To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

[Creation]

I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

But if you want a third, people are all, 2 is enough. First baby already has playmate, vagina please close shop?! makes no sense to me
Op can't afford a third . Did you miss the whole fucking point, Desiring?
If she could, she wouldn't have had to ask the question.
Anyone encouraging someone else to have a child they can't afford to raise is a complete idiot who needs be ignored.

@Thisismytimetoshine I bet that if she was posting that she wanted a second child, the reactions would be different. She probably couldn't afford a second child either judging from her financial situation. Or possibly the first. I am not entirely sure waiting 5 years would mean that her financial situation improves. There are some people who could wait their whole lives but never be able to afford children.

The car loan is a payment which is fine as long as you afford to keep up payments. The credit card debt should be cleared before having another kid, can you use the savings of almost equal values.

Other then that it's just a question of if you can afford your outgoings if you were to go back onto maternity and childcare or not working after that.

Debt in itself does not mean that you 'can't afford another kid' it's more outgoings via incoming.

OP you can’t afford it right now but if you clear your debts and start saving properly you may well get there. Your maternal urge to have another child sounds like a strong one and you should do everything to try and put yourself in a position to revisit this question in say 5 years time. You have time on your side and a breathing space to improve your financial situation. Good luck!x

Time is on your side. A lot of women are a lot older than you when they have their first. Wait a few years, work on the debt, get your career going.

We had a third when our first and second were 10 and 8 and it's been great.

FWIW, I am absolutely done wrt having children, head and heart in absolute agreement there, but whenever I see a pregnant woman, I still, without fail, think 'lucky thing'. Try to work out what is going on for you - why this feeling is so strong, what it consists in. Is it an urge (for want of a better phrase) or does it speak to another need?

Pay off the credit card.
How much is the car worth? £15000 is a lot for a car when you have no money, get a cheaper one.?

Check the position with regard to benefits. There are online calculators. You may be entitled to more than you think.

Any other thread where an OP states explicitly why they can't afford something but really, really want it, it's pretty unanimous that to proceed would be very unwise.

For some reason in the same situation many posters however encourage another baby. When there are already two children.

OP I really understand that urge for a baby, I do. But you have a responsibility to the family you have now and you must protect them as best you can financially. As recent events have shown you have no idea what's round the corner, please think carefully.

Children are not an entitlement.

Cattle you've worded that post so well.

In a nutshell, tellmewhentheLangship. Seriously, people advising op to just sell her car?!

You have so much time left! Get your finances in order, get a job and in 4-5 years have another think if you still want one! I'm 31 and don't have any yet!

I sometimes wonder what posters aim to get asking these sort of questions on MN. Are you really going to follow what the masses on the internet think? I think the OP is more or less sold on the idea of a 3rd and maybe wants a sounding board but I can't imagine her thinking "Oh the wise women of Mumsnet have decreed that I should stick at 2 children, thus my womb is closed till further notice." Give it a few months and she'll be on the antenatal threads.

@Hilda40 what a ridiculous comment.

You're only 31. You have plenty of time for another child in years to come if you'd like one. Concentrate on clearing your debt and putting yourself in a better financial position over the next 3-5 years and then see how you feel after that.

Life and finances can change in an instant. Take control of what you can re debt/income and see where you can go from here.

We wanted a third which we could afford, but we had twins, that one extra tipped us over re childcare costs so I had to give up work the last 5 years. I've since been diagnosed with a progressive condition so have used that time to go back to uni to hopefully get a better paying more long-term reliable job.

You can't always get what you want... I wanted 4! Enjoy the healthy, happy children you have and see what the future brings, you are still young and corona will have a long legacy....

Just be content with what you have. Many people would kill for that. However, if you do ignore the majority, go on to have a third and end up in financial trouble with your kids having a hard time, do us a favour and own your choices. Don’t blame others or call yourself ‘left behind’.

I’d love a fourth but we can’t afford it - although I’m a lot older than you and it may be that in a few years you and dh are in a better position.
Yanbu in my opinion and I hope the time becomes right for you in the future @Creation

Thank you, Langship

When people post 'AIBU to want xxx', I always feel no, not at all, we do ourselves a disservice by suppressing feelings that are there. But we may do ourselves (and others) a bigger one if we act upon feelings (or maintain our right to entrench them - thinking of 'gender disappointment' here) without examining why they are so and what they are responding to/addressing.

Yes I was in your position OP.

Renting, hardly any savings, I really wanted a 3rd.
OH would not entertain the idea.

Years on now, I am very glad we stopped at 2 children.
Teenagers are very expensive- and University costs are chilling.

I want my children to have the best start and opportunities- and that costs money.

OP all I will say is, you have plenty of time to decide! You could have a 3rd in 4-5 years time, the older siblings will be much more independent (and helpful), you will probably have paid off more of your debt, hopefully be in a decent job by then. You may also need to move to a bigger house, or maybe if you want to buy you'll need to buy a fixer-upper which will take time to sort, you won't want a newborn in a building site, etc.
So just hang tight, now is probably not the right time but that's not to say it's off the table for good. FWIW, I had my first at 37, second at 41.

For Gods sake we don't need everyone to be breeding like rabbits just because they "want to".
There are far too many humans around and you will be skint for years.
I had one child because that was all I could afford without having to go on benefits.

YANBU to want it

YWBU to do it

Wait a while. I think having more than one sibling is something special, but you have time to wait.

Having more than one sibling in a home where there's insufficient income would be a certain type of special, I suppose.