To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

[Creation]

I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

It's not about having just love to give though is it?

You've got a fair amount a debt and no savings or house. And job prospects are pretty slim now for the foreseeable.

You'd be very selfish to have another DC.

YANBU for wanting another, but unfortunately, you can't afford it. YWBU to have another child knowing you can't afford it. I wouldn't knowingly bring a child into a life where money isn't freely available.

They get much more expensive as they get older too - activities, gadgets, spending money, school trips. Not to mention bigger cars, more expense to pay on holidays, days out etc. In the long term, costs for supporting them at university or as young adults. You will have to curtail the things you spend on your existing children to have a third.

It's not unreasonable to want another, but it would seem unreasonable to have one when you already admit you can't afford it and we are heading into very uncertain economic times.

Yanbu op there's nothing wrong with wanting another child. Hopefully in a few years your situation changes. I currently have one and there's no way we could afford another. Really pangs when I hear about other people's pregnancies. People keep asking me when we're having a second

Well I desperately want a million pound house in central London but I can't afford it. Sometimes you can't have what you want, that's life!

Think of all the things you can give that are free, its not all about technology and gifts

Food, clothes and a roof over the child's head are fairly basic "needs". And unfortunately none of them come free. No amount of loving your child will provide these for them.

I know exactly how you feel op. I desperately want another baby, but am having to force myself to see sense and forget about the idea, as we already have two, who take up so much of our finances, time, love etc, that I feel a third would rock the boat and we'd end up not enjoying life like we do right now. In some ways I feel "life is perfect" right now, our kids are great, get on really well, and easy going, happy, well behaved, and so much fun. I feel bringing another baby into the mix will completely shake up and change what we already have, and who knows of that will be for better or worse? When I imagine our third, I see it as a fairy tale, with the older two doting on their new little sibling, and everything all peachy, but I know the reality will be sleepless nights, probably not coping very well, and having to stretch our money further than it can probably stretch. Then I imagine our lives in the future and I do always think there "should" be another child/teen/adult DC there. My dp really wants a third too, which makes it harder, as I have to be sensible, put my foot down and say "no" when I so desperately want to say yes. To be the mum I want to be, and have the life I want for my existing children, I'm making the decision not to have a third. It makes me very sad though.

It would be very selfish of you and very unfair on your existing children to prioritise your own wants over their needs. Please think of them first.

To the PPs saying “your fertility will be fine in 5, 10 years time” - where did you get your crystal balls from?

No guarantees in this life.

Wait a few years till you can afford it
It's not a massive debt and it's one you can change.
Get rid of the expensive 7 seater.... buy a second hand one with the savings.
accrue no debts .
I had my 3rd at 42.
2 older kids are teenagers and can babysit and do lots to help.

You can't afford it now but it's not to say you never will. In 5-7 years you could be in a different position, focus on clearing your debt and getting on to a better financial position and reevaluate then, you've still got quite a few fertile years left.

But yabu to have a child you can't afford, it is not fair on your existing children.

I think you have to be realistic. What sort of a future do you see for yourself and your family? Do you want to work? Unless you have a very high paying job, it’s unlikely you will be able to afford wrap around childcare for three children and will therefore be stuck doing low paid jobs that you can fit in during school hours or when your DP is now working.

For goodness sake, Creation, now is hardly the ideal time to be thinking about 'creating' another life. At least wait until the pandemic is over and things are back on an even keel. At that time you an re-assess your situation. What does your husband think about it?

From reading your other thread the other day yes yabu. You can’t afford to look after the family you have without having another.
Two days ago you were desperately trying to find your way out of debt, today you fancy another baby. Has your situation changed?

I would love a house in Monaco but I can’t afford it, so I don’t have it. Simple maths

If you really want something you should try to get it. Work out what you would need to do what you want then start drilling into the obstacles in your way. £16500 of debt is a years salary on minimum wage. Put in the hours, do without, and you can try for the life you want

It sounds like a fairly have-not existence for the two children you already have, even before you think about spreading your finances even thinner with a third. YABU.

If you can't afford it you shouldn't do it.

Sorry. The only hope that I can give you is that you can try to change your financial position. But it's not fair to dupe your children to a destitute life just because you want another.

You are only 31. Clear the credit card debt ASAP, get that loan paid off, establish yourself in a career that has maternity leave, save up for a house and revisit the decision in 4-5 years.

Can we ever afford our children??
I read somewhere that a child over a period of a year up to the age of 21 is roughly £230,000.
Do any of us think of that when we have kids??

Yeah to be honest. I'm not having kids until I've cleared the debts I have, except the mortgage obviously, and know that I am definitely in a secure job. I'm anxious enough without needing that stress too.

Having a child now that you definitely can't afford in the middle of a global crisis? Very stupid idea.

Can we ever afford our children??

Yes. This myth that no one can really afford to have children is just nonsense. Loads of people wait until they are financially comfortable before they have children.

The title of your OP is your answer, you can afford it right now. Why don’t you focus on improving your financial circumstances for the next few years and reassess then, you’ve got plenty of time

For us it was a slightly different scenario. We both work ft (education and social care) but, due to my horrendous divorce and settlement, we're still currently renting our three-bed property. I earn slightly over minimum wage, my OH earns around £18k pa. I have two sons -10 and 12.5 - half of the time (court enforced in 2014 before coercive control was acknowledged). The only top-up at all on top of our earnings we have is Child Benefit for one boy. You can guess who has it for the other, despite earning way in excess of £100k pa.

My fiancé has always wanted a biological child but accepted this was probably unlikely. He was married previously before meeting me but unfortunately his ex-wife had significant fertility problems and they decided to stop trying. This wasn't the reason they separated. She went on to foster.

When I turned 39 last year it really was a point of decision making for us both as obviously fertility declines with age. I am now 36 weeks' pregnant with a little girl.

Yes it isn't going to be easy financially but ateotd we are both supporting our family and not receiving any other financial support from anyone else. We will continue to do so.

Good luck with your decision, OP.

OP, broodiness is hormonal - the urge to reproduce is a strong drive. If you had a third child, you would probably then later crave a fourth.
Please think with your brain, not your hormones. The planet is desperately overpopulated and every new child with a Western level of consumption contributes to climate change and environmental destruction.
You cannot afford another child and neither can the planet. Please be content with the two you have, for their sake and the sake of their future, let alone your own financial position.

Ps I would've loved another couple of kids but I couldn't afford them then and now it's not fair because I would be so old as they approached adulthood