To ask if you've had an affair with a married man

[DuckyMcDuck]

How you could do that?

A friend has just found out her husband has been having an affair. They have 2 young children and she's devastated. Usually, I'd be able to go and be with her but obviously not possible at the moment.

Now, I know it takes two and all that (and don't excuse him in any way at all) but as a woman, I honestly don't understand why anyone would get involved with a man who is already married and a father and I would genuinely be interested in why someone would do that.

I never have but several of my friends have. It starts with love - well at least lust. Never underestimate the power of attraction and hormones which can completely overwhelm someone make it very difficult to resist temptation. It's easy when your in throes of lust to feel you're in love and to actually fall in love. The men always tell them the same thing - their marriage is dead, they're together for the children, they're not in love with their wives, they don't have sex etc. Also my friends have found that most men their age are already married/living with someone so most men they meet will be married. I do think it's wrong to have an affair with a married man but the responsibility must lie with the men. They are the ones who have made a commitment to their wives.

Kisskiss Gross yes, but all your emphasis is on her, not them, the two men who were married. OW needed a better friend than the one she had.

I do think it's wrong to have an affair with a married man but the responsibility must lie with the men. They are the ones who have made a commitment to their wives..

This, this, this.

I am so appalled by the misogynistic society that seeks to blame the OW to a similar or greater degree than the man who made a public vow of commitment.

I will say that I’ve been tempted - had a couple of strong mutual attractions over my working life - but never acted on them and very glad I didn’t.

I do think it's wrong to have an affair with a married man but the responsibility must lie with the men. They are the ones who have made a commitment to their wives Definitely this. I wouldn't assume he was to weak to avoid the temptation.
He would be punched and dumped.
If the O.W was my friend or family and knew me she'd get a slap too.
If she'd no idea that is different.

I’ve done it, and had an affair when married.

It’s life, it happens, doesn’t mean you are evil.

I met someone many years ago and it was an instant click, the attraction was so strong and we connected on a intellectual and spiritual level too. The only problem was that his parents had decided they had waited long enough to find a partner and arranged his marriage, he was 2 weeks away from getting married. The shame that would have occurred if he called off the wedding was too much and we resided to being each others 'one that got away'. Fast forward 10 years and we bumped into each other again, we agreed to go out for a drink. He was very unhappy in his marriage and even though the click was instant again I told him I needed to walk away as I would not be the cause of his 2 young children being caught up in a mess. We parted ways again. It does make me wonder how anyone can engage in a relationship with a married person.

He would be punched and dumped

Really?

I never have but several of my friends have. It starts with love - well at least lust. Never underestimate the power of attraction and hormones which can completely overwhelm someone make it very difficult to resist temptation.

This is bullshit. It's like an excerpt from Jackie magazine in 1983.

People who have affairs with married people are twats. Married people who have affairs are even bigger twats. Some people will always make excuses for poor choices and behaviour.

*I’ve done it, and had an affair when married.

It’s life, it happens, doesn’t mean you are evil.*

Doesn’t mean you’re a particularly nice person either.

Exactly, just say no ffs

He would be punched and dumped.
If the O.W was my friend or family and knew me she'd get a slap too.

Couldn't you just dump without punching either if them @EmeraldShamrock?

@Megatron I'm sorry but it's not bullshit. My friends who had affairs were head over heels for these men. They were fed a lot of bullshit about how unhappy the marriages were and how in love the men were with them. They believed the men would leave their wives. My friends weren't evil bitches, they genuinely had very strong feelings for the men. I do think it was immoral for them to enter these relationships (more immoral for the men to do it of course). I admit I was quite judgemental when they had these affairs. However it's certainly not bullshit to say they fell in love!

It’s not bullshit to say they fell in love. It s bullshit to suggest they were not responsible for their actions after doing so.

@SallyWD I didn't say it was bullshit that they fell in love. It is bullshit to think that that's what it starts with. This notion that people can't help how they behave because they're in love is just such a cop out to excuse really awful behaviour. I can't believe anyone would think otherwise to be honest. It's inexcusable.

I've been the OW, please be nice as i know it was a stupid thing to do. I am not posting for sympathy, just to give you another perspective.

I got into a relationship with a guy who I later found out was engaged. He fed me loads of lies that there were problems in the relationship and that they weren't having sex. That he didn't have the connection with her that we had.
We had a really amazing connection, the sex was amazing and I was in an incredibly bad place at the time, he made me feel amazing about myself and for most part I felt like he wanted to help me with some of the bad stuff I had going on in my life (which he did to some extent). I had bad MH issues and whilst I knew what I was doing was wrong, I didn't care. (this was a time when I was behaving very recklessly, sleeping with total strangers and generally being very unsafe)
He would flaunt what we were doing almost as though he wanted to get caught.
On a night out with my friends he turned up and drank with us like nothing was wrong and was open about the fact the his Fiance was waiting for him at home.
Then after a while I found out that his Fiance was pregnant and I realised most of what he had been telling me was lies, he fully intended to go ahead with the wedding and I realised there was no future for us. So it ended. He is still with her, married, with a house full of kids. I am hoping that he got whatever it was that he needed to out of his system and he is now a faithful husband.
I was very young, foolish and I would never do it again. It often feels like I created a lot of bad karma by engaging in such behaviour and for a long time after lots of awful things happened to me.......feels like punishment for my abhorrent behaviour.
There is never an excuse for engaging in an affair but there are always reasons for why it happened. Hindsight and growing up has taught me a lot.

