To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

@AndSmid how did it go from attraction to actual sex though?

We talked about it.

I met him in a work capacity but he rang me a week or so later and asked me to meet him "for coffee". I asked him straight out if that's what he really meant because married men don't usually ask married women they've only just met "out for coffee". He said no it wasn't, so we arranged to meet "not for coffee".

We were both honest from the start that we were meeting for one thing only and that's all it would ever be.

I (perhaps wrongly) think @AndSmid type of affairs are the most sensible & understandable.
Both married & have stuff to lose, physical connection & need, not interested in a relationship, both know where they stand.

@JingsMahBucket tympanic have you read the full thread. Some posters have talked about this

I have read the full thread and yes some have touched on it. Yet I am none the wiser. Which is why I asked to hear more from those who have been the OW, and later found their lives uprooted by OW.

No I haven't. Why should I be a man's dirty little secret? + shagging him in between him shagging his wife? No thanks, better things to do with my time. I can't actually see what's so important and special about any man that I'd lower myself to that level.

I once went on a 1st date with a guy years ago, he took out photos of his newborn to show me. I was flabbergasted. Asked him if he was married, he said yes. Told him Im not interested, I don't date married men & I definitely wouldn't be up for seeing a man who'd recently become a dad. He seemed so confident that I wouldn't be bothered by any of it. Terrible.

@oochie I disagree, I wouldn't want to be anyone's 'fuck buddy' apart from DH. Why get married if you're just going to fuck other people? It's a bit sordid.

@Megatron I don't think people in general get married to be someone else's FB, however things change. Affairs are painful & damaging but I think that "type" is the least painful. Ideally people wouldn't have affairs but in the real world...

You're probably right @oochie. Still has the potential to hurt other people though doesn't it. People still find out and lives/families are still torn apart for a quick fuck with someone that you don't actually want to be with. I just can't imagine prioritising that over potentially ripping my DCs lives apart. But like you say, in the real world, people do.

Similar to Home42; new chap tagged on to a social circle I was already in. Some were single, some were couples and made no secret of it, this chap gave no indication of having a partner. After a couple of dates, I was becoming rather keen, when someone else inadvertently let slip that he was married, although no children were involved. That was that, as far as I was concerned. You can't stop other people lying; it's up to you what you do when you find out.

When I was 19 I went out with and slept with a married man for a month until I found out from someone that he was married. I didn’t have a clue. As far as I knew he, like me, liver at home with his parents so the dates were always away from our homes and he booked a hotel for us. Fortunately it was only once but that may have been his intention anyway.

A few years later I got involved with someone who had a GF much to my shame. It was just love at first sight for me and I just knew I wanted him. We have been married for 12 years now but it’s not all been smooth because of course he has history of cheating (I wasn’t the only one he slept with while he was with his GF) and it seems it is in his make up to do this so whilst I have no concrete evidence of him cheating, I have had a couple of doubts and I suppose that’s something I will have to live with for getting into bed with a cheater.

I think the woman did her a favour.

Let's imagine a world where no woman will have an affair with a married man. Imagine living with someone who is a cheat and would cheat but they just don't have the opportunity?

I'd rather know, and if any woman is able to "steal" my partner she can keep him.

My dad had a big investment banker job & during the 80s there were constant parties & events we would go to as a family. I used to notice the dynamics between the men & the women, which was often very different at the family events as opposed to the work events. Looking back I can now recognise that a fair few of the men were likely having affairs with younger & more junior females. Those men had probably spun them lines/used their power & never had any intention of leaving their families & it was very much sex/a game whereas I'm sure for some of the naive women involved it was love.

However some women do want to bag a successful partner. I always remember an "aunt" who had a lovely life (big house, holiday homes, etc) telling me that other women will want to take her place & some will do anything to take it. I didn't really understand at the time but when I was older (19) a friend dated a premiership footballer & when we would go out together OMG girls would literally try & sit on his lap, snog him even though my friend was right there. He wasn't remotely famous, my friend broke up with him because she couldn't handle it even though he seemed to not be that type.

Ive never been the OW & would never intend to be & if Dh had an affair it would devastate me. However they are common & do occur so Im "aware" never assume that it couldn't happen to me.

My experiences have also taught me that in most circumstances if I knew someone was being cheated on I wouldn't tell which is very unMNs. Many do know & turn a blind eye & don't want to be forced to confront it. The ones that don't know but then make a go of it generally ostracise the teller as they are a constant reminder of the bad deed.

If there really was such a thing as a “girl code”, 75%+ of the threads on MN would be a lot more understanding and empathetic, rather than being vicious pile-ons to (predominantly) female OPs going through a hard time or seeking help with a tricky situation. Half the posters shouting “girl code, sisterhood, you owe women not to hurt them” on this thread will have behaved like utter vicious cunts to women on others.

We had a couple in our social circle a few years ago- he apparently had a big affair years before and the wife took him back. He was well known for being a bit of a "lad", I genuinely couldn't understand for the life of me why anyone would be interested in him but as I got to know him better I realised he was the biggest liar I have ever come across- I mean like pathological liar. I really didn't like the couple but they were friends of friends so on the occasions we met in the larger group we were pleasant.

Anyway, fast forward and all hell breaks lose as she's found his phone and he's been at it again with more than one woman. She's devastated and contacts all the women to find out whats been going off. I by complete chance know one of the women as an acquaintance and the whole story didn't quite add up because the woman I know would never have gone for this guy in a million years. The wife is on at me to tell me where she lives, I get texts from other friends telling me under no circumstance to tell her because she's already texting threatening to break her legs, set her house on fire etc.

