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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

312 replies

DuckyMcDuck · 05/05/2020 22:05

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/05/2020 23:22

Oh good, another frothy thread.

Has anybody ever said that having an affair was the right thing to do? That the OW/OM has done nothing wrong? I've not seen one response like that. I've seen responses saying that the responsibility is on the spouse to not cheat, that other women (or any women, actually) are not responsible for cheating husbands. .

... and there's no such thing as 'karma'. It's spouted so often and it's such a stupid notion.

There are a lot of people interested in affairs, so many threads about that very taboo subject at the moment. Like catnip!

PippaPegg · 05/05/2020 23:23

My mum did it. As far as I can work out, it was because she had met the wife and thought she was better than the wife. That she deserved him and the wife did not. Something like that. I told her she was disgusting. She got offended. Sure enough it didn't last long as the guy had zero intention of leaving his wife.

No doubt my mum was not the first or last affair he had.

RingaRosie · 05/05/2020 23:25

I have. In my 20s. I don’t really regret anything in my life, though there are things I would have done differently, looking back. But, I’m in the right place now, that’s all that matters.
However, if I could erase just one event from my past, that would be it. Luckily I came to my senses & ditched the guy... Still, I wish it had never happened.

LaurieMarlow · 05/05/2020 23:25

I would think the OW had the morals of an ally cat, however technically she owes me nothing. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t owe me and if she wants to run off with my DH then good luck to her- what goes around comes around and if he can do it to me he can do it to her.

Yes this.

She’s not the one doing the betraying.

It seems that women on here want to focus on the OW’s role, when the H has behaved so much worse.

GoddessOfGettingThereInTheEnd · 05/05/2020 23:29

why does anybody do anything. People can be as rotten as they like, and having an affair with a married man gets labelled ''the worst of the worst'' but I know a few (adult) bullies who swan about, ostracising one victim to make themself feel good. Worse stuff goes on imo.

LaurieMarlow · 05/05/2020 23:30

if they want to cheat and no woman is prepared to cheat with them, they they can't can they?

I believe in people taking responsibility for their own actions. If they cheat, that’s really 100% down to them.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/05/2020 23:30

There's definitely a type of OW. All the ones I know in real life are infinitely selfish and hard faced. Lacking in normal empathy. Without exception have all been right wing too lol.

Weallhavevalidopinions · 05/05/2020 23:35

No way.

I had an 'offer' years ago - no thanks - who wants a cheating scumbag. I have more respect for myself and wouldn't go there.

I really do feel for the person cheated on. Horrible thing to do to someone - shame their partner's cannot be honest but instead sneak around - yuk no standards at all ..... Hopefully the OW/OM will get the same done to them should they move on together - what goes around comes around etc

HugeAckmansWife · 05/05/2020 23:37

That's probably because this thread is asking why some women sleep with married men. It's not asking why married women have affairs or who is more to blame. Bottom line is, when I have to pick my kids up off the emotional floor again when some issue arises related to our split family I absolutely do blame both of them and no reason will ever be good enough to justify what my kids miss from not having their family together.

Lynda07 · 05/05/2020 23:39

Women/girls I've known who've had an affair with a married man are spun a convincing line by the man and they believe it.

I've known a couple of very young, ie teenage, girls who were exploited.

Some men are serial adulterers.

Cautionsharpblade · 05/05/2020 23:40

I wouldn’t say no moral compass, just a different moral compass. I’d judge someone more for a eating a steak than having sex with a married man. You either close your eyes to the hurt you’re causing, or you simply don’t care.

Hunnybears · 05/05/2020 23:40

@LaurieMarlow

I think it’s because the wife often forgives the husband and blaming the OW deflects the blame from him, making it easier to justify forgiving him.

He comes across as the ‘poor misguided, didn’t know what he was doing’ pitiful husband and gets away with it.

If can honestly say hand on heart, if my DH had an affair I would leave him and not ever get back with him. The trust between us is broken. That’s what would kill it for me. So the OW is irrelevant imo.

Mummyshark2019 · 05/05/2020 23:47

I once had a friend who slept with h a married man a few times. I called her out on what she was doing and said it was wrong. She stopped being my friend after that. She is now married. Let's see if her husband cheats on her. Would be a taste of her own medicine.

Paramour66 · 05/05/2020 23:49

I've been an off-and-on OW with the same married man for almost 11 years. I am not single, I am also married.
If you genuinely want to understand why people do this OP, then I suggest reading Joan Bakewell's comments about her affair with Harold Pinter.
For the PP, I am extremely left wing (and my affair partner even more so), so sorry to bust your "only right-wingers commit adultery" narrative. People are complex. You can be good in one area and morally compromised in another.

