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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 02/05/2020 18:52

As pp said it's meant to be their time with their dad - yet again the father is using his partner as the babysitter. I hate it when the guy comes home from work or whatever and sits on his arse either watching tv/playing xbox/doing his shitty hobby whilst he ignores his family. That's not how it works. That's not how being a part of a family works. You are not paid employees of his, or flat mates, you are all his family but he's treating you all like mugs.

YouJustDoYou · 02/05/2020 18:55

Good for you 're the pizza! He treats you like the nanny so, assuming nannies eat on their own you're just doing as expected :) Enjoy it!!

violetbunny · 02/05/2020 18:55

YANBU at all OP. This gives me the rage. In fact I would leave him to it as much as you possibly can for the foreseeable. Do not be guilted into helping him out. I wouldn't be surprised at all if this is why he split up form their mum in the first place.

TwentyViginti · 02/05/2020 18:55

Too many men draft in a woman asap once they split from their childrens' mother... no prizes for guessing why.

Yes. A free nanny/housekeeper with benefits.

tenterden · 02/05/2020 18:57

YANBU

I had all this shit with XH. I loved DSD but ALL the work fell to me. As well as all the domestic stuff, I took her swimming, I took her horse riding, I took her sailing. XH was to busy in the fucking pub working to spend any quality time with either her or me.

I have two friends who got sucked into similar relationships where the kids father just wanted childcare.

It's really hard in lockdown as you can't just make yourself scarce.

Enjoy your pizza and maybe take to your bed for the rest of the weekend. Tell the children you have a cold.

Looking forwards, serious conversation required.

Kraejka · 02/05/2020 18:58

This guy gets the prize for lazy prick and shit Dad of the day.

You're not working and he is so I think you should be doing the lion's share of the chores and that does include some of those relating to his children's needs. However, he should be doing a lot of the care of his children and he should be doing the bulk of the entertaining. It shouldn't be up to you to take them out for a walk while he sits on the sofa doing fuck all.

Time for a serious discussion with him. If the 3 days a week they are there aren't suitable because he's working all the time then maybe the days could be changed or he could change his working pattern so he is able to spend time with him.

If he won't shape up at all I'd basically strike and not doing anything for him - no washing for him, no meals, no shopping for him etcetc.

Original poster
BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 19:01

You're not working and he is so I think you should be doing the lion's share of the chores and that does include some of those relating to his children's needs

I do agree but not when it's completely unappreciated. And it's not an excuse to do literally nothing i.e. helping me to unpack some shopping on a Saturday afternoon. It was like this long before I was furloughed. That's just given him more ammunition for doing nothing.

If what I'm doing isn't enough then he can do it himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 19:01

Sorry that sounds like I'm having a go! Didn't mean to sound like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 19:02

He's just come up and said tea will be ready in 10 mins all chirpy. So I just said 'no thank you' and put my head phones back in.

OP posts:
Kraejka · 02/05/2020 19:04

Sorry that sounds like I'm having a go! Didn't mean to sound like that.
No and I wasn't having a go at you either.
He's a lazy prick and he needs to shape up or ship out.
And I'm someone who had two lazy prick boyfriends so I know what I'm talking about! (thankfully no step kids because if they were I'm damn sure I'd have been doing the bulk of the care too).

MashedPotatoBrainz · 02/05/2020 19:10

Have you ordered your pizza?

Gazelda · 02/05/2020 19:10

He's just come up and said tea will be ready in 10 mins all chirpy. So I just said 'no thank you' and put my head phones back in.

Perfect!

Darbs76 · 02/05/2020 19:26

You need to tell him what you’ve told us, how sad it is his kids will remember him doing nothing and you doing it all. Lovely you get on with them but they are his kids and he needs a big kick up the backside. Don’t give in, this man needs telling

ChikiTIKI · 02/05/2020 19:34

What pizza are you going to order 😀 are you going to get any extras to go with it? Place near my parents does dough balls and a bowl of Nutella ❤️

Candyfloss99 · 02/05/2020 19:34

If you can leave for a while so that and he'll soon realise all you do. When his kids are there they are his responsibility not yours. Anything you do for them is a bonus. He needs to realise this.

MinnieMountain · 02/05/2020 19:44

That's always the saddest thing for me to see on here- parents who don't actually want to spend time with their DC. Why bother to have them then?

DH is working FT, whilst I have been furloughed. He still spends time with DS before he starts work and does his share of bedtime during the week.

Who did the childcare during lockdown before you were furloughed OP?

madcatladyforever · 02/05/2020 19:46

Don't me made to feel guilty, they are NOT your kids and not your responsibility.

TinRoofRusty · 02/05/2020 19:56

Why did his relationship with their mother break down?

Let's hazard a guess! Same reason why 9 out of 10 of these men who have kids' relationships breakdown: they are sexist manchildren who truly belief childcare, domestic work and lifework are what women are for.

They then move on to find yet another doormat to wipe their feet on (and maybe get another kid or two) until the scales fall from her eyes and she gets rid. He just rinses and repeats.

Her furlough has nothing to do with it because in the OP she says she was doing it all even before that.

You want him to step up? Yes, I want to be a size 6 and a multi-millionaire, there's a greater chance of that happening that this person ever changing because, by your own admission, he's always been like this.

Have a child with him and you'll be the Maid of All Work for that child, too.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 02/05/2020 19:57

DH and I were having a conversation about a year ago, he is two years from retirement, and said when he retires he wants to buy me a diamond tennis bracelet, I say this not to brag.

When I said why are you doing that ?

He said because I couldn't have worked (away a lot) since DS was born and basically I couldn't have done it without you.

I organise our holidays, car parking, driver at the other end etc.,

When we have checked in and sit down in the bar, he always makes the first toast to me, and reminds DS that they would be on Sh*t without me in the driving seat.

That is what every man should be acknowledging of their wives and partners (gifts aside.)

langdale2016 · 02/05/2020 19:57

You sound like such a caring, lovely person. He is very lucky to have you. You need to have some time on your own. Can you get up early tomorrow and visit your parents/siblings for the day (social distancing - of course) and fill up some more time by walking by yourself for and a couple of hours? By not being in the house for most of the day, he will begin to get some idea what you do. Keep repeating this until he's willing to share responsibilities.

TinRoofRusty · 02/05/2020 19:57

Sorry, forgot quotations:
Why did his relationship with their mother break down?

FinnsLeftSpoon · 02/05/2020 20:18

You sound like a brilliant stepmother.

OlivejuiceU2 · 02/05/2020 20:54

Good for you OP!

billy1966 · 02/05/2020 22:32

Another step mother being taken for granted and totally feeling on MN that she has to defend herself.

Unbelievable.

OP, you are completely in the right.
You are a total mug.

Your husband is a selfish twat.

I completely believe, because of what I read on MN that men seek out MUG's to mind their children

Down tools.
Do absolutely NOTHING.

He has made a complete fool of you.

The children sound lovely but he has made a skivvy out of you.

Why would you allow this?.

Your regard for these lovely children is clear.

But they are NOT your sole responsibility.

He knows this bloody well.
But he thinks you're a MUG.

I would get out of there and go ANYWHERE to make the point that they are
HiS children.

You sound so great OP.
Protect yourself.Flowers

SpilltheTea · 02/05/2020 23:03

I wouldn't be doing anything for him anymore. I can't believe he's come in acting like nothing has happened. On the plus side, you sound like a really wonderful stepmum.

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