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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:25

Why do you feel you've accepted the role of nanny come skivvy so easily?

I've no idea tbh. I didn't even realise it was happening until it did as stupid as that sounds.

I've always just felt guilty because he works so much so feel like I should do it.

And in truth, I don't mind some things like cooking tea, taking DC to school or having them the odd day so he can work, if it's appreciated. But what I can't stand is the ungratefulness that I'm essentially doing his job and the sarky comments as if I'm not doing enough.

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 02/05/2020 18:28

Fuck that shit. Don’t let guilt about his kids mean he can take advantage of you. Dig your heels in and make the lazy arse do some parenting for once.

Devlesko · 02/05/2020 18:28

I don't blame you at all.
Oh, and kids can be quite resilient, they'll be fine, your h needs some tough love.
Maybe you can see why the first mrs, threw in the towel.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/05/2020 18:29

It's very rad to drift into situations especially if you're a kind person
But now you see how things are, it will be better for the children and you, if you take a large step back and let him experience the joys of parenthood

picklemewalnuts · 02/05/2020 18:30

"Said you can't sort your kids out for once. "
Bee, can I suggest calling them 'the kids' rather than 'your kids'? I know it matters, and this isn't a criticism of you, it's more that he'll deflect this onto you as being about you not liking/resenting the kids and that isn't it at all!

Ohtherewearethen · 02/05/2020 18:32

I honestly think that we make it look easy and just get shit done without making everybody in the house know that we're doing it (unlike some men who want a badge for putting their own cup in the dishwasher). The trouble with this is that it's just expected then. Plus more and more on top. There's always an excuse - he works more hours, he earns more money, he says I'm better at it, he doesn't notice mess, etc. The fact is he just doesn't want to do the shit bits. But neither do we, we're just grown up enough to know that it needs to get done.
Your husband definitely needs a kick up the arse and not just today as he will just assume you're sulking. Make it last a week, let him see what goes in to meal and snack planning, shopping, washing, drying, ironing and putting away, what goes in which bin and when they need to be taken out, emptying the dishwasher, entertaining the children, making sure they wash their hands and brush their teeth, cooking meals everybody will eat, cleaning up afterwards, changing the beds, dusting, hoovering, mopping, etc. He will soon learn that being at home is more than the full time hours he puts in at work.

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:32

Pickle, tbh I usually always refer to them as 'the kids'.

Rightly or wrongly I probably said your kids on purpose to make a point that they are, in fact, his children and he barely does jack shit for them.

I'll never ever accept any accusation from him that I resent the kids anyway. I'm very confident that the kids know this is absolutely not the case, they know I love them.

OP posts:

Teateaandmoretea · 02/05/2020 18:34

It sounds to me from your posts like you possibly like the children more than him

madcatladyforever · 02/05/2020 18:34

What a lazy prick. I could not live with a man like this. How dare he.

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:34

As in I like the children more than I like him or I like the children more than he does?

OP posts:

Teateaandmoretea · 02/05/2020 18:36

Well maybe both ....

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:36

I realised earlier this week when I had a full day at home on my own that I was worried about it looking like I'd done nothing all day. I was running round cleaning and stuff so I could say I hadn't just been sat watching TV like I wanted to because I felt that he was working and I wasn't.

OP posts:

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 02/05/2020 18:37

Both.

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:37

Felt bad that he was working and I wasn't*

OP posts:

Devlesko · 02/05/2020 18:37

Order your own Pizza, then when he starts to be useless, remind him of things.
"Are the kids not getting undressed" You've forgotten their teeth etc.
Show him up as being useless, he'll soon get the message.

Naithnira · 02/05/2020 18:39

If it was left to him his kids would sit in their pyjamas all day playing games not having brushed teeth or anything
That’s not your problem. Why are you looking after them? They’re HIS kids.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/05/2020 18:39

But, the time the children spend in your home is meant to be contact with THEIR PARENT, not contact with you. By subcontracting the parenting to you, he is letting them down (although it sounds as if you're a much better parent to them than their actual parent ).

What is the actual point of them coming to stay with him 3days/week, if they don't actually see him - because he's working, because he's tired, because he just can't be arsed? What is the point?

You have been filling in for him, and I can see you are enjoying your relationship with them, but to be blunt - what about their relationship with him? As they get older, they'll clock how disinterested in them he is - what does that do to a child, knowing their father can't be arsed to make the slightest effort? He needs to buck up his ideas and stop a
palming them off onto you (yes, that is what he is doing) if he doesn't want them to distance themselves from him just as soon as they're old enough for their wishes to be taken into account.

So I guess what I'm saying is - get a pizza and enjoy the film; but know that you're doing this not just for you, but for them too in the longer term.

He is a dick - lockdown is causing a lot of scales to fall from a lot of eyes.

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:40

I do it because I feel bad I guess. It's not the kids fault at the end of the day and I don't want them to dislike coming here.

But you're right it's not my problem ultimately.

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FinnefanFox · 02/05/2020 18:40

Well done for putting a stop to his shitty arse entitled attitude, I would be raging as well. Continue doing what you want, leave hi to look after his own kids and do not back down.

RandomMess · 02/05/2020 18:44

No it's not your problem.

If he complains that you get a day off you go "Yes because I'm not working at the moment and I don't have DC which means I get more "me" time than people that have chosen to become parents"

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/05/2020 18:44

If I were you I'd approach this from the other side. Be the parent to the DCs when they're with you, both the fun stuff and the teeth cleaning. But do nothing for him. Seven days a week! Not just when they're with you. let him see how much you actually do when you don't do it.

Shop for you, cook for you, washing for you. No help with the business. When he asks what you're doing, your answer is 'Nothing. Which is what you think I do all day. Well this is what me doing nothing feels like.'

RandomMess · 02/05/2020 18:49

I would absolutely do the fun stuff with the DC.

If they ask to do fun stuff you can say yes after Dad has given you lunch, got you dressed and brushed your teeth...

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:50

Yes I will, I enjoy that anyway so it's not a chore.

OP posts:

Snuggz · 02/05/2020 18:52

My friend is also in the same situation except it’s with 1 child who is 9. They have her 3 days a week also and I say they, but really it’s her who looks after her the entire time as he’s working. She herself has a 9m baby with him and does everything for him/kids. Unfortunately for her, her problem is where she has done everything for so long, he feigns incompetence at doing basic things or will do them sloppily or huff and puff. They have had talks and he helps out for a day or so before it goes back to the same. Her problem is she never sticks to her plan of not doing anything and he knows this and fully uses this to his advantage.

I’ll say the same thing to you as I said to her, he’ll never change as he’s too used to you being the one who does everything and now at this point in your marriage you either accept this is your lot in life to have a lazy, selfish, dick for a husband, or you can divorce and find yourself an equal partner.

See even if you do go on ‘strike’ how long is it supposed to last exactly? And what about the next time when he eventually slips back to his old ways - what happens then?

Original poster

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 18:52

Anyway, just nipped downstairs for something and he's put stuff in the oven for kids so fuck it I'm ordering my pizza!

OP posts:

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