CatFaceCats · 05/05/2020 23:49

I have - I was young, early 20s and he was mid 30s.
I knew he was married. They had married young because his wife was pregnant.
They even separated, he moved out. Don’t know if she knew he was ‘seeing’ someone else. In the end, we broke up because I always said I wanted children, and he didn’t want any more.
That was over 15 years ago.
I don’t know why I did it, it was completely unforgivable. I’m not going to make any excuses for it either. I was young, stupid and enjoyed the chase i guess.
But, we have remained friends. Not super close, nothing flirty. But enough to keep a track of each other and meet for an occasional coffee.
And I have to say, I have never cheated on anyone, and I would never forgive an affair either.

Battysace123 · 05/05/2020 23:51

My sister has been out with married men and knows they are married before she embarks in a affair. She doesn't give a shit. One left his wife and children to move in with her but quickly realised the grass isn't greener and went back to his wife. My sis has very low self esteem and no self worth, and going out with married men makes her feel good as they must find her more attractive then the wife.

ChangeMeAlready · 05/05/2020 23:51

I had a friend who was involved with a married man. It started at work, she was 24, he was 43 and very married. She was young and naive. Did not know he was married and did not find out for 2 whole years, by the time she was hopelessly in love, he was telling her all the right things, and it went on for another 5 years. Not sure what he was telling his wife, but he used to spend every single friday night at hers. I was sharing flat with that girl then, and tried to talk to her, but, as I said, she was hopelessly in love with him. She just wouldn't see anything wrong with her actions- it was, according to her, something beyond common understanding. The affair fizzled out eventually. Not sure what has happened, as I have moved out of the shared flat and lost touch with my friend.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/05/2020 23:53

Because people are selfish.

Bowerbird5 · 05/05/2020 23:53

When I was 18 a guy I knew made a pass at me/asked me out and I knew they were separated and considered it then discovered that they were trying to get back together( at least I think she was) and she turned up to where we were staying. We were away with other people on a sports weekend taking part. Once I found that out I told him straight when he asked me out. I can’t understand why anyone would knowingly do that to another woman. I’m with you OP I can’t understand why any woman would do that and I have been on the receiving end. I thought she must be a right bitch. She went on to ruin someone’s marriage.

hayleykee · 05/05/2020 23:55

I’ve been in a situation where a relationship has literally JUST ended - we met, and 15 years later we are happy and love each other - however - I didn’t know he had just ended with someone, nor did I know they had a child, why would I ? You meet, you get on and have a few dates - the someone got wind of us, and then drama started, he wasn’t allowed to see his child, I got nasty calls etc - so vile - even now she is convinced we were together behind her back - we never were, if we were I’d have ended at the second I knew x

StayinginSummer · 06/05/2020 00:02

Infidelity causes pain like nothing else on earth and can even leave the betrayed spouse feeling suicidal - there is no way I could do that to somebody.

No amount of excuses from a married man or OW can take away the raw utter betrayal. It’s abuse in my book. Both are to blame. So just don’t do it.

emilybrontescorsett · 06/05/2020 00:02

I used to work with a woman who was having an affair with a married man. He was a lot older than her. His wife was deeply religious and they had several children. He got the ow pregnant. She was completely obsessed with him, talked about him constantly. Then she discovered he was also seeing another young woman and she went mental. It always puzzled me why she was so shocked. I stopped working at the same place so I have no idea whatever happened, my guess is he stayed married.

converseandjeans · 06/05/2020 00:08

I can't fathom why a younger girl of say 26/27 would find a man 10 years older with a couple of little kids attractive?
It's quite common for men to play away when the kids are little though isn't it? They're not getting enough attention in their eyes. Bit sad all round.

StayinginSummer · 06/05/2020 00:23

@emilybrontescorsett I know I think the problem with many affairs as they are built on lies and ego.

Nothing to do with love or genuine connections.

My Ex had flings with women, who all thought they were special. All thought this poor man trapped and that I was awful etc. Very very destructive as most of them unquestioning believed his version, told him he was better than me etc and it was like an awful feedback loop, he became convinced he was just this poor guy and me some awful person. As otherwise why would he be doing something as awful as affairs?

The OW, felt sexy and wanted. And crucially felt that they were better than me. Affairs are always a comparison.

I warrant none of them had a clue how many women he was seeing, all at the same time. He fed their ego. They fed his. They would be horrified to know how many women he was calling every day, and that they were really such a small part of his life. He genuinely told me he couldn’t remember most of their names.

A really awful business affairs. It turned my Ex into a diminished selfish version of himself. It probably turned the women into the same.

Justaboy · 06/05/2020 00:42

Why does anyone bother?,

Let it be that matey can go see his mistrress, bit on the side, other woman, like their supposed to do in that "Cinq à sept" arragement in Paris.

There all sorted;!!!