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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:

eaglejulesk · 06/05/2020 00:51

Lack of self control, lack of a moral compass, lack of empathy for other women. Hedonism and selfishness at its worst by both parties.

This says it all. Different if they genuinely don't know the man is married, but it seems that is not the case with your friend.

eaglejulesk · 06/05/2020 00:52

Sorry, I meant your friend's predicament.

BillieEilish · 06/05/2020 00:55

Men have affairs to keep their marriage alive. Women do too. Equally. It's just sex.

Long term marriages, it is a fact of life.

But these men and women and their marriages are strong. Love and marriage and children and joint children/wealth/house/life whatever, is worth so much more than the poor woman giving the blow job. A man will not leave a wife for that. (If he is over 50)

I feel sorry for that woman.

NoMoreDickheads · 06/05/2020 00:56

I think couples where one of the partners is married get together because they are attracted to each other and/or like each other. It's not always about sex.

you don't love someone the first time you go out with them so why would you go out with or agree to meet someone if you know they are already married or have children?

This is part of what it boils down to- someone can just rule out seeing married men as an option. If a guy is truly unhappy in his marriage then he can leave his wife before he starts a new relationship.

As to PP's who've said the OW's usually don't know the wives so don't owe them anything, there is such a thing as the 'girl code' and we shouldn't willingly do the dirty on another woman.

I think a lot of OW's think this particular guy is special so they'll do anything to be with him. The reality is that there are plenty of men and no need to fixate on any particular one- especially a married one.

A couple of times I got involved with married men it was for love. One time it was for sex (he claimed he and his wife had a sexless marriage 'lol,' that seems to be the new 'my wife doesn't understand me.) That ended very badly.

I don't think a man who cheats on one wife is necessarily going to cheat in other relationships. It could be an unhappy marriage. But if so, he should leave before he does anything. Even if two people fall in love, they don't have to act on it while one is committed.

Oh and once or twice I had flings with men who had partners. I think I stupidly thought it was some sort of achievement. (!)

The common denominator in the wide variety of experiences is being willing to entertain the idea. Never again.

Cheaperbythetriple · 06/05/2020 01:02

Because it’s a thrill and it’s exciting that a ‘committed’ man would put it all on the line for sex with them. I guess in that regard it’s either a result of low self esteem or very high self esteem and arrogance. Generally one of the two!

Icanflyhigh · 06/05/2020 01:05

I did, a very very long time ago. It ultimately ruined my marriage, but not his. He went back to his wife and stayed again several times. I tried to make things right with my then husband - but the damage was done.

Why did I go there?
Quite simply he filled a void left by my husband's cold attitude towards me, he offered affection and compliments where I was used to criticism and loneliness.

Still no excuse, I shouldn't have gone there and I will never go there again.
When I met my now DP, I was honest and straight about it, I have kids and I knew ExH would look for any opportunity to drop me in it.

I've never been happier than I am.now and I won't do anything to jeopardise it.

I feel sorry for the other man's wife as I was the third or maybe fourth time he cheated that I now know of. They're still together though.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/05/2020 01:07

Because people are complex life is complex some people crave he excitement some the attention some the love

Yes I have. He left his wife he was miserable.

I think far more affairs go than many like to think. And these strong options of the other person or rather the OW I only hear from women I never hear men get so het up about this subject

Is it because deep down we know far more married men are willing to have affairs than married women

Deelish75 · 06/05/2020 01:13

In my early 20's I was single and used to work with a man (same age as me) who was in a long term relationship. There was a mutual attraction there but it was him who chased me and one thing did lead to another one evening, but there was never an affair and I quit my job soon after and moved away - which was always my intention.

I worked with a woman who was having an affair with a married man, she was early 20's he was late 30's. He didn't work with us but we knew him through work. His wife found out and threw him out, so he moved in with my work colleague. On a night out the wife turned up and hit my work colleague. It turned out that the wife had once been the mistress and she had broken up this man's first marriage. From what I got told she completely blamed my work colleague and he was innocent .

And finally a friend of mine was married with a young child and her husband had an affair. They divorced and he married the other woman. Over time my friend moved on and her and the other woman/new wife ended up having an okay relationship. Then he cheated on the new wife and she kicked him out. Strange thing was she phoned my friend upset wanting sympathy. This was a few years ago and friend hasn't heard from either her ex or the wife. (her DC is now an adult so she has no need to have contact with her ex husband)

SnipSnapPop · 06/05/2020 01:16

I had a flirtation with a man who I thought was single. Nothing ever happened other than a LOT of flirting, went on for weeks, mostly by text, until he told me he was married. Once I realized that I ended it, but I was hurt. I can see how if things got physical before I realized the situation that it might have been harder to walk away.

Not that it makes it right, but I can see how it might cloud someone's judgment.

xeniiia · 06/05/2020 01:18

I’ve been the OW once before in my 20s.
Selfishly, what spurred me on was the idea of ‘life’s too short’ and ‘if you died tomorrow, you’d regret having never taken the risk’ etc etc.
It was the knowledge that a man was prepared to put everything on the line because he wanted me. It was risky and it was thrilling and interesting. Like being in a film really.
It was a long time ago now and I ended up staying with the man I had the affair with. I’m not naïve enough to think ‘but I’m different! He’d never cheat on me!’. He might go on to cheat on me but he might not. Alternatively, although I’d never cheat on him, I could never prove to him that I wouldn’t. We’ve been together a long time now and we’ve both grown up a lot and we both regret what happened.

