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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

536 replies

MonkeyJunk · 06/05/2020 10:34

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

OP posts:
Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:24

What a shit situation you're in OP.
You actually sound very considerate and even when your neighbour can not stop her son's screaming doesn't mean she couldn't have shoved under your door to explain the situation and apologize for the inconvenience. Yes her son has special needs but she should be aware that this is asking a lot from the neighbours too whilst to put it very bluntly: it's not their issue and they're also entitled to enjoy their garden in peace. So I would say YANBU to ask them to try to be more considerate of you.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:25

Ginaholic22 although not in this particular case he could also be living next door to someone with autism who has meltdowns because they can't cope with someone stimming loudly next door. That's why give and take is needed.
I've never had a schedule with my next door neighbours but we are both mindful of the noise we are making and if ds is being particularly noisy I limit his time in the garden. Likewise they don't make noise in their garden all day long because they know it distresses ds and means that he can't go outside.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:28

No one should be expected to apologise for having a disability.

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 15:28

Have they asked you to stop using the garden? How is he going to learn you are just going to be there sometimes if your “solution” is to separate yourselves so rigidly? I don’t know how old your children are but they may very well have a similar young chap in their class at school, and everyone will just get on with it. Have you tried just saying “Morning XXXX it’s just Monkyjunk and the little monkeys we’re playing in our garden” and getting on with your life?

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 15:30

Nobody needs to write notes explaining and apologising for being in their own home or garden.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:31

I think they do if being there makes it impossible for the neighbours to enjoy their garden in peace. It's called being considerate and it's a two way street Hmm

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:35

Which other disabilities do you expect people to start apologising for?
What you do is you talk to each other to try and sort something out but nobody needs to start apologising.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:38

I don't expect my neighbours to apologise for when it is allowed, having visitors talking in their garden even though the chatting upsets my son and disturbs his peace.

Brogley · 06/05/2020 15:40

even when your neighbour can not stop her son's screaming doesn't mean she couldn't have shoved under your door to explain the situation and apologize for the inconvenience.

No one should ever have to apologise for the "inconvenience" of their child having a disability or for behaviours associated with that disability.

OP, don't frame it as asking when he can be kept indoors or suggesting a rota. Instead at what adjustments can be jointly made, on your side of the fe fes and hers, so that you both have access to the garden when you want access. You've already suggested good things like introducing yourselves so you're not strangers, a high fence and screening to block the view, background music to lesson the noise a bit.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:40

I think you're not really able to distinguish the difference between apologizing for having a disability (which nobody here has suggested) and apologizing for making it impossible for the neighbours to enjoy their garden. Stop twisting words.

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 15:40

To be fair it’s far more likely the child will find it hard to adapt his expectations and behaviour for OP than the other way around. Him being the one with the actual disability that makes exactly those things hard, and OP just not liking hearing him in the garden. But I’m not really suggesting OP makes any huge changes to how she expected to use her garden, I’m really suggesting that she carry on and see what happens rather than avoiding him.

LunaLula83 · 06/05/2020 15:41

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Brogley · 06/05/2020 15:41

It's called being considerate and it's a two way street

How inconsiderate of this child to be wilfully disabled and pose such an inconvenience to normal people Hmm

Brogley · 06/05/2020 15:43

If they have a child they cannot control, they shouldn't be living there really should they.

How does one go about controlling behaviours directly related do a disability? Would you ask the parents of an epileptic child to control their child's behaviour during a fit?

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/05/2020 15:44

It must be blatantly obvious that 14 hours of screaming will have an effect on neigbours. You can be the kindest person on the planet, but everyone has their limits and no one should need to feel guilty for wanting some respite. I understand that it must be horribly difficult on the parents, but people do have a right and most importantly a need for peace.

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 15:44

If they have a child they cannot control, they shouldn't be living there really should they. Don’t be ridiculous.

Spikeyball · 06/05/2020 15:45

Honeybee85 you are expecting the parents to apologise for a behaviour that is part of his disability. It's the same as expecting an apology because someone is not able to walk or hear or see.

Gimmecaffeine · 06/05/2020 15:46

I can't see an advantage for the OP in spelling out her concerns in writing. This isn't like compaining about anti-social behaviour, the neighbour is entitled to say no, her son's stimming is directly due to his disability. The

The OP can certainly ask for a compromise or adjustment, but the best way to do this is to form a rapport with the neighbour. I'd just ask to share a garden cuppa and delicately explain.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:46

How inconsiderate of this child to be wilfully disabled and pose such an inconvenience to normal people

Op mentioned the mum of the child and so did I. You can play the victim card as much as you like but given that the majority of the people here voted that the OP is not being unreasonable it seems that the majority agrees with me that it's a normal request to ask for more consideration.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:49

@Spikeyball

You really don't get it, do you.
The mum could have at least let the neighbours know she is aware of the noise.
Just like my baby can not help that sometimes he cries a lot and I can not stop him always but still I am being considerate of my neighbours by apologizing for any noise and closing windows during the night.

RedPanda2 · 06/05/2020 15:51

Can you see if the fencing company can start ASAP? There is still building work going on as a PP said. Screeching triggers PTSD for me, I wouldn't last a day.
His parent(s) must be at their wits end

Brogley · 06/05/2020 15:51

Op mentioned the mum of the child and so did I.

Why should the mum have to apologise for having a disabled child or behaviour exhibited by her child directly related to his disability?

You can play the victim card as much as you like

It's not playing the victim to challenge disablist comments.

Itisbetter · 06/05/2020 15:53

OP have you ever talked to the little boy?

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 15:55

@Brogley

Possibly you and I have had a different sort of upbringing. It's not about apologizing for a disability ffs. It's about letting the people who are affected by the noise know that you're aware of the inconvenience and you appreciate their understanding. I am not going to engage any further with you because obviously you and I have a very different mindset and you see this from a very black and white view. Good luck with that in real life!

Gimmecaffeine · 06/05/2020 15:56

Screaming and allowing a child to scream is not acceptable. I'd be asking the parents to curb it. If they have a child they cannot control, they shouldn't be living there really should they.

Cool. How'd you stop an autistic kid screaming?

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