighbour and really hope it works out for you 🙏 you really sound utterly lovely!! If they are remotely reasonable, they too will think so...Don't forget to change your 'signing off' name on the real note 😅 got everything crossed for you, keep us posted!! 🙏

Tellatale · 06/05/2020 12:55

I think OP is just trying not to stoke a fire if there isn't one to stoke Pinkyyy ? ..I did think it was almost too subtle but perhaps that's all it'll take to strike up conversation with them and become good neighbours? Really really hope so. Having a bad relationship with your neighbour is hell.

Noconceptofnormal · 06/05/2020 13:04

When Children with ASD are at school they are not allowed to just be outside screaming for hours a day, I imagine there are things that the parents have been advised to do with the child that they are not doing.

I am very sympathetic as I have a sibling with ASD and other complex needs, but the diagnosis is not a free for all to just let the child do what they want, the parents aren't doing that child any favours by allowing this.

I think you need to write a polite but firm letter to state that you're very sympathetic but the situation is not tenable, that the noise needs to stop after 7pm, and you need to have time in the morning and afternoon yourselves where you can enjoy being outside in peace. If you come to an agreement with them so you know to expect noise at X and Y times but the rest of the time you're free of it then that's hopefully manageable for them.

On the plus side if he's primary age hopefully this will only go on for a few more weeks before schools reopen.

TheTiaraManager · 06/05/2020 13:04

Great note, good luck!

Noconceptofnormal · 06/05/2020 13:05

Personally I think you need to be more direct in your letter OP, as you're not making it clear that it's an issue for you.

quarantinevibes · 06/05/2020 13:05

My son is exactly the same and has severe autism. I’d suggest saying something along the lines of, he seems to be more distressed when you are in the garden. Can you come to an agreement to a bigger fence being built, so you can also enjoy your garden. Taking him inside for X hour a day might distress him even more. Self harming, lashing out at others, damaging things inside, etc. So I don’t think she’s unreasonable for not wanting to take him in, if he’s more settled outside (although it sounds unsettled to you, inside may be much worse)

CatkinToadflax · 06/05/2020 13:29

Offering the use of your trampoline is a great idea, OP. Ours is a lifeline for DS - he uses it pretty much all the time and it's a great stress/anxiety buster for him.

Re children with special needs currently being in school - mine isn't. His special school is currently closed. Some children with EHCPs have been offered places in different schools during the lockdown. For many of these children this just wouldn't work unfortunately, due to the unfamiliarity of different surroundings.