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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

184 replies

Creation · 06/05/2020 08:47

I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

OP posts:
Hilda40 · 06/05/2020 08:50

Two is enough for any family

MrsJoshNavidi · 06/05/2020 08:52

YANBU to want another child, but YWBU to actually have a child you can't afford.

Stillfunny · 06/05/2020 08:53

I wanted a 3rd child too. But my DH persuaded me that we couldn't afford it.
30 years later , I still regret it. Go for it.!

HappyDinosaur · 06/05/2020 08:53

You've still plenty of time though. Try to get yourselves in a better financial position over the next couple of years and see how things are looking. You are only being unreasonable if you choose to bring a new child into the mix right now, when things are already tight, as this will have an impact on the two children you already have and they, of course, must come ahead of your yearnings.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 06/05/2020 08:54

My DH racked up debt without my knowledge (until a year ago). We had been thinking of adopting a child (have one birth DC) but that is on hold until the debt is paid off. With a serious recession predicted as coming very soon due to Covid I really think your priority needs to be paying off the debt as quickly as possible.

MinnieMountain · 06/05/2020 08:54

YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT. Does that help?

IggyAce · 06/05/2020 08:55

Honestly 2 is enough, I too thought about a 3rd but decided the upheaval and cost wasn’t fair on my existing children. We are able to give our 2 dcs pretty much everything they want and we couldn’t have done that if we had had a 3rd.

venusandmars · 06/05/2020 08:55

You can give your two existing children a happy home by being financially stable, getting yourself into a fulfilling job/career, not adding further pressure to your household.

Sometimeswinning · 06/05/2020 08:55

I wanted another baby in a similar position. I needed to go back to work and increase hours but I wanted a baby no matter what. It's taken 4 years for us to be ok. A large amount of debt we're now paying off. Living in our overdraft every month and now we're only just seeing small improvements. I'm lucky my dh and I are pretty solid. We'd have never have survived. The only plus was dd3 was worth it. I'd go back and do the same.

Summergarden · 06/05/2020 08:55

Sorry, but having read all that you’ve posted there’s no way I’d have any more. Especially in these uncertain times.

You are so fortunate to have two already, try to enjoy them to the full.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/05/2020 08:55

Yanbu to feel it, YABU to do it.

Tatty101 · 06/05/2020 08:56

Is it fair on your existing children to reduce their quality of life just so you can add another child to your family?

If you could afford it, great go for it. But depending on others and potentially on benefits is not a fun place to be for anyone, let alone for a family with three kids

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/05/2020 08:56

I’m sure someone will be along and say all children need is love.

The reality is very different and children come with a multitude of expenses. Given the debt, one income, no own home it would be madness to add more financial pressure. It would impact the existing children too.

What would happen of your DH left as you have no own income to support three children let alone yourself.

I’m guessing there are also step children in the mix given you need a 7 seater so likely other financial commitments.

Ughmaybenot · 06/05/2020 08:58

YANBU to want another but YWBU to have another when you are well aware that you can’t afford it, thus dragging your two existing children down into a life of being skint and having little in the way of financial security.
You say you’ve a lot of love to give and a stable home etc, which would make sense if there was an existing child missing this, but there isn’t. A child you’ve not yet decided to have is simply a musing, not a living being needing a good home.

Futurenostalgia · 06/05/2020 09:00

Would you need an 8-seater car?

PippaPegg · 06/05/2020 09:00

You're young. Years ahead to invest in getting more secure finances. Fertility will be ok 5y from now

RobertSmithdoesmyhair · 06/05/2020 09:02

Don't have a 3rd. They are sooooo expensive once they become teens - phones, laptops, trainers, designer clothes, food,driving lessons, uni. If you can't afford 3 babies, you'll never be able to afford 3 teens!!

GatoFofo · 06/05/2020 09:03

You can’t afford it. The planet can’t afford it. Don’t do it!

LouiseTrees · 06/05/2020 09:04

You are only 31. You could wait a while. How does your DH feel? And re the 7 seater if it’s because you have two/three step children then the need for a third is to feel equal/better then that’s not a good reason. I think this needs to be a conversation between you and your DH and if you are not both happy you don’t do it. If you are both happy then go for it. But make sure you understand his expectations on when you will return to work and he understands yours.

Ullupullu · 06/05/2020 09:05

You shouldn't have savings if you have debt. Use the ISA to pay off the credit card. That's one major issue sorted. Then can you start to build up savings again this year before TTC? I wouldn't get pregnant this year during lockdown but you have time

Thehop · 06/05/2020 09:05

Just wait a few years! Your situation isn’t terrible, you can wait for child 3 and feel more comfortable.

Connie222 · 06/05/2020 09:05

You are so young. You could wait ten years to have another child! (I have a BIG age gap, it’s lovely!)

You could be in a much different position in five years even.

lynsey91 · 06/05/2020 09:06

You can't afford it so not sure why you are even thinking about it. Plus why can you not be happy with 2 children? Why do so many women (and men) want 3, 4, 5 etc? This planet is overpopulated already, the UK is ridiculously overcrowded and there is no need whatsoever to have more than 2.

I am actually 1 of 3 and I hated it. I vowed if I had children (me and DH chose not to) no way on earth would I have 3

cornersteps · 06/05/2020 09:07

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

Lots of people. The bottom line is if you can't afford to have another then you can't afford to have another.

Mum2Girls19 · 06/05/2020 09:10

Can we ever afford our children??
I read somewhere that a child over a period of a year up to the age of 21 is roughly £230,000.
Do any of us think of that when we have kids??

I surely didnt, now I am in the best position financially than I have ever been but I didnt think about it when I had my children.
They are the best part of me...

Think of all the things you can give that are free, its not all about technology and gifts and I would say go for it, we have one life and we know from recent events that it can be cut short.
If you and your family are happy with adding to your brood, I'd say go for it.

Good Luck :)

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