Anyway to cut a VERY long story short the husband had been lying to the woman I knew that he was newly divorced, he met her when he did some work at her house and told her that he was chronically ill- he'd put fake blood clots in tissues that she found around her house (yes really and I could go on and on). She gave him some sympathy and got close to him (emotionally not physically).

The wife became so aggressive with her she had to report her to the Police. Apparently she still shouts "slag" at her if she see's her after 7 years.

And guess what.... they are still together!

So from this story I learnt that some people lie, some OW are not aware they are OW and the term "affair" is not black and white.

In answer to the PP asking how the OW feels when it's her that's cheated on:

I know the answer you want is that karma bit me in the arse, I was miserable, a wreck, my life was shattered etc.
Sorry, it's not like that.
Once you become an OW you realise that you really can't trust anyone at all.

It's almost freeing in a way

I have a friend who is genuinely the most lovely person you could ever meet. She had an affair with a married man In her office - he had a wife and kids out in Surrey. It went in for about 18 months, I think, maybe longer? My friend’s husband had left her for another woman and she had found out this woman was pregnant. Her world was upside down and I think the affair was something to make her feel valued at the time. She never wanted him to leave his wife, I don’t think. I can’t remember exactly how it ended, but I think she just knew it was never going anywhere and moved on. She was just convenient for him. She got on a dating site and was remarried within a year. Still with him ten years later and has two kids now.

I once worked with a man who had another woman who was quite happy to just be “the mistress.” He told me that the night before his wedding, he had been with her and this is what she had agreed to. She had committed to not sleep with anyone else and he would pay her rent.

On his honeymoon (no, I’m not joking) he told his wife about the OW and that he’d slept with her the night before the wedding. She was devastated, but apparently “came round” and agreed to him spending two nights a week with this other woman. The worst thing was, six months into his marriage, he had started another long-term term affair with a girl who was much younger than him. He was about 34 when he told me about all this and she was about 20, but had a baby (not his) very young at 15. This child called him “dad!”

Basically, this man told me all this and, looking back, I think he was coming in to me as well. It was actually quite scary. But the way he presented it all was that he was the victim. The 20 year-old girlfriend had recently told him she was pregnant with his child, so this is why he was “ inviting” in me. Obviously, this was a tad inconvenient for him , what with the wife (who had just been told she would never have kids) and the two-night-a-week mistress. So he had persuaded the girl to have an abortion. Apparently she couldn’t get over this because she was a committed Christian (which is why she had gone through with the pregnancy at 15). She had gone into a depression and he was finding it all very difficult to manage, poor thing. Then it emerged he had also told this whole “woe is me” story to someone else in the office and had gone away for the weekend with her. I swear to god, I could have written a book when I worked at this place.

Thinking about it- I know a couple who have been together over 30 years, he lived with someone when they got together. I didn't know her then and I didn't really think any less of her when she told me the story of how they met she was very sad about it but they have children and grandchildren and are very happy. If she called me and told me he'd left for another woman my response certainly wouldn't be "well that's karma for you".

I think there's probably more relationship that have a less than ideal start than we know about. If you're best friend told you that her relationship of 10 years had started when her DH was still actually in a previous relationship would you really call her scum and never have anything to do with her again?

Sorry “confiding” not “inviting”!

@monkeycats I think your colleague might know my "friend".... scary stuff!

@Boredofbeingathome Thanks for your input. I wasn't hoping for any kind of answer. I've lived long enough to know life doesn't actually follow ideals.

I'm curious though. You say Once you become an OW you realise that you really can't trust anyone at all.

I appreciate this is your experience and everyone is different, but also know a lot of people hold some very strong double standards. Eg. the husband who cheats seemingly without a passing thought yet is devastated to find his wife has enjoyed a bit on the side as well. Pretty sure the women I know who have had affairs with married men would be mind blown if they found they were cheated on themselves.

@tympanic
Sorry, I was being defensive lots of attacks on here!

You're right about the double standards.
Generally the guys want you to only see them, which is hilarious really bearing in mind that you only get them part time.
I've cheated on the cheater too.
I owe them nothing

@AndSmid how would you feel if one of your DC found out about your arrangement?

Actually how would anyone on this thread who is blasé about affairs feel if they found out one of their adult DC had been cheated on? Shrug their shoulders and say “that’s life”?

I have a friend who I recently found out got together with her husband when he was married. She didn't know that at first but when she found out she told him she wanted nothing to do with him while he was still with his wife. She went away for a few weeks with a friend and when she came back he had left his wife and asked her to marry him.

She felt she couldn't say no as he had left his wife. They've been married for almost 20 years now and been fucking miserable for a vast majority of that time. What a mess.

I know of one. She was in her 30s and as I understand it had never had a boyfriend, never been kissed type scenario. He didn’t tell her he was married but the evidence was there in plain sight- wife in his profile pic, he only saw her every few weekends when travelling for work etc- but she preferred not to know as she was so desperate for someone to want her. It came out in due course that he was married and the affair is AFAIK over. He is obviously so much more to blame but I still think she could have broken it off once all the signs were there or at least asked him.

I think a major issue in some but not all affairs is women’s self esteem and how society tells us it’s so important to be desired by men. If we worked more on encouraging confidence and self esteem in girls and teenagers so that no woman felt it was acceptable to be second best just to get a man’s attention for a short time that would surely help.

It's beyond my comprehension. Clearly the other women have no morals.