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2020 01:27

What amazes me more is the number of women who have been cheated on who then go on to have affairs with married men.I think those are also common and yet I wonder why?

Actually, I also know a man whose wife had an affair and the first person he slept with was a married woman... q

1forAll74 · 06/05/2020 01:32

As someone has said before, It's animal or sexual chemistry with another person, it happens all the time, and always will do. I have lost count of the many women,who are very adamant,that their partners would in no way cheat,or have an affair, when I know dam well that their partners are cheating,or having affairs.

Noconceptofnormal · 06/05/2020 07:27

I think there's a practical element to a certain extent, when you get to a certain age, late 30s - 40s the 'best' guys are already married / in LTR, there's usually a good reason if someone is single.

If you're the sort of woman who finds older men attractive, who've accrued some wealth, have got a good career etc then that man is likely to already be married.

You can see how it happens, she's looking for someone to spoil her with money and compliments, he's looking for what his wife was 10-15 years ago.

EmbarrassedUser · 06/05/2020 07:43

Many of the OW claim to not even know that their lover had a wife. I’ll be honest, I expect that most OW do find out at some point but there will be some that genuinely never know, how’s it their fault then? I found out I had an older sister about 6 years ago and as soon as she started telling me about her boyfriend I smelled a rat. She’d never met his family, he’d disappear for a week at a time. All the classic signs. About 18 months after we met he finished with my sister to ‘make things work’ with his partner. No kids involved though. My sister was completely oblivious and as she was new in my life I didn’t know how to tell her my suspicions.

carltongirl · 06/05/2020 07:43

Have to be careful demonizing the OW (Fatal Attraction and all that) as the responsibility lies squarely with the cheating man. I hate it and haven't done it,
and have friends devastated by marriages breaking down that way, but generally the world seems to be harsher on OW, many of whom are spun a yarn about the man imminently planning to leave wife... than the bastard himself. I hope I'd never do it but you don't fully know what goes on and certainly lying to OW about the state of the marriage and its near-end seems very common.

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2020 07:50

Fall in love when you're friends, at work, are an ex, want a casual, no strings fling and think a married guy is safe, there are a million and one ways to fall in love and you can't always choose it.

Maybe not but you absolutely can choose what you do about it. “I never meant it to happen” is not an excuse.

drcb83 · 06/05/2020 08:02

Yep, fell in love, for the first time as I did not realise I was not in love with my husband until I met this guy. We were both married but left to be with each other and are still together and blissfully happy. His ex wife hates me - quite rightly - but his kids know all, are great and love me. Is rare it works out but sometimes it does

Footywife · 06/05/2020 08:08

If someone knowingly gets it on with a married man (or a man in a relationship) then they really are scum with the morals of a scrapyard dog. There's absolutely no excuse and all this 'can't help who you fall in love with' is absolute bollocks.

Imo people who cheat should be branded with a bit fat C on their forehead

LaurieMarlow · 06/05/2020 08:16

If someone knowingly gets it on with a married man (or a man in a relationship) then they really are scum with the morals of a scrapyard dog.

Imo people who cheat should be branded with a bit fat C on their forehead

Ok. That’s quite a response.

What do you think should be done to the men who knowingly cheat on their wives, who they see everyday, once professed to love and promised to respect and honour forever in front of all their friends and family?

YouJustDoYou · 06/05/2020 08:18

Well according to the other thread that's running at the moment everyone will cheat given the right circumstances, it's the wife's fault because she ALWAYS knows but chooses to "turn a blind eye", and it's fine because the poor ow has needs too.

SerenDippitty · 06/05/2020 08:23

@drcb83 what about your ex, did things “work out” for him? I sincerely hope so.

drcb83 · 06/05/2020 08:26

@SerenDippitty Yes, he is blissfully happy with his new wife that he also cheated on me with - what a tangled web we weave.
25-30% of men in marriages cheat apparently (US numbers so maybe UK less?) and 15-20% of women....so I assume there are a few single ladies (or gents) in there making up that percentage...

Inferiorbeing · 06/05/2020 08:28

A friend of DP had an affair with a married man who she met at work, she said that they just couldn't help it, he eventually left his wife and married her. But I can't help feeling you would spend your whole life waiting for them to cheat on you

drcb83 · 06/05/2020 08:35

@Inferiorbeing It does occur to me very very rarely...but when you've both cheated to get there....it is occurring to him too I suppose so in a sick way - we are kind of on an even playing field.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/05/2020 08:41

I was young and naive (17) and he told me he was divorced. It was only after 6 months that he told me that he was separated not divorced- by then I had been introduced to his parents, his brother and nieces, his friends - no reason to disbelieve him, he told me he lived with his parents and we spent every Friday night there and I stayed over. I didn't think separated was bad, he was clearly living the life of a single man, and he proposed to me. It was on my 18th birthday when divorce papers came to my house naming me as the co-respondent that I discovered the truth, he had been living a double life. We did move in together, because by that point his wife didn't want him back and I was still in love with him (and engaged). It lasted two years before he left me for someone else but it was a huge relief when he did if I'm honest.

When I met DH a few months later, I wouldn't even go on a date with him until I had seen his divorce papers

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