To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

I think it's disgusting , my friends husband had an affair she took him back OW knew about his wife a 2 children .. Absolutely disgusting and the husband , I could never do that and I always think once a cheat always a cheat what's attractive about a man that would do that to his family? Vile , if your not happy bloody leave! .. This sort of thing makes me so grateful for my husband I know he'd never cheat ! X

I have ashamedly. My only excuse is that I was young, I was 21 and he was 29, I was going through a tough time in life, I fancied him and that was the depth it. We were together (if it can even be called that) for about 9 months and he had told me the night we met that he was married.

It was clear he initially had no intention on acting on his attraction, he said he was married so couldn’t “go down that route” but as the drinks flowed (it was on a night out) it ended with me giving him my number as he was about to go home. I was drunk and stupid.

Nothing had happened between us on the night out, he’d been honest from the start about his wife, and at no point during the night had he asked for my number or hinted he wanted to see again etc - it was all on me. Looking back, I have no idea what was going through my head.

He did call me though and we did embark on an affair. Somehow I managed to completely block out the fact that he was married, his wife was never mentioned and it was like she didn’t exist.

At the 8 month point he told me that he’d fallen in love with me and was planning on telling his wife about us.

Things came crashing down on me then and the severity and harm of what we had been doing hit home and I ended it with him.

In hindsight I probably did love him but the thought of him leaving a wife in order to be with made me feel ashamed and overwhelmed.

As it was, he and his wife parted ways a few years after we’d had the affair and they both remarried. I have no idea whether he ever confessed to her about me but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had.

That's true x2boys but if they want to cheat and no woman is prepared to cheat with them, they they can't can they?

I imagine lots of married people are unfaithful. It isn't the first question you ask everyone is it, "Are you married?"
I suppose if the married person either lies or lies by ommission, often the other person has already fallen for them.
Some women do not care either. If they want someone they will go after them.

I did it, a very long time ago. I was 23, had very recently lost my mum, my dad was away and my brother was serving in Northern Ireland. I fell in love with him (or at least that’s what I thought it was) long before the relationship started. He was a decade older than me, was a senior colleague, and had also lost parents young, and we got talking. He made a move when I’d had a couple of drinks and that was that. It carried on for three or four years, along with promises that he’d leave his wife, but that never happened and eventually I moved cities. He is still married, while I was disowned by most of my family and only made up with my dad on his deathbed.

In answer to your question, I tried not to think about his wife. Other colleagues had disliked her, so I didn’t feel particularly guilty at the time.

What did happen was that he got very controlling - almost by stealth. It wasn’t u TIL I read about emotional abuse and coercive control on Mumsnet that I realised that had happened to me. I got the lovebombing first - almost like being groomed, it feels like now. Then the slagging off of his wife and precious girlfriends. Then kicking off when I went out with my friends. Then alienating me from my family. I’m glad when I got out when I did.

Funnily enough, I do think of his wife more now, over 20 years later. But it’s more about whether he was like that with her too. She didn’t work, was very dependent on him. I’ve no doubt he gaslighted her too, about me. I was a shadow of myself when I got out of it and it took me a long time to find the real “me” again. The worrying thing is that she’s still with him.

Thank you Queen, I appreciate your honesty

Peoples situations are different. Not condoning marital affairs at all, but I knew a woman once who thought it was very clever to get pregnant as quick as she could to get a reluctant man up the aisle. They agreed to get married "for the child's sake" and he went on to have a twenty-year long string of affairs. She spent the twenty years ranting from the rooftops, repeatedly asking the same question you've posed. In reality she'd built her own castle on sand and then wanted to know why the tide kept taking it out...

Hope you're ok now, chockoholic

Not read a single order reply but here’s my two bob bit-

I’ve never had an affair not have any boyfriends/partner/husband ever had an affair but if he did do it then I would blame him 💯

I would think the OW had the morals of an ally cat, however technically she owes me nothing. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t owe me and if she wants to run off with my DH then good luck to her- what goes around comes around and if he can do it to me he can do it to her.

I wouldn’t want want to be friends with her but equally it’s not her that has betrayed me.

My DH would be licked out the house and the divorce papers issued before he could say ‘but but but’

End of

difficultit's not a race to the bottom

I know it's not a race to the bottom, however it's a fact that the OW doesn't owe anything to the wife, the husband does though.

People on here are getting mauled for having a drink on the bottom of someone's driveway, so it'll take a brave soul to admit to knowingly having a full blown affair with a married with children.

I know of women who have shagged the married boss. It has always done their career the world of good.
That is the married man's fault.

You might not owe the wife anything as such, don't we owe it to people to do the right thing? And sleeping with someone in a relationship is not the right thing

Did in my 20s (once) - no regrets. It was short lived and physical relationship. Never felt any guilt re wife but he was serially unfaithful

@DuckyMcDuck yeah but took a long time. Never got married or had kids and now it’s too late, which some could say was karma. The emotional stuff caused a lot of damage - I fell hook, line and sinker as a naive, inexperienced young woman and haven’t really been able to trust a bloke since. So it’s just me, and that’s fine. At 47 I’m pretty content with life most of the time and I think I’m too set in my ways to let anyone else in. I’m not a complete victim - it took two, as the saying goes, but it taught me a long, hard lesson. If I ever had a change of mind, I wouldn’t even date anyone separated or divorced - I just couldn’t deal with it.

I think the ow 'owes it' to the world in general not to be a dick, as do we all. Its called social contract theory.. Societies work by and large because most of us do the right thing most of the time, not because of fear of punishment but because it usually feels right to do the right thing. When someone knowingly continues an affair, they break that contract. It's actually part of the traditional wedding service that the congregation is asked to promise to support the marriage. Back in the day that would have meant most people you were likely to come into contact with promising to help the couple by not sleeping with one of them. It's an implied 'rule' that we owe it to everyone not to deliberately undermine and sabotage their lives.

There used to be a saying ...haven't heard it for a while but back in the day it used to be said ...when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy. If he's done it once what's to stop him doing it again.

I would think that anyone who becomes the 'other woman' then marries the adulterer must be looking over her shoulder a lot. Any time he's late home ...just having a drink with his mates...having a laugh with the child free fun loving woman in the office 10 years younger, chatting at the gym/golf club ...must make her wonder if's he's playing away again. I would think that apart from the obvious wrong doing to the wife sheer self preservation would keep most women away from other women's husbands.

Yes. I was an infatuated 19 year old student, he was 30 and unhappily married with no children. His wife and I were good friends. They had been having marital problems for some time.

He kissed me at a New Year's Eve party, she was also there. It was the best moment of my life up to that point. He knew I fancied him and shortly afterwards, we began an affair which lasted 18 months. I didn’t chase him, he chased me.

Eventually, she found out due to my stupidity and his carelessness. All hell broke loose, as you might imagine.They were at the centre of a group of friends which was destroyed. They split up and divorced. I never saw or spoke to either of them again.

Doesn't sound good, does it? I was young and naive. I honestly never intended to hurt her or break up their marriage, which would have ended anyway. I was a symptom, not the cause.

Do I regret what happened? The truth is that I regret the hurt, but not the relationship. He was the one who made vows to her, not me. I learned my lesson the hard way, got my fingers very badly burned, lost some good friends, have never done anything similar since, and never would again. You live & learn.

No, I have never been out with a man that was married. To the best of my knowledge, some men lie.

I went out with a couple when I was in my early twenties.

Honest answer? I care more about myself than I do somebody I've never met.

It really is that simple.

I had no intention of getting into a relationship. They were both attractive, funny, in "boss" type roles (but never my boss directly) and made a dreary day at work a bit more exciting for a few months.

I'm assuming it won't be a popular answer but it is an honest one.

You'll never get an honest reply from the OW on here, because she'll get completely piled on. So no, you'll never understand it, because no one will be brave enough to admit it - or if they do, it'll be with a load of caveats.

But if the number of threads in relationships are anything to go by, there are a LOT of women out there having affairs with married men. Quite a few years ago there were a few editions of PM presented by Eddie Mair dealing with the discovery and aftermath of an affair. It was dealt with very gently, and looked at both sides equally. It was quite hard listening to it at times, but it did make me reflect on affairs slightly differently. I still wonder what happened to the couple and whether they're still together.

In France it’s almost expected.

Why do men have affairs with married women?

Name change to give my honest as possible reply.
I have, and we're now married.
Why? Not sure I could answer that, i was young, we met at work, became friends and then I fell in love.
I didn't give much thought to his wife at the time as I didn't know her (we actually get on very well now- but she doesn't know we started before they ended)
He left his wife after about 3 months. We've been together since (9 years) and have 2 kids of our own and he has 1 with ex wife.
I would obviously be devastated if he did that to me now. So far he hasn't and we're happy (I know not what you want to hear and probs don't believe but hey ho)
Would I do it again if I could rewind time? Yes. He's my husband and love of my life. I'm happy. We have beautiful children and a wonderful life.
Yes our relationship didn't start in the right circumstances, but sometimes you do just fall in love with the wrong person.
I don't believe people always repeat the same behaviour. I have cheated on previous boyfriend when I was 19- and have never had an inclination to cheat on my husband now.

if they want to cheat and no woman is prepared to cheat with them, they they can't can they?

They can if they don't tell the OW they are cheating. Many times they say they are single or even separated but still living in the family home for stupid reason or other.