Neighbours son with autism and all-day verbal stimming.

[MonkeyJunk]

I know I am being unreasonable, but I am also slightly losing my mind.

Our neighbour has a son who has autism and who screams as part of this (I believe). He spends each day from around 7am until darkness in the garden doing this, and I think he does it when he is inside as well. Unfortunately any movement (us, children, animals) seems to be a trigger.

He does also do this in the house but because of the way our houses are designed and because they are the end of terrace house we cannot hear it (and nobody else can).

I get it is really, really, really shit for her, but it is now becoming relentless. All day, every day when the weather is good - it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out.

I know lockdown is tough, and the mother must be finding it very difficult, but it's having a huge impact on us and our family life - particularly not being able to enjoy our garden, being woken up and the kids struggling to sleep at night (we've now moved them into the front bedroom to try and minimise this).

WIBU to ask if her son can please be inside by seven pm and for some hours during the day so we can go into and enjoy our garden?

7pm is a perfectly reasonable time to ask for them to curtail his garden activities, so your partners' kids can enjoy some outdoor time too.
It's not like you're suggesting they keep him indoors all day, is it.

I think if you phrase it much like you have in your post, showing that you understand her situation and that you have already made accommodations within your own household, it shouldn't be too confronting to ask for some time.

Good luck - it's a very difficult situation.

How old is the neighbour's child?

I'm just curious tbh as our neighbours 3 doors down have two boys who are both on the spectrum and they are still going to school. Similar noise issues of an afternoon/evening, but not as bad as yours and since our garden is in shadow by then it doesn't cause an issue.

I don't think YABU but appreciate it's a difficult conversation to have, especially if they are relatively new neighbours.

For context, my adult DB is severely autistic and as a family we are used to people making rude comments, staring and laughing. Kids threw rocks at him once. If our neighbours had complained about him this would have been really tough - going out was an ordeal at times, and facing it in our own home would have been very difficult.

Nothing you have said is unreasonable, but honestly I have no idea how to raise this delicately. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

As you say lockdown isn’t easy for anyone and you sound like a reasonable person.

My own son has autism and adhd. I am aware of any noise he makes and how it may impact others. We have great neighbors who always say they don’t here anything but they must. I do have one across from me who is a bit of a busybody and told me she would call social services as she’s interpreted his screaming to mean hes in danger, which it’s not he screams because he is overwhelmed usually by social demand from his other siblings. 😟

My own son is what would have been classed years ago as ‘high functioning’ so to the average person who may not know much about ASD he seems like your average child, he does quite well at school, makes eye contact and has a tendency to sound very intelligent by using lots of big words that is until he’s in a situation which he’s struggling with..... which can happen often throughout the day. I often feel on edge with him as I think most people think of autism and think of children who are non verbal, no eye contact etc. So I suspected there is neighbors who just think DC and the rest of us are all a little crazy!

Due to this I do break up his time outside as he tends to get into fights and conflict easily with the other DC’s and he struggles to contain his emotions which causes meltdowns. I let his siblings out in the morning for a play on the swings while he’s busy inside. When he becomes restless I let him outside but I have to go out myself. He can’t be left on his own as he can loose his cool in the blink of an eye and I don’t want the other DCs getting screamed at or an injury. He gets a while then I need to bring him back in and give him some spaces as he can be overwhelmed with the other Dcs.

If your neighbors kids is outside all day from 7am until late I don’t think she’s being fully considered of others and it seems a bit lacking. Is he an only child?

She really should be breaking up his time outdoors to give others some quite time. I do say to Ds if you can’t use a quite voice them we have to go inside as other people want to enjoy there garden too. Usually we have to then go inside as he’s on track for a meltdown anyway by that point.

I think you need to have a chat with her and let her know you totally understand and while she can’t control his behaviours she can control his garden time.

Let her know you have been holding back from going out and letting the dog out etc as you don’t want to upset her DC and because you don’t want to upset him it means you can’t use the garden at all.

