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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:
BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:34

Ps nothing to do with my SC, they are lovely little things who I care for very much but I'm sick of being the parent because he cba.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/05/2020 17:35

I feel the steam emitting from your ears. Time for a family meeting I think.

helpmum2003 · 02/05/2020 17:38

Why did his relationship with their mother break down?

I'm not surprised you're fed up...

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:38

It really is mischance. I don't feel a family meeting will make any difference though right now. I honestly feel like the only thing that will is me going on strike essentially.

If it was left to him his kids would sit in their pyjamas all day playing games not having brushed teeth or anything. I'm the only one who makes any fucking effort with them. Which is fine but when shit like this is thrown in my face I just think well fuck you then, why should I care if he doesn't?

OP posts:
june2007 · 02/05/2020 17:39

Think you both need to calm down and figure out a way to share out responsabilities.

AuditAngel · 02/05/2020 17:42

My husband is feeling hard done by too. He has been furloughed, whilst i am still working full time from home. I am also the teacher for our DC as he doesn’t have a lot of formal education.

He is doing the meals, and some cleaning. I am getting the 3DC to do most of the dishwasher chores, and I am dealing* with some cleaning and most laundry. We are sharing the shopping.

But, he is getting plenty of free time for himself, certainly more than I am.

You need to talk to him, but he may not want to listen.

TheMandalorian · 02/05/2020 17:43

Well you know why his first wife left him. What a total loser of a man. I feel sorry for the kids. Can you speak to their mum? Send them to her. Not fair at all on the kids.
I'd be dumping his lazy ass.

LovingLola · 02/05/2020 17:44

Does their mother know the situation?

WickedlyPetite · 02/05/2020 17:45

On the plus side, this perfect display of his shitty non-parenting skills must surely mean you aren't going to have children with him, right?

RandomMess · 02/05/2020 17:45

Not sure how you have been doing nothing all week when looking after and homeschooling his DC....

What bullshit excuse has he given for the end of previous relationships...

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:46

Thing is, he's not lazy. He makes so much effort for his work but just none for us basically. He'll say the business is 'for us' which is all well and good but we're here now. It's no good being absent essentially all of the time.

He thinks working is a free pass to do absolutely nothing else because he's tired. Well boo fucking hoo, he's got kids. He should be doing more for/with them not just ditching that responsibility onto me because it's easier.

He forgets that if I weren't here picking up the slack at home, he wouldn't be able to do what he does.

OP posts:
Adelais · 02/05/2020 17:47

I don’t blame you at all, sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you. Do the kids live with you? How often do they see their mum?

Sodamncold · 02/05/2020 17:47

How old are the children?
If old enough, explain what and why you’re doing this gently ie to encourage their father to get more involved with family life
Don’t just down tools without an explanation to them

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:48

Random, I've not been homeschooling them tbf. They are with their mum most of the week but on the couple of days which he's supposed to have had them, I've been looking after them so he can work.

The other days I've been helping him with his business.

I don't mind doing this stuff but it's quite clearly not appreciated so why should I?

OP posts:
LovingLola · 02/05/2020 17:50

What’s your housing situation?

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:50

We usually have days a week with kids. They are just under 10.

I've no idea if their mum knows. I get on with her okay but we don't really talk properly. Mainly just polite chit chat at pick up.

OP posts:
BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:51

3 days a week**

OP posts:
CaptainButtock · 02/05/2020 17:51

This lockdown sure is driving all the wankers into open ground...

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:51

Mortgage in joint names.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:51

He forgets that if I weren't here picking up the slack at home, he wouldn't be able to do what he does.

Remind him.

Then show him, by leaving. For a decent amount of time. It really is the only way to get these kind of things sorted. But, be warned... a lot of the time, the way the sorting happens is that you leave, and see him for what he is - a user.

Too many men draft in a woman asap once they split from their childrens' mother... no prizes for guessing why.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:52

Could you go anywhere? For the next month or so - parents?

I mean, if you do nothing - then it won't make a difference to him will it?

RandomMess · 02/05/2020 17:53

He's talking utter bullshit he is laying working as an excuse to opt out.

His attitude towards you and his DC stinks!

I am now WFH and I am finding it more tiring but I am doing more at home than usual as I am no longer doing taxi runs for the DC. So more housework, playing family board games 😬, long walks for Ddog.

lunar1 · 02/05/2020 17:54

Fucking hell, does he have any positives?

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:54

It's hard to have this conversation now we kids are here and I don't want them overhearing and thinking it's anything to do with them because it's not. I just want him to step up with his own kids. I wouldn't mind helping out if it felt like helping and not duty iyswim.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/05/2020 17:55

Don't have the conversation.

Smile and pack and say you're needed at your mum's for a couple of weeks.

And go. Then it can all be said on the phone.