To desperately want one more child that I can’t afford?

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I posted recently about our financial situation. Sorry, I’m not sure how to link the other thread.

I have two lovely DC which I am so grateful for. They are 6 and almost 4. I am 31.

Just to summarise, we have £1,500 credit card debt. A £15,000 loan which was mainly to purchase a car (we need 7 seats for reasons which are pretty outing). We have £1,400 in savings (some in a help to buy ISA, the rest in an instant access savings account).
I have just completed my studies and was hoping to find a job soon which is now unlikely. We don’t own our own home.

The thing is, I so desperately want to have another child. I know there are many people who could only dream of having 2 children so I do feel very selfish for feeling this way. I just know I have that love to give to another child, and a happy home which I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up.

I know I probably am BU, but has anyone else felt this way/been in this position?

While I do sympathize, you'd be asking the rest of us to pay for your extra child, when many of us have decided we can't afford to have one. So no, it isn't reasonable.

Wait till you’re 35 and see if you can afford it then

I have 3 children , I don't need to work , we can afford private education for all of them + help them when they leave home with a substantial trust fund ... I would love another child my husband doesn't so I understand that it is difficult when you want another child & I would never begrudge people that need to claim benefits etc as not everyone is as lucky as we are and I don't think you need to be wealthy to have happy children , however if you have substantial debt and 2 children already think of the impact that will make on the quality of life for you and your children , if you have savings you should use that to pay off some of your debt , also if it's your goal to have another baby then aim to pay off your debt first , make a realistic budget and chip away as much as you can each month there are so many helpline ext to give advice to help you with debt such as stepchange that will help you work out a plan with your creditors (I have helped one of my husband's employees and they were brilliant , they had substantial debt and bailiffs knocking , we paid the bailiffs for him and stepchange sorted a manageable debt plan) .. But yabu to bring a baby in to the world that you cannot afford right now as hard as that is , however I do believe that you can get rid off your debt and then have a baby and it won't be as stressful and have a much better quality of life ☺ x

It is not selfish to want another child. It sounds like now is not the best time for you.

You have just qualified so have the possibility of improving your earning potential. You could also significantly improve your finances by managing them better.

Have a look at money saving experts money make over. Make a monthly spending plan. Obviously there is a certain minimum amount of money that everyone needs to survive but managing your money well can make a huge difference.

Wanting another child is a huge motivator to sorting yourself out.

There's nothing wrong with wanting another child, or not earning lots of money and having three kids. As long as you can get by on your wages and are good at budgeting, there isn't a problem. I wouldn't plan to have a third child if I was going to need to rely on benefits of any sort, personally.

However, I do think having a third child when you have as much debt as you do would be short sighted. You're still young- clear the debt and then see where you stand. I'd make a monthly expenditure plan and see where you can cut back, then overpay on the debt to start making a dent in it. If this is something you seriously are considering, you need to start eliminiating the debt now.

Op I had a very similar post on MN a few years ago. Go for it! But you should probably stop at 3!

At 31 you're still really young.

Wait 5 years, you'll still be young and in a far better position to manage the needs of an extra child.

Did the OP come back?

OP, you didn’t give any information about your partner/husband. Does he have a job? Does it pay well? You haven’t said.

She does have age on her side but presumably she wants her children to be young together. Rather than have a 10, 8 and newborn.

Get a puppy

All these posters who had two children because it’s enough for anyone and the right number and the environment blah blah.

The truth is most people have two because they wanted two, usually because they are from a family of two children themselves. It’s nice to be able to pass it off as an ethical choice though.

@Marpan what a idiotic comment 🙄.

I never understand the automatic “teenagers are expensive” responses to threads like these. Maybe if you acquiesce to their every whim, demand or requirement I suppose, but no teenager needs designer trainers or clothes, endless new consoles, expensive hobbies or endless days out or foreign holidays. Neither do they need to be allowed to eat everything in sight. Those stupid “having a child costs £230000” articles are downright bollocks - my husband hasn’t even earnt that much in the last 15 years, let alone had it available to spend x 2 kids.

Why is 2 always the magic number of children? Surely zero children or one child are “enough” or “plenty” too? What about people who have the allowable amount and then lose their job/partner/health? Should they jettison one or both kids to save money?

