To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

[Creation]

I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

Mumto1girl3boys that poster probably had 2 children so they think everyone else should have no more than 2 children.

By the way I have 1 girl and 3 boys too.

You are only 31, so you have plenty of time, and you know it. Of course you have love to give to another child, but you have other priorities right now, not least to your existing children and securing a better home and future for them by focusing your energy on getting work, building a career and dealing with your finances.

Forgive me if this sounds glib, but it sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed by the challenges of sorting out work and debt, and so you've fastened on something you are confident about - pregnancy and child-rearing.

I'd focus on money first. There are loads of really motivating blogs and podcasts around - I like Jason Butler and the Mr Money Moustache blogs, personally, but there are plenty around that can help you get psyched about managing money. Good luck. And maybe 5 years down the line, you'll be in a position to have a third child.

How about refocusing that desperation on your existing children having the best life you can give them?

@Mumto1girl3boys 2 children IS enough. Do you not care about overpopulation? What about climate change and all the problems that is going to cause?

People need to be having less children not more and stop making excuses as to why they selfishly brought more than 2 into the world

Op in your other thread you ask about and seem to desperately want to buy a home for your DC?
Surely it would be better to pay off your debts and save for house and then think about another child?
How would you pay for CC for 2/3 DC.
Also is the 7 seater because you have 3 step children?
Seriously you know the answer to this .

@ZaraW private school is an example. Lots of people stick at 1kid/ 2 kids to go on holidays. holidays aren't essential. But some people would rather have more children than go on holidays.

@Devlesko might be better if people who could not afford children did wait until they could!

I agree that none of us know what is round the corner. A good reason I would have thought not to have more than 2. If something happens like illness, death, couple splitting it could be hard enough with 2 children but, obviously, the more you have the harder it is likely to be.

When so many relationships end in divorce/separation, you should think about how you would manage on your own

@lynsey91

I havent made any excuses as to why i brought more than 2 kids into the world? BECAUSE IT HAS ABSOULUTLY FUCK ALL TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE!!

@lynsey91 why not just have 1 child then? 1 is cheaper than 2. If you are left alone, you wouldn't be outnumbered either.

You're only 31, you could have another in 10yrs and financially very different
You may be able to afford it in 4-5 years
Wait 10 years and see

But not many people want this kind of age gap. If you have a 6 and 4 year old, there's no way I'd have wanted another baby when I had a 16 year old! The OP will also be 41 by then...

Personally speaking, even if I was a multi-millionaire I still wouldn't send any of my children to private school.

Why do people keep saying that nobody can afford to have children?

You've detailed your debt but not your income, which is fair enough, but the point is, is your partners wage alone, plus anything you get in the way of child benefit etc, enough to support your current lifestyle and level of debt, and how would that change if you had a third a child? Is their job likely to be at risk due to Covid/impending recession?

Can you not afford it or do you feel you can't justify the additional expense?

If the latter, and your partner is on board, honestly I'd give serious thought to going ahead (and I say this as someone who is a contented only child and chose to have only one child myself).

When my DD was 3.5, I was made redundant. It was about the time we'd have considered having a second child, but we didn't because of my job situation. With hindsight we would have managed and in some ways it would have been an ideal time to have had another - I took 18 months off anyway and although money was tight, we'd had managed.

Neither of us felt strongly enough about having a second child, and we subsequently divorced so it all panned out exactly right for us, but I still think back to that time and kind of wonder why it seemed such a bad idea at the time.

@RainMinusBow and that is your choice. Private school is 1 option as I bought a 2 bed flat in an area with good state schools. Can also send to Jewish school. I like to have all options, which is easier if you only have 1 DC. I value having options. Some people don't value having options. I don't see why we are criticising this woman who wants a third child and quite clearly from her financial situation, values having more children over money.

It would be irresponsible in all circumstances unless we were living centuries ago and the childhood death rate was high or we needed more young people to send to war. Thank God we are not. This country is about to have to claw its way back from the bring of ruin thanks to the size of the support packages for COVID19 and pretty much all of us should be thinking about how we can contribute to that, not bring more kids into the mix that we can't afford. You are very blessed with your two children - enjoy them.

YANBU to want another child. But just think about the reality here. You can’t afford it now, children this age are much cheaper than teens and teens need a lot of emotional support. I thought I’d be more hands off- but really I’m not.
In addition, at some point we are all going to need to help pay back what is currently being paid out by the government: I suspect taxes are going to go up, austerity will be back. As a country, we will need to support a lot of people who have been devastated by this pandemic (and we must absolutely do this), we won’t have extra cash in the system. If you can’t afford it, I wouldn’t want to rely on the system we may need to live with for several years. We all need to take on social responsibility for this.

I have one child as that's all we could afford when she was younger. Then I became a single parent. I would stick with the 2 you have under your circumstances.

You’re not unreasonable to want one. But honestly, if you ask yourself what your kids need more, financial stability or another sibling, you know the answer.

Your situation is precarious and the economy is about to get a bit scary for a lot of us.

Well done for realising you are being unreasonable. Obviously not unreasonable to feel the way you do but for questioning whether it's a good idea to act on those feelings. Shower the two children you have with all the love you have to give and as others have said, wait a few years and try to improve your financial position and if it's possible at a later stage and you still feel the same way then go for it. I wish everyone was as thoughtful as you before bringing new children into the world.

It's not selfish because other people would love 2. It's selfish to your existing children who may not be able to have nice things because they have another sibling their parents can't afford.

Why don't you just wait a while? Get the job you mentioned, you never know in a few years time you may be in a much better financial situation.

Don't put extra strain on your existing family though just because you want something you can't afford.

I can understand the wanting of another child, but you want to give that child and the ones you already have the best possible childhood you can. This is not always possible but when you have the choice I would assume that's what most ppl would wish for.
You sound very much like a project person, who doesn't really think about the consequences and realities of your actions.
you have just passed your studies, don't you want to use your qualifications to get more income into your household as soon as possible and not in a few years time? I also assume you haven't been working due to your studying, whilst I understand it is difficult now, in a few months the economy will have to start moving otherwise we will all be in more financial hardship.

YABU. As for waiting ten years, insanity, lots of people have fertility problems as they age, and there's increasing evidence that conditions like autism, which cannot be detected by birth, increase with parental age.

I'd stick at 2.

Give yourself a year from today. Get through coronavirus, get a job, start paying off those debts. At 32, if it's the right thing to do you can still try.

YANBU to want another but YWBU to have another when you are well aware that you can’t afford it, thus dragging your two existing children down into a life of being skint and having little in the way of financial security.
You say you’ve a lot of love to give and a stable home etc, which would make sense if there was an existing child missing this, but there isn’t. A child you’ve not yet decided to have is simply a musing, not a living being needing a good home.

This is exactly what I think OP.

I know I probably am BU

There is no probably about it. You know perfectly well you are being ridiculously unreasonable. Your post is all about “I want, I want*

Don't have a 3rd. They are sooooo expensive once they become teens - phones, laptops, trainers, designer clothes, food,driving lessons, uni. If you can't afford 3 babies, you'll never be able to afford 3 teens!!

RobertSmithdoesmyhair is spot on. Babies grow into very expensive teenagers, and that is without the mental load that teenagers bring. Does your partner want another?

YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT