Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:
Footywife · 06/05/2020 08:58

@LaurieMarlow My views would be the same....but that's not what this thread was about...

Inferiorbeing · 06/05/2020 09:11

@drcb83 very true actually, makes a lot of sense

LaurieMarlow · 06/05/2020 09:17

My views would be the same.

Really?

So you want to punish the person who doesn’t know you from Adam, to the same degree as the person who knows you intimately, loves you, promised to honour you forever?

I find that staggering tbh.

Horehound · 06/05/2020 09:37

Yes I did. Worked with him and we built a very close relationship. Working together then car sharing. Wasn't happy in my own relationship I guess neither was he, plus the "thrill" of an affair.
Very stupid. I ended it after three months.
People make mistakes.

firstmentat · 06/05/2020 09:48

I did once, but then I do not really believe in monogamy myself or place any significant value on sexual fidelity, and I leave it usually to the other party to make decisions compatible with their value system.
I don't usually have a lot of interest from men, so if a man expresses interest, his married status won't be a massive deterrent as such.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2020 10:13

There's always stoning? We could import that useful and unfair practice and bring that here? I imagine some posters would love it... they could sit and wet themselves watching the OW being stoned - yet their feckless and unfaithful 'husband', forgiven by doormat wife, would get away with it by dint of being a man.

Here's a thought... if men (because let's face it, we only ever focus on OW on this site) - didn't cheat, there would be no OW...

runandhidequick · 06/05/2020 10:29

Also to pp who said OW are right wing- I'm not, I'm actually very left wing. And very empathetic in lots of situations. People make mistakes, all the time. People hurt other people, all the time!

It's mad how OW are actual Satan but no one ever speaks with such contempt for the husband. The one who made the promises and should have had some loyalty to his wife.

Yes I've made some questionable decisions in my life, many of which I regret- who hasn't? I've made decisions whereby the only person I thought of was me. But that doesn't make me scum.

BurneyFanny · 06/05/2020 10:31

In France it’s almost expected

Nonsense.

Polowithoutahole · 06/05/2020 10:33

One of my close friend's husband had an affair with his secretary at work, it went on for months until she found. He spent loads of money on things for the OW, took her away for dirty weekends, gave her a pay rise and promotion etc so I think she was blinded by that. She knew full well he was married though with young children (he had plenty of photos in his office) and when my friend started divorce proceedings he and OW tried to make a relationship work. Within a few months as the money and gifts dried up in a bitter divorce the OW soon dumped him. Now friend's ex barely sees his kids and lives alone in a bachelor flat. He was a dick but got his punishment whereas the OW got off scot free. As far as I'm concerned she, and women like her, are scum. But then, in life some people just are scum.

icedgem85 · 06/05/2020 10:38

Never. I did start falling for someone who was married when I was younger, a work colleague who was always flirting with me. One day he told me he loved me and would leave his wife for me, if I’d be with him. It was a huge instant turn off. What a cowardly man. Also, if I got with him you can bet he’d do the exact same to me once his head was turned again! He wouldn’t leave her until he had my guarantee I’d be with him!! Needless to say, I did not, and he’s still with his wife and probably still cheating / trying to cheat on her.

Caramel78 · 06/05/2020 10:40

I was young and stupid (and selfish). I worked with a 37 year old when I was 18 and everyone in the office fancied him as he was very handsome and charming. When he started showing me attention and texting me I was blindsided by it and didn’t give his wife and kids a second thought. We were sleeping together for a few months before it fizzled out and I got another job elsewhere.

I’m in my 30s now and feel so much guilt about what a cow I was back then. I was immature, naive and selfish at 18 but none of those things are a good enough excuse. I’m not sure if she ever found out as I left the company that year and have had no contact with him in about 13 years. The thought I might have caused destruction and heartbreak to another woman makes me feel physically sick and I think about it regularly

Frannyhy · 06/05/2020 10:42

I know someone who makes a habit out of this. She was with a man for ten years - she knew he was married with children when they started dating. She didn’t tell the wife, she arranged a way for her to find out.

That finished a couple of years ago, her new partner is also married with children. He left his family for her.

The second cheated wife punched her face and broke her noise after she turned up at a family wedding with the man; the mistress pressed charges for assault. The wife now has a criminal record despite appealing and has lost her job due to this.

drcb83 · 06/05/2020 10:43

Sure, I'll bite. So the hubby got his just desserts, so has had his 'scum status' rescinded, whereas his lady-friend has not- so is still scum? Now, what would remove that scum status? Immense amounts of charity work? Becoming a nun? Or is she scum for life based on that one thing?

Reginabambina · 06/05/2020 10:45

Poor self esteem/poor sense of morality in cases where it’s known but I’d imagine many OW are under the impression that the AP is either straightforward single or separated but still living under the same roof.

EmeraldShamrock · 06/05/2020 10:50

I couldn't I don't like sharing on a serious note I owe the wife nothing but morally I would Not do it.
My ex friend always went for married men mainly from work, she was a single parent with eow off. Once after a 3 year affair he finally left his wife. Got kicked out Friend use to leave her long black hair strands in his car or trousers leg knowing his wife was blonde.
Once he left his wife and moved in she didn't want him fulltime.
He crawled back to his wife. It was his 3rd affair his wife was aware of in their 20 years of marriage.
His first was her best friend, they called their DD after this friend only to find out he was fucking her on the side. The wife should have split with him the first time.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/05/2020 10:50

I’m enjoying Ricky Gervais eye rolling

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2020 10:52

She knew full well he was married though with young children (he had plenty of photos in his office) and when my friend started divorce proceedings he and OW tried to make a relationship work. Within a few months as the money and gifts dried up in a bitter divorce the OW soon dumped him. Now friend's ex barely sees his kids and lives alone in a bachelor flat.

The thing with illicit affairs is that they are self fuelling. Once out in the open and subject to the mundanities of every day life they lose the one thing that was keeping them going.

Polowithoutahole · 06/05/2020 10:52

Sure, I'll bite. So the hubby got his just desserts, so has had his 'scum status' rescinded, whereas his lady-friend has not- so is still scum? Now, what would remove that scum status? Immense amounts of charity work? Becoming a nun? Or is she scum for life based on that one thing?

I didn't say he had his scum status rescinded, I still won't give him the time of day and this happened several years ago. There is however a certain level of karma for him in what happened to him since.

As for the OW, she will always be scum in my eyes for what she did to my friend. I couldn't give a shit if she became Mother Teresa in the future, so what. My friend seems to have forgiven her and moved on as she's certainly happier than she was.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/05/2020 10:53

Frannyhy, Assault is unforgivable and I'm glad the OW pressed charges. Did the wife punch and break her husband's nose also? Perhaps the spouters of 'karma is a bitch' need to re-write that daft mantra.

dcrb83, agree - and that's what makes the whole thing a spiteful, venge-filled nonsense.

Polowithoutahole · 06/05/2020 10:53

Hmm bold fail there! Hopefully that still looks alright Confused

Kisskiss · 06/05/2020 10:55

There was a late 20s woman in my office who was carrying on with not one, but TWO different married men.. also from the same office. One had a young baby and the other had 2 kids under 10. It was really gross on all sides...
I think it made her feel good as she was bragging to her friend about how she had two successful men who wanted her. Really selfish and immature.

NerforMuffin · 06/05/2020 10:56

No but I've had a relationship with a married person.

Rumpusinthejungle · 06/05/2020 10:57

I've not had an affair with a married man but have been the OW in a couple of long term relationships, and kissed a married man I worked with.

Reasons I did it? I had very low self esteem. I think I hated myself, and was terrified of rejection, and so by being with someone who was already unavailable i wasnt making myself vulnerable. I was also incredibly selfish and immature. All of this happened between the ages of 17-19. Not excusing my behaviour at all but I was young and incredibly foolish, and I am disgusted with the way I behaved.

I'm now 29 and married with a family, in a loving and faithful marriage. I would be gutted if it happened to me

Megatron · 06/05/2020 11:00

Fall in love when you're friends, at work, are an ex, want a casual, no strings fling and think a married guy is safe, there are a million and one ways to fall in love and you can't always choose it.

This one is always rolled out. No, you may not be able to choose who you fall in love with but you absolutely can choose what you do about it and how you act. 'Oh I couldn't help it' is bullshit.

I fell in love with a married man that I worked with. Nothing ever happened between us but when it became apparent that I actually really did love this man and he was showing me that he wanted to take things further, I left my job (which I loved) and went somewhere else. It was the most horrendous time and I really didn't want to leave but I couldn't work there any longer and knew I had to nip my feelings in the bud right there and then. I would never do that to someone else.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 06/05/2020 11:00

I haven't, but I know of two guys in my social circles who both had affairs with women I knew. In both cases, they were involved with the same kind of hobby groups but their wives weren't and I don't think seemed entirely 'real' to people - they were these hypothetical people we vaguely knew about. I don't think I knew either of the wives names. The women both men had affairs with were much younger, single, no DC and I think didn't really get the magnitude of the whole thing - I think a boyfriend cheating, esp a boyfriend you don't live with or have shared finances with etc doesn't upend your life in the same way.

In both cases the men presented their wives as boring, controlling, nagging, and the marriages as being on the edge of collapse. In one case I think that was true - the H left his W after a couple of months, without the W ever finding out about the affair. OW and he never really got together, but he has since remarried and as far as I'm aware is now very faithful. The other MM is still with his original W. I'm not in touch with him anymore, but I suspect he still has affairs with younger women. It seemed like much more of a pattern of behaviour for him, and he's probably still convincing 20-something girls that he's just trapped in this loveless marriage and needs to find some way of finding himself or something.