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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:
fallonme · 07/05/2020 18:13

I’m in the middle of an emotional affair with a work colleague. He’s younger than me and long term partnered with children. It was an immediate and quite overwhelming connection and we talked about our feelings within a few weeks. I was absolutely not expecting this to happen at this stage of my life - I had decided I wanted no more relationships as they only complicate life, and I’m temperamentally unsuited to living with anyone. We decided we wouldn’t do anything physical because of his situation and the work aspect (very gossipy workplace) but if it hadn’t been for lockdown I don’t think we would have kept to that. We’re in touch via work and on a personal basis every couple of days. We’re discreet. He hardly ever talks about his home life, and when he does, it’s in a normal, matter-of-fact way. He’s only once mentioned his partner by her name. I don’t know how this is going to pan out.

CatOnLaptop · 07/05/2020 18:38

I think there are many different types of personality who have affairs for a myriad of reasons. Given it's so prevalent I'd go as far as to say it's a fairly natural behaviour. That's not a moral judgement. I'm not saying it's ok because it's natural anymore than I'm saying it's ok to punch someone when you're angry, which is also a natural behaviour but one we try to prevent through socialisation and law.

Truth is that a great many people, in the right 'perfect storm' of circumstances, often find themselves behaving in ways they have previously loudly condemned. It's not just callous predatory types. Good people can behave in shitty ways. Likewise, some pretty evil shits have remained steadfastly faithful!

In my observations I'd say a lot of affairs start because the affair partners make each other feel good about themselves in ways they're not getting from other sources, be that their spouses, their job or whatever. Feeling desired and special is a powerful aphrodisiac and secrecy feeds it. (Which is why so many affairs crumble once they're out in the open.)

From the successful couples Ive known I'd say the secret to affair-proofing a relationship is for both parties to recognise it could happen to them too.

This starts with recognising that long-term romantic/sexual relationships are one of the most conditional relationship types out there and therefore require a lot of input from both to keep them in tip-top condition. This includes a responsibility for each person to be the best person they can be in their own right and not sacrifice everything to the relationship (something women are particularly prone to), while recognising that they have to facilitate this for the other party too (something men can be prone to neglecting). This really helps foster respect for each other, keeps a spark of interest, and promotes a sense of partnership for the areas where the two people come together for to achieve (e.g. parenting). If you get the balance right, it becomes an easy partnership. It shouldn't leave anyone feeling like they're living in a perpetual state of hyper vigilance. Although it does rely on both parties being basically ordinary decent people I guess. Abusive types can't do that.

You also have to recognise the first signs of vulnerability - boredom, particularly - and be very careful who you socialise with or talk to when feeling like that. The first steps to an affair are usually imperceptible - an innocent reply to a text but one that wasn't really necessary, staying longer than needed to help out with something and simply chatting afterwards. It's how emotional affairs start. If you recognise it early you can stop it and it's much easier then than it is when you've gone on a works night out and had a few drinks and that colleague you've been helping out suggests going on to another bar. A lot of people kid themselves they would never cheat but what's the harm in just having an extra drink in the company of a colleague. One turns into a few, inhibitions are lowered and so on. Knowing you could be fallible means you have the awareness and therefore the opportunity walk away before crossing a line.

I think most OW/OM are flawed (as are all of us in different ways) rather than nasty people. I think many cheaters are too, but it's only cheaters who have a responsibility to the betrayed partner in my view. Unless thry also hapown to be a friend/family member etc.

CatOnLaptop · 07/05/2020 18:40

Sorry for typos at end.

boobmoob · 07/05/2020 18:53

completely agree with you @Catonlaptop

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2020 19:05

"I don’t know how this is going to pan out."

Of course you do. You clearly want to have a physical affair with him. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You have as much power in this as he does.

Dogsaremyfavorite · 07/05/2020 20:02

I think your response @CatOnLaptop is bang on!

Probably one of the most sensible responses I’ve ever read on this topic.

LaurieMarlow · 07/05/2020 20:14

Excellent post @CatOnLaptop

MrsBobDylan · 07/05/2020 20:31

One thing that people hardly ever discuss is the effect this has on the kids involved. Having an affair is like having an addiction - it is a distraction to real life, a temporary antidote to ongoing problems. And ime, that means even less time for the kids and not properly engaging in family life.

It's for this reason that I can't view those who have affairs as anything other than self-absorbed and narrow minded.

I would absolutely drop a friend if I found out they were having an affair. I would just think too little of them to want them in my life.

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 21:25

@CatOnLaptop I think you would not be writing similar if cheating was punching someone in the face.

I do get much of your argument, however I do think it is flawed as it at its heart premises that affairs are not such huge, powerful and ultimately abusive acts towards the victim, the unknowing partner.

You also seem to blame both parties for ‘not keeping the flame alive’. Which is victim blaming essentially.

I did not realise myself how devastating affairs are until I was cheated on whilst I was pregnant, and also saw my father cheat on my mother and leave for OW. These have been the single most damaging events in my life leaving long term scars for me and my children. Scars is probably too weak a term. It is like losing limbs.

Trust and security are EVERYTHING. In financial worlds and business, fraud is a very great criminal offence with heavy penalties. Why? Because it is the core of trade and money. It is also the CORE of relationships. And relationships are the core of our lives.

Breaking that trust and security is devastating. Particularly for children.

Much research into infidelity also points to it being mostly men, and not because of lack of a good marriage, but more a sense of entitlement and also attracting women when in powerful positions. To me that is particularly hurtful, to think that women and children are so often discarded when they aren’t as zingy and attractive. It’s a rot in our society and one we could change through our humanity, and integrity.

StayinginSummer · 07/05/2020 21:30

@MrsBobDylan I totally agree. One thing that sickened me was seeing phone bills of my Ex. Every time he looked after our baby when I was out, he’d be texting / sexting OW almost non stop. Hundreds of texts. I just thought my poor baby, having his father nose down in his phone, crying out for attention, care and love, and that being all poured into OW.

JingsMahBucket · 08/05/2020 13:03

@CatOnLaptop I love your post. The way you describe the way people can invest in their relationships and their individual selves really aligns with the way I view relationships.

I feel too many people lose themselves to relationships and their status/nomenclature within one. You see it on here and in real life all the time too. Once people get married they constantly want to define themselves as a “wife” or “husband”. Same thing with becoming parents. How many users on here have some version of the word mum or mother in their usernames?

You’re more than a mother, wife, father or husband or any role. Before all that, you were yourself. Try to keep cultivating that identity of yourself and encourage it in your partner. That’s the reason why the two of you fell in love in the first place anyway. I think the rapid and 100% shift to those familial roles leads to boredom and a strangling of all the interesting parts of your personality. Soon you’ll be wanting to escape the drudgery by looking for some excitement outside your “family role”.

MrsBobDylan · 08/05/2020 15:30

@StayinginSummer I'm sorry for your experiences - when it's a parent having an affair, it's hard not to feel as though they cheated on you too. And I can't imagine how it felt to know that your partner was texting his ow while looking after his baby.

I can't quite get with the 'keep yourself interesting' viewpoint either or your partner will go chasing excitement. If your partner is uninterested, they can leave. They don't need to cheat, lie, deceive and behave like a cock on legs to chase excitement.

And although affairs are prevalent, not everyone is susceptible to them. I do think that people who have affairs are either emotionally a bit screwed or with a massive ego. Or both.

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