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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:
Monsterjam · 05/05/2020 22:08

There is lots of threads on this at the moment. The general consensus is they do it for love, same as any other relationship I guess in that respect !

Original poster
DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:11

I get that, but you don't love someone the first time you go out with them so why would you go out with or agree to meet someone if you know they are already married or have children?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 05/05/2020 22:13

Stay away from the relationships board then, there is a thread on there where everyone is telling the ow she did nothing wrong!

dayswithaY · 05/05/2020 22:16

I agree with you but you will very soon get lots of people saying that she's not doing anything wrong as he's the one breaking marriage vows not her. Which is bullshit and complete denial but some people live their lives like that.

Home42 · 05/05/2020 22:16

I don’t think most of them advertise their marital status!! 20 years ago I went on 2 dates with a guy from engineering at the place I worked. He was really nice, funny, attractive. He asked me out. I didn’t ask if he was single but I assumed he was .... after all, he asked me on a date so he must be... right?
It was shortly before date 3 that a colleague of his let me know he lives with the mother of his 2 young kids. There was no date 3.

However if I’d met him in a bar rather than at work there’d have been no one to tell me he was attached and I could have ended up as an unwitting affair partner!

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 05/05/2020 22:18

I have never done so but know women who have. Their reasons were a combination of they weren't the ones who made the vows, fancied him/strong connection and wanted to sleep with him, wanted no strings fun and was aware he was never going to leave his wife and she didn't want him to.

Notthetoothfairy · 05/05/2020 22:19

No, I had the chance to but didn’t take it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/05/2020 22:19

Fall in love when you're friends, at work, are an ex, want a casual, no strings fling and think a married guy is safe, there are a million and one ways to fall in love and you can't always choose it. The married person is the one who is supposed to have the loyalty imo, although being the OW isnt great, it isnt as bad as the one who's having the affair.

Lostvoiced · 05/05/2020 22:20

Ugh no that's gross.

I dont understand it either. Especially dont see the appeal in it seeing as you already know the married guy is a cheater! What exactly would be the big draw in a guy who lies and cheats?

Sorry for your friend, OP, but hopefully she will be better off in the long run.
Flowers

dayswithaY · 05/05/2020 22:21

They are both as bad as each other.

JKScot4 · 05/05/2020 22:22

Lots of men lie about wing single/divorced and by the time the woman finds out, she’s mad about him and then believes his nonsense about he’s only tv wee for the kids blah blah.
You only need to look about MN to see threads by gullible, naive women having affairs, excusing abusive behaviour.
Not everyone is savvy and sensible.

JKScot4 · 05/05/2020 22:23
  • there ffs not tv wee
Original poster
DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:23

That's different, Home3 as you were an unwilling party and I hope you weren't hurt too much.

I'm honestly interested in how someone would think it's ok if they knew someone was married. I don't really know why I'm asking because I'm really angry on my friend's behalf and I guess I feel disappointed that someone would be so selfish to potentially destroy other people's lives - as I said before, her husband takes more much of the blame but as a woman, I just couldn't do that to another woman and don't understand anyone that could.

If someone has and feels they've not done anything wrong, then I'd love to know heir thought process.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:24

Sorry Home42

OP posts:
Cosyblanky · 05/05/2020 22:24

Pure animal attraction. Women who have affairs with married men may do it because they don't want to be in a committed relationship. Not every mistress wants their lover to leave his wife after all.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/05/2020 22:26

No I haven't, but when I was in my early twenties I dated a guy for nearly six months before I found out his ex wasn't his ex, no one was married, no DC etc. I was livid and it was over the second I found out. I also told her. Not out of spite and I apologised profusely, she took him back and a month later he was trying to get back with me. I told him to fuck off. I didn't bother telling her again as I assumed it probably want the only time he'd done it and it was her life to live.

HugeAckmansWife · 05/05/2020 22:26

difficult it's not a race to the bottom. Yes the married person is worse but that can be a different thread. This one is about people who knowingly involve themselves in lying, deceitful behaviour that can and usually does cause untold damage to other people, not just the spouse but children and wider family. The usual justification is 'soulmates', 'he's already unhappy' etc. It's so clichéd it's boring and embarrassing and does the betrayed spouse a great deal of harm because inevitably the affair pair try to shift the 'blame'.

OntheWaves40 · 05/05/2020 22:27

I didn’t know he was married until I fell for him, I fell for the lies that he was separated etc.
When I found out I told his wife. I had little empathy for her as I was young and selfish. I did it to screw him over. She believed him, he said I was a infatuated (age gap). No idea what happened after that.

Cookiemonster92 · 05/05/2020 22:27

A friend of a friend was the OW - and she did it because she was/is a selfish, manipulative bitch, always has been always will be. It wasn’t for love, but because she wanted a bit of attention and this man was willing to give it. Some people are all about themselves, and as long as they’re okay, fuck everyone else in their mind. I cannot stand these types of people.

julybaby32 · 05/05/2020 22:28

Home42.
I'm sorry that happened to you. And yes, I think you were quite reasonable to accept without asking him if he was married first!
You had no reason to believe he was a devious piece of scum up until that point and it's insulting to you as well as his wife that he should ask you on a date.

bluestarsatnightfall · 05/05/2020 22:28

Like pp have said not everything is black and white. You don't know what the man said to the OW. She may not of even known he was married.

CherryPavlova · 05/05/2020 22:30

Lack of self control, lack of a moral compass, lack of empathy for other women. Hedonism and selfishness at its worst by both parties.

Original poster
DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:30

Should have said, in this case, she definitely knew he was married with kids (trying not to be too outing) although, sadly, I know it's not that unusual.

OP posts:
Magicpaintbrush · 05/05/2020 22:31

No, and I would never so that to another woman, never. Infidelity causes pain like nothing else on earth and can even leave the betrayed spouse feeling suicidal - there is no way I could do that to somebody.

x2boys · 05/05/2020 22:34

The man is the one in the relationship blame him many many years ago when I was young and single I had a fling with someone who was married ,he did all the running etc not saying I was blameless but I wasent cheating ,he was if hadent been me it would have been and probably was countless others ,if someone intentionally wants to cheat they will