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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 06/05/2020 11:30

This reply has been deleted

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CatkinToadflax · 06/05/2020 11:32

I am another parent of a DS with autism and ADHD. Thankfully he isn't usually especially noisy. You sound very understanding and I think there's a massive difference between steaming round next door to shout (ironically) about the noise, and asking how you can work together to keep your neighbour's DS as happy as possible and both enjoy your gardens (as you suggest in your OP). If I was your neighbour I would welcome this conversation. There's a screamer whose house nearly backs on to ours and I admit I roll my eyes a bit when the screaming starts, but it's a 'happy child playing in a garden scream' (if that makes sense!) and never lasts for long anyway. If it's constant and you know the child is in distress possibly due to movements in your garden, that's completely different. Do go and see how you can support your neighbour with a 'garden rota'. Hopefully they will see how understanding and caring you're being.

blue25 · 06/05/2020 11:33

That would drive anyone insane. There has to be compromise, so definitely speak to her about it.

Lucked · 06/05/2020 11:33

It’s tricky. I have a friend who has a non verbal very disabled and very kid child who had this situation. They had the resources to be able to move to the middle of nowhere but that is not something most people could afford. He can’t stay cooped up all day and hopefully a compromise will have to be reached. Not sure what you can do if they ignore your request.

x2boys · 06/05/2020 11:34

As the parent of a severely autistic child. Who likes to scream loudly I think as long as you are reasonable and try to be understanding I would be willing to compromise.

BuddleiaTime · 06/05/2020 11:36

If your children's noise makes him worse don't bring them in, that may prompt his parents to take him in. Try to have an unofficial rota.

I don't think a conversation would go well, going n previous threads on here.

Barbie222 · 06/05/2020 11:36

I think it's fair enough to feel as you do, but I'm not sure that anything can be done really, or I'm sure your neighbour would already be doing it. You could take a radio out with you to drown out some of the noise.

CatkinToadflax · 06/05/2020 11:41

would it possibly help the boy in some way if he met you all properly and you had a proper socially distanced chat with the neighbours so he’s maybe not as triggered when he hears you in the garden in future because he knows you better?

I think this is a good idea to suggest to your neighbour. We had major building work done in our house last year and DS was very anxious about having people he didn't know in his house. All of the builders got into a routine of going to say hello to him and introducing themselves so he knew who they were. Obviously harder at the moment with social distancing etc, but I think it's a good suggestion to offer to your neighbour.

Gimmecaffeine · 06/05/2020 11:42

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Reluctantbettlynch · 06/05/2020 11:44

@Itisbetter you have not read correctly. Op asking if reasonable to ask for a small amount of time to use her own garden; nowhere has she said she doesn't want him in his own garden at all, neither has she said she wants all day to themselves.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/05/2020 11:47

YANBU. As hard as it is for the parents, people just simply cannot expect others to be a-ok with constant loud noise like this from dusk till dawn.
There must be a compromise. Especially now in the lockdown.

Cloudiay · 06/05/2020 11:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable, as long as you are tactful and kind, which it sounds like you will be as you are empathetic towards your neighbours, then I would chat to them.

JemimaPuddleCat · 06/05/2020 11:49

What's the fence situation? Is it an option to change/add to the fence? Either in height if it is low, or by doubling it up or making it more solid if he can see through it?

therona · 06/05/2020 11:54

It's unreasonable of your neighbour to leave her son outside all day screaming. YANBU!

Footywife · 06/05/2020 11:56

@Gimmecaffeine Oh good grief....get a grip...it was clearly tongue in cheek.

Original poster

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 11:57

Thank you everyone, absolutely no hosepipe - that is NOT the advice I was looking for.

I will try and gently suggest this too, also we have a trampoline - would that help him? I don't know much about autism but I am quite happy to loan it to them for the duration of lockdown. I am also going to ask about the 7pm curtail because we are starting the bedtime routine then and I am really struggling with this each night (another post for another time).

When not in lockdown we are out of the house from 7am to 7pm ish most nights anyway (and it was winter) so if this happened before lockdown we wouldn't have noticed it and it would be absolutely no concern.

His mum is in the house when this happens - he is quiet when he's eating.

We do need a new fence (due to the dog), however, we didn't get that organised and now can't because of the lockdown - they have already agreed to this.

OP posts:

1forsorrow · 06/05/2020 11:57

Could you approach it from the angle of, "Hi neighbour, I've noticed when we have the children in the garden it seems to upset your son, obviously the noise isn't great for any of us. I wonder if we can work something out so both sets of children can have relaxed time outside. I know you son is up early so maybe him having the first couple of hours and then ours having some time." She might be relieved to have a way of working it out.

BovaryX · 06/05/2020 11:58

@MonkeyJunk
Have you bought or are you renting? The other option to consider is moving.

Original poster

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:00

Thank you to everyone for the advice and wording options to!

And no, we don't want to rent - my partner is already renting elsewhere so we already have double finances for housing coming out of our account.

OP posts:

IhateBoswell · 06/05/2020 12:01

That's a good angle to start with 1forsorrow, I personally would be receptive to it being put like that if it was me.

Original poster

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:01

Fence is just a three foot chicken wire deal at the moment - we are having a panel fence installed when we can (this was planned and agreed before lockdown, yes they will get the nice side!).

OP posts:

Tellatale · 06/05/2020 12:01

Just such a difficult situation. Life on all sides is taking a battering. You sound so reasonable and patient OP, very unlike the neighbours on the other thread someone had posted a link to earlier.

Everyone is entitled to be able to enjoy their garden. As the parent of a child with serious SEN, I am lucky in that they are not very loud and screamy but I am still so so glad I don't have neighbours as I know I would be so anxious about upsetting them and causing them stress. I love peace and quiet and so would hate to feel responsible for someone's else lack of it!

I would do what another poster suggested and use the "we are worried that us being outside in our garden upsets your child, shall we come up with a plan so that we aren't outside at the same time?"... if your neighbour is not remotely interested in your suggestion, dismisses you or God forbid slams the door in your face, then you'll have to start doing whatever you need to do to stay sane and enjoy your garden etc.

I too would be intrigued to know if the previous occupiers of your house left because of the neighbour!

1forsorrow · 06/05/2020 12:07

@IhateBoswell thanks for that. I wouldn't want to offend anyone coping with this sort of situation so it is nice to hear from someone like you who knows what it feels like.

Best wishes to all mums, particularly those in difficult situations whatever they may be.

Original poster

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:10

Just skimmed the other thread - I'd have absolutely no problems with balls or toast or whatever coming over the fence and would never puncture them (Our Four Legged Crew may though however unfortunately). Of course they would be handed back, isn't that just normal childhood behaviour with balls coming over?

I will go and chat to her and ask if we can have a social isolation introduction and if there's anything we can do to reduce the triggering other than what we are already doing. I'll see how that goes.

We're planning to bake today - children with autism are often gluten free aren't they? We may make some goodies to pass over.

OP posts:

Original poster

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 12:11

Really massive thanks everyone

OP posts:

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