I would make it less about the noise and more about you not wanting to trigger him off. You sound very reasonable and hopefully she will understand your just wanting to be able to use your own garden.

I hope she’s understanding as I do think it’s a bit lacking just popping him into the garden all day every day form 7am until late. She needs to find ways to manage him indoors for a little while to break things up. It’s definitely not easy being the parent of a child with additional needs but there also has to be some consideration for neighbors.

Could you also think of some screening etc for your garden.

The fact that he finds it scary when you're in the garden opens up a chance to ask the parents kindly whether it would help them if you went out at certain times, so that you didn't overlap with them? You could also ask her if there's anything you could do to help, she might find it impossible to go out shopping with him, for instance. Otherwise, invest in some noise cancelling headphones and calming music, and look into making the fence higher so that you can't see each other :-)

We moved here a few months ago Do you think the people before you moved out due this?

Oh god I feel for you. I wouldn't be able to handle it and my DH would certainly not. Must be hard for them though, they probably would love to take him to the park and let him run around and make as much noise as possible but they can't :(

I think having a word would be ok but bear in mind, she will probably get upset or be defensive

As a parent of an autistic child who also stims loudly but not constantly and not screaming, I would be absolutely receptive to you approaching this kindly (as it seems is your intention) We keep our son indoors until after 10am and he is only out for an hour or so at a time and never after about 7.30. And we do bring him in if he gets too noisy... it's a tough time as he usually gets a lot of sensory feedback from his daily life with swimming, school, and his out of school activity and we try and replace these with water play or the trampoline or his swing in the garden to try and keep him on an even keel, which actually minimises his vocal stims. I hope you are able to find a happy resolution to this, as you have been more than accommodating in your actions.

it means our home is not very peaceful at all and we cannot enjoy our garden at all (he seems to go into a much more shrill scream when there's movement in our garden). We've stopped feeding the birds and are letting the dog out the front yard when it needs to go out

That must be really awful for you. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are unable to go into your garden because of this. I think you should try to express your perfectly reasonable concerns about how this is affecting your family to your neighbour.

nobody is stopping OP using her garden, she just doesn’t like hearing the neighbours child when she’s outside. My neighbours are building an extension..it’s noisy. I can still go into my garden as can my children.

It's not quite the same though is it.

Part of the issue here is that the OP using her garden makes the stimmimg worse.

In your case, the noise level isn't dependent on whether you are in the garden or not.

Equally I doubt the builders are there from 7am until darkness. Most builders clock off after about 4pm so you at least get a few hours in the day of peace.

Knowing your exacerbating the issue by simply being in your garden does make it a very different situation.

I have a son with autism. I can see both sides. I don’t let my son out all day because he might annoy the neighbours. In my case he will consistently want to talk to everyone over the fence because he likes to talk constantly. The neighbours don’t seem to mind for short bursts. They are used to my chatty child but I don’t let him do it for long. I don’t let him out for long periods as he also is white noisy in the terms of talking, screaming, arguing with his sister, streaking etc. Stimming isn’t a big issue for Ds. For instance I let him out for an hour or so around 10am (don’t go out too early), again in the afternoon for an hour and then again before bath time around 5-6! If I see my neighbours chilling outside I tend to wait until they go in just because of my own paranoia about my son being noisy.

I get how hard it is for his parents but I also get his frustrating it is for you. I’m not sure what you can do though, sorry. There’s children behind me that also have some degree of special needs I believe and they are constantly climbing the fence just staring into our garden, I wouldn’t mind if they spoke but I find it intrusive and this is coming from someone who has a son with autism. Their mum doesn’t try and get them down either.

Certainly no flaming from here. I think many people would feel the same as you do.

I can understand how difficult it is for your family. However having worked as a teacher in a special school I honestly cannot imagine how hard it is at the moment for the parents of children with asd. It must be absolutely relentless without the break of school, respite, clubs etc. I would have a conversation in a non aggressive way and hear each other out.

