To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

[Creation]

I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

I think no one can ever truly afford a child, but you manage and you get by. But at only 31, you could have another in 10yrs and financially very different. Maybe make a deal with yourself to have a baby once your debts are paid off? So it's not a no, just not a right now

Prioritise the standard of living for you and your existing children, give them the opportunities you otherwise couldn’t.

I always wanted a third, I had her when the second was 10 and it has been marvellous! I do feel done and like our family was complete.

The older kids adore her, I have a lot of time and energy for her, and our home is happy (exhausted, but happy). Just last night older kids were imagining how boring lockdown would be without a small sister to crawl all over them.

It is okay to wait until you are in a better place, you have a lot of time.

@Creation if it means your other children have to go without then no.
If it means their quality of life is less then no.
If you can afford to go on holiday but couldn't afford it once a 3rd child comes along then no.
I was only going to have 1 child for this very reason as wasn't certain I'd afford another. My financial situation changed so I was able to have another albeit 9 years later

I think no one can ever truly afford a child, but you manage and you get by.

Well no, actually most people make important life decisions (which having a child is) with some considered thought. I don't know anyone (unplanned pregnancies excepted) who hasn't planned how they would afford a child in advance of getting pregnant.

MN is full of threads from posters who are struggling financially. Lots of them have clearly "chosen" to have more children than they can afford. Generally at some point someone says "why on earth did you choose to have more children?" which is clearly not great advice when the child is already here, which is why you need to think about it in advance!

Have another child, you can just go on cheaper holidays if that's the issue.

Not in that position but am pregnant with our first child with a similar amount in loans (I m in my 20s and I know with my families fertility if I waited into my 30s that if we wanted a second child it could be difficult, so I understand not everyone has that option) , we can however afford the payments comfortably on maternity pay.
You could make a big chunk in that amount of debt on a year or two and then reassess, money saving expert is a good forum with supportive people for advice on how to reduce costs so you can overpay, utilities and food bill and any luxuries is a good place to start.

What's to say that you won't desperately want more though? When does it stop? You can say that you've always wanted three but, as a pp said, you are thinking with your hormones not your brain. Two are far far easier than three...

It's a little hypocritical of me, because I had five, which we could well afford at the time. But then my husband left me, refused to pay a penny and I had all five as a single mother. And when they are young, it's easy to think that you can manage. Five teenagers simultaneously and no money would try the patience of several saints.

So maybe pay off your debts first, give yourself some time. You may find that your hormones settle and the drive for another becomes less. You may find you still want one more and can now afford it. Make no decisions in this Time of Corona anyway.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, having grown up with parents who couldn't afford me (they are loving, and amazing, but the lack of money was a huge stress for them, and for me growing up), please don't do it. Your desire for another which will likely mean you and your existing children struggling is selfish. If you didn't have any and couldn't afford one then maybe the answer would be different, but please think of your children.

Oh wow - I’ve just started ttc my first and am livi in fear of not having enough money! In comparison to you though I feel way more relaxed! 35k in our help to buy (still not enough as we are trying to buy in London) 1000£ credit card debt - that I’ll have paid off by July! Both of us working full time.

There is absolutely no way you should bring another child into the world until you are in a better financial position! You are only the same ages as me - you can wait a bit longer! Get back to work - start paying the debt off! Then revisit this!

I don't understand why you would have to have a child right now - you're only 31, for heaven's sake!

Get yourself established in your chosen career, wait until you've been there at least long enough to qualify for maternity leave, then you will be able to have DC number 3 and a steady career with a decent income.

I think in the meantime you should reflect on why you feel you need another baby right now and what you think it would bring you that you don't already have. It seems like you need to work on your patience more than anything. You don't have to do everything right now.

I think no one can ever truly afford a child, but you manage and you get by

What a load of rubbish. Of course you can buy excessive amounts of stuff they don't need and pay ridiculous amounts for activities they don't want to do, kit them out in designer clothes; but plenty of people have children within their means. Of course someone (or both) could lose their jobs, but the less children you have the more affordable it is.

Focus on your existing childrens needs, to knowingly have another child when you can't afford to have them is just selfish.

I can understand the desire but you clearly cannot afford another child.

Don't spoil your children's childhood with financial struggles and regret for what you don't have.

Think how lucky you are.
These are very challenging times with tough financial times to come.

Focus on reducing your considerable debt.

You are not unreasonable to want another child. Given your circumstances it would be selfish and unreasonable to go ahead and have another, think of the children you have now and their growing needs. Wouldn't you rather have a comfortable life with 2 children than struggling and worrying how you are going to pay the next bill with 3?

The thing is, life is all about making decisions and difficult choices that we may not like.
My head rules my heart so I would say in your current situation absolutely not.
Get a job, give it a few years, then reassess.

I would revisit this in a couple of years OP - everything might be different by then. It doesn’t sound like now is the right time for a baby, but you’re still young and there’s every chance that in time you will be in a better position if you still want a third.

I think no one can ever truly afford a child, but you manage and you get by.

Complete rubbish. Wealthy people also have children.

A friend of mine decided to try for a third and ended up with twins! Rare I know, but worth thinking about. They didn't have any family history of twins (that they knew about)

Your finances are no bodies business. I've 2 children and in all honesty if we'd sat down and thought about our finances and the debt we were in we'd have probably never had a child! But thankfully we didn't , we went ahead, had our children now age 12 and 7. Still got debt but it's manageable, never had to claim benefits. Having a 3rd child is your decision, no one else's.

I always wanted another child but kept putting it off for financial and practical reasons. I'm now sure that it was the right thing. They're nearly 16 and nearly 14 and life with teens is very expensive, as well as emotionally draining at times. We would definitely struggle with three. The two we have get on well and we can give them our time and attention - and money.

Just to clarify - I'm sure that not having a third was the right thing for us!

I'd like a 4 bedroom detached house and a new car and 3 foreign holidays a year and a cleaner and.......but if you can't afford it you can't have it!!
3 children adds another twist to costs - bigger car to get 3 seats in (although it sounds like you already have one of those), 2A + 2C is often the max occupancy on hotel rooms so you'd need two to accommdate 5, same with family tickets for attractions etc....

Op are your repayments for your debt at a level you can't comfortably cover? That's more important than the amount you owe which is essentially not that high, a car loan and a small amount of credit card debt.
I would wait for the third child and focus on paying off the debt and saving for a deposit for the next few years. Given you've recently qualified I imagine your financial situation will improve quite a bit? Take the extra you'll make and pay it towards bringing down your debt, focusing on the highest interest rate first.

It depends on what kind of person you are. If you are ok to struggle, then go for it. I say this because there are some people who would prioritize having many children over quality of life/financial security. That is their prerogative. As my moniker suggests, I am not one of those people! But I don't begrudge other people their children.