Donning hard hat to say I have. There's no excuse but there are a lot of complex reasons I seek out inappropriate men, one being married, others being emotionally unavailable/abusive.

I've had as much talking therapy the NHS will allow, but at 40 I'm now resolved to stay single because even though I can recognise the unhealthy patterns, I can't seem to break them.

Sorry that's a lot about "me". Needless to say I totally understand what I did was wrong, I'm ashamed but I can't change it.

Couldn't you just dump without punching either if them
No I don't think so. I'd like to share some pain with them.

What I'm equally discombobulated by is the fact that women are always, consistently, inevitably held primarily responsible for the behaviour of men. Because the poor darlings can't help themselves, right?

Women, on the other hand, should show more self-control and restraint, because there's some bizarre, underlying misconception than men are sexually incontinent while women don't have the same overpowering feelings, desires, and straight-up enjoyment of sex as they do.

Bunkum.

It's not only OW in the case of affairs, either. Anyone who's ever been a victim of sexual assault, abuse or misconduct will know that society would far rather believe that men couldn't possibly be capable of such behaviour (although the stats bear out the overwhelming opposite), therefore it must be the women who are lying. And even if they are telling the truth, they should stay silent so that society at large feels more comfortable. Anyone who is in any doubt of this should just take a look at the general tone of social media responses to #MeToo.

God forbid anyone places the blame where it actually belongs: with the men responsible.

... and the criminal record will be all yours, EmeraldShamrock, all to yourself. The fact that you would get one should tell you that your compass is a bit 'wonky' also.

Some people think they can hit out, for any reason, and I'd press charges on the thugs.

Yes I have - twice when I was young. I'm now in my 50's.

First time I was a teenager and I think I was groomed. Second time I was 20 and fell in love with a colleague a similar age (no kids).

Both probably arose from very low self
esteem and not thinking anyone would actually want an exclusive relationship with me.

I have now been with my husband for about 25 years, frankly if he cheated I would blame myself for making him so unhappy he looked elsewhere.

I think male cheaters fall into two categories on the whole. Those who basically cannot keep their pants zipped and those who are in unhappy relationships.

Thing is,I’m not so sure that this hatred of people having affairs or OW is as prevalent in RL as it is on here.

I certainly know people who have had affairs or been the other person in an affair and while people do talk about them in a somewhat disapproving tone behind their backs, I’ve never come across people who have actively dumped friends or disowned family members for having been complicit in an affair.

Actually, I do know someone who cut off their son for a while, but most people around them kept telling them that he would always be their son whereas their ex DIL would move on and would unlikely have any more to do with them after that. And that’s exactly what happened and they’re back in contact with their DS who still lives with the woman he left for and they have a baby together. Ultimately he is their child, and his children are their grandchildren. For the most part this idea of cutting people out of your life because of one affair just isn’t the reality.

When I was young I fell for a bloke in college. We were the same age, had a lot in common,I think that he would have gone for me too but I didn’t even bring up the conversation. However friends of mine did, and these were older people, saying that I should just make my move because he was only engaged and not married yet so if I’d managed to seduce him then I would have won and he didn’t really have anything to lose. I didn’t go there....

But I do think that affairs aren’t always black and white. And while many people telling the AP that their lives are unhappy are lying,the fact that in some cases this really is the case means that most will still believe them when that’s what they’re told.

I feel so jealous of all the people on here whom life is so black and white for them

Yes, perfectly nice people do have affairs.

And there is never any excuse for domestic abuse.

I also think it has a lot to do with values. I was brought up watching both my parents cheat so kind of thought that was ok.

I have been with my current husband for 10 years and I would never cheat on him.

My best friend was having an affair with her now DH of 10 years before he left his wife. Marriage was over long before he left but he stayed for the sake of their son...my friend gave him the kick up the bum he needed to leave and l truly believe he would never do it to her, he was with the wrong person before. So hard to say if l disagree cos it depends if the guy is just doing it for a bit on the side then yes that is totally wrong but if he is genuinely unhappy and wants out - then l kind of get it although when l found my ex was cheating in me my first reaction was he should have said he didn't want to be with me and we could have parted ways - didn't need to humiliate me by doing that.