Try and handle it sensitively, the idea of pretending it’s about reducing his distress rather than noise is good. I suspect the neighbours would be very relieved to hear the noise doesn’t carry when he is inside.

A taller fence likewise is a good idea.

@Sleepyquest you are spot on. We have a goal to move to someplace with a little plot of land so DS can run free. He’s at his happiest out in the open and I am less on the edge of my seat wondering who he’s going to flip out on next.

To the Op as others have said you could word it to ask if she needed something from you to help. Ie should you avoid the garden at a certain time so he can enjoy it without being triggered off and that should lead her to ask the same and hopefully you can come to an arrangement.

I have to ask what is it with Mumsnet and pushing letters through the door? 🧐

I feel your pain. We have the same problem, except we can also hear it through the walls of the house. It's relentless at times. Our neighbours child has also taken to sitting staring at us whenever we sit in the garden....she literally pulls up a chair as though she's watching a show and stares. It's very uncomfortable and a massive invasion of privacy.

We're in the process of looking at higher fence options/some screening.

It doesn't help that the mother is a drug addict so just leaves the child to it.

I have a very noisy autistic son who stims a lot. He is however only in the garden for a max of 2 hours a day and we have a detached house so the neighbours cannot hear him inside. I think your request is very reasonable and if I was your neighbour I would not be offended.

As others have said though you should try to broach it gently as I imagine the parent(s) are very stressed at present and may be trying to work inside whilst their son is outside. It may also be the case that it will not go on too much longer. My son is back at school for 2 days a week and I imagine that children with special needs (unless they have other health issies) will be amongst the first to return after half term. You may want to wait until after the sunday announcement to assess how much longer it is likely to be an issue.

@MintyCedric alot of special school,s are closed right now my sons certainly is

One of the other threads mentioned on here is very different as the child wasnt out in the garden for long and the complaining neighbours made lots of noise of their own from 6am so a bit rich for them to complain. I think the best way is to go and speak to them not a letter which can sound cold and formal. Explain the changes youve made and that it dosnt seem to help so the suggestion or a sort of rota so you both get to enjoy your gardens seems like a nice idea.
You come across as very understanding.

Hi OP
I'm parent to an exceptionally hyperactive 5 year old who has regular loud and violent meltdowns. When lockdown was announced we doorstepped our neighbours with a bottle of wine and a card with our number and a bit of an explanation as to how we planned to minimise any disturbances etc.... we received a lovely card back with a kind message and so far have managed to keep these outbursts in areas of the house least likely to transfer to our neighbours.
We would be devastated to think we were inhibiting their enjoyment of their home, yes it's very challenging daily but it is possible mostly to contain things.
I think a friendly word would be very fair in these circumstances honestly.

We moved here a few months ago Do you think the people before you moved out due this?

That's an interesting point @TheOrigBrave

As the mother of a non verbal child with ASD I'd just advise as others have, and be prepared for the boy's mum to be defensive/upset.
The tone of someone talking about my child would definitely dictate if I was prepared to come up with a solution to help.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from though, my little boy likes shrieking loud at times and I obviously have all the patience in the world with him, but it can wear on your last nerve 😬

I know NOTHING about this but would it possibly help the boy in some way if he met you all properly and you had a proper socially distanced chat with the neighbours so he’s maybe not as triggered when he hears you in the garden in future because he knows you better?

Like I say, sorry if a stupid suggestion, it was just a thought.

I have young twins with ASD. Fortunately mine aren’t that noisy (in fact most of the time theyre in the garden they don’t make a peep) but I’m still very wary of the fact others around us are working from home (one in garden room about two metres from their swings). I’m doing whatever I can not to disturb others. If it were me I’d rather you told me, and it’s not like there’s no solution. She must be really struggling and I have every sympathy for her but she should be receptive to ways to make things more tolerable for her neighbours.

nobody is stopping OP using her garden, she just doesn’t like hearing the neighbours child when she’s outside. My neighbours are building an extension..it’s noisy. I can still go into my garden as can my children.

I'd rather listen to building work than screaming from a child.