Having said all that, I think having a third child when you already know yourself you’re not in a good position is just asking for trouble. The OP made it other people’s business by asking for opinions ultimately.

OP I really think mumsnet is the worst place to express your feelings regarding having children and finances, money seems to be the be all and end all on here! Realistically I think your much more likely to regret not having a 3rd baby, than having one. Hope you do what is best for you and your family, try not to get too caught up on the opinions of people on here if it goes against what YOU want

@Cheeseplea3 you think a parenting website with millions of users is a bad place to ask?

PP are not saying OP should have lots of money in order to have another DC, just enough. For food and clothes and basic things like that. Which she doesn't have based on her level of debt.

You're 31. I had my first at 36. Once the Covid fallout has, um, fallen out (could be several years) you and your husband can discuss it again. You'll be 33-34 ish; that isn't old to have a 3rd. Until then, work on clearing your debts and trying to save for a mortgage.

OP our situations are very different, but the feelings and ultimately the sensible outcome are similar. A few years ago I got incredibly broody, I knew it was hormone based and begged my GP to make it go away - they obviously couldn't. I knew it wasn't the right time so I made (with DH) a list of what we needed to do before we could TTC. This took 1-2 years, and as soon as we ticket everything off we TTC. I am now holding my newborn DS in my arms - at a far more established time in my life.

If you have your third, who's to say you won't want a forth. Nature dictates a longing for more children to continue the human race. But as parents we have got to be practical. Don't you want to give your existing children as much as you can afford. They would have to go without if you have more. You may not know it now, but children get so damn expensive once they hit their teens.

The truth is most people have two because they wanted two
That is so not the case. Almost all my friends with two children have thought and wanted a third and all have said no because they couldn't afford them, because they worked and couldn't have afforded another lot of childcare and/or getting a bigger house.

As for saying teenagers don't need a lot, well no they don't, but they might not see it that way. My experience is that the extra I was about to buy my kids did make a difference. It's not about fancy phones, it's about affording for them to go on placements, visit unis, getting some extra lessons when they needed it, helping with driving lessons so they could get it out of the way, and certainly helping to pay their car insurance.

This mean that my eldest has a much cheaper insurance now after 3 years which they can afford to pay themselves and driving means they can do a PT job they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

And of course, it's nice to be able to treat them.

Realistically I think your much more likely to regret not having a 3rd baby, than having one.

I never understand this reasoning. Yes she might feel regret down the line if she doesn’t have a third child, that does not make it the right thing to do now. Regret is part of the human condition,

Maybe if you acquiesce to their every whim, demand or requirement I suppose, but no teenager needs designer trainers or clothes, endless new consoles, expensive hobbies or endless days out or foreign holidays.

No, but what about academic help (tutoring etc) if they need it? What about university?

I know someone who was desperate for number 3 whilst l was desperate for number 2 which never happened. She on the other hand had number 3 but aged 45 now will never own her own home, can't get help with childcare for 3, older 2 much closer in age, has no choice but to work nights and as much as she adores number 3 l think the idea was better than the reality. They don't stay babies for long. Having said that you don't want to regret it when you are older. Hard to advise xx

Maybe if you acquiesce to their every whim, demand or requirement I suppose, but no teenager needs designer trainers or clothes, endless new consoles, expensive hobbies or endless days out or foreign holidays.

Yes, pesky 6 foot teenagers wanting adult sized clothes (more expensive than children's ones as they are bigger and have VAT on) and shoes. Entirely unreasonable of them to want a tablet/laptop so they can do their school work. Or to go on field trips that are an essential part of their exam courses. And definitely don't give them more food (teenagers need as many or more calories than adults).

I'd love a third child and we could afford it.

But for various reasons we're not but the main one being 2 is really enough!

You’re still young. Focus on getting yourself into a position were you can afford another child in a few years.

The urge may have passed by then anyway.

I’m sure someone will be along and say all children need is love

I work in a school. Sadly, I come into contact with many parents who subscribe to the above view and keep having more and more children with no thought to how they're going to provide for them. The resulting children are of course in the vast majority of cases loved and cared for, but they are also often living in overcrowded conditions, coming into school without essential equipment/correct uniform, missing out on school trips and other experiences, deliberately avoiding school on non-uniform days out of embarrassment and acutely aware of being "poor" in comparison to their friends. Parents are often oblivious to the impact on them.