AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

[BeeBonet]

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

@BeeBonet
Please come back at the end of today to let us know how it’s going 💐

@BeeBonet
Well done you for putting your foot down OP. Not that it matters but I'm a guy and from a guys perspective, your DH needed a boot up the ass and hopefully this will have given it to him.

My only advise would be don't let up and go back to normal today or tomorrow. Tell him later on today that you want a new plan put in place. What you expect from him etc. Regarding his kids. That you want him to do some of the cooking and interact with them.

Step parents font always get an easy ride on MN but you sound a credit to your SC and a wonderful step mum. Its also nice to hear your SC clearly value you being in their lives. Your DH is lucky to have you. Just make sure he realises it when you draw up your new plan for him!

@SeasonFinale The difference is that often posters in these situations place the blame on everyone except dad.

This step mum can clearly see that it’s not the kids at fault and seems to genuinely like and not grudgingly tolerate the children.

OP - you sound amazing in that you seem to see the kids as a part of a the package rather than weekend interlopers. He is taking the piss and it may be worth having an actual conversation and telling him what you won’t be doing from now on.

I’d play with the kids, but when they ask for things tell them to ask dad. I’d also ask him myself ‘when’s dinner love? Where are my shoes? What time are you going shopping?’ Etc.

Now comes the hard bit though, not slipping back into the role of 'skivvy'.
He will try, he will pretend that you have forgiven him, therefore forcing you to reassert your position. He will act as if things are fine, he will assume you are going to pick up the slack. He will make it so you have to act in negative ways to assert yourself, making you the 'baddie'.
Men are masters of it.

I think you need to actually say to him that you have quit being any sort of mother figure, and as you are furloughed, you will use your time as you see fit.

I agree Spiffingly but why would anyone want to stay in a relationship where they had to be constantly braced up against their boundaries, with their heels permenantly dug in, because the person who is supposed to love them is using every trick in the book to manipulate and exploit them? What a depressing and exhausting way to live, to have to be on your guard constantly so you don't get taken advantage of by your own husband.

Agree absolutely with @ByGrab

Life is difficult enough without needing to expend so.much.energy on forcing your partner into being decent.

Is this relationship really worth it?

Once you have children with a man, it certainly gets so much more complicated. Without that constraint, why would you put up with this ?

You need to tell him that unless he pulls his finger out, you will be doing this each time the kids are there.
If he wants a better atmosphere only he can change it

Hi no
I would do nothing for him, at all.
Leave him to parent his OWN CHILDREN.
Sort yourself out.
Leave him to it.
Stick to this.
I have absolutely no idea how these type of people get on I really don t
Get on with your own life op.
You will either:
See a change in him for the better
Or
Decide he isn't worth it.

You are a lovely step mum. You really are.

Continue to do sweet FA for him, lazy useless feck he is.

Do fun stuff only with the kids that you and they enjoy. Let him do the grunt work.

We fully support your strike! Stay strong @BeeBonet

I kind of think the issues are getting a bit confused here. You married this guy, who came with kids, so you are now a family unit and need to act as one.

It sounds like you do loads for the kids, so I think the whole step kids thing is a red herring. I also think being on furlough, the majority of house / kids work should fall to you.

However, based on what you’ve said he did sweet FA prior to lockdown. That’s your issue. It’s boiled up now as you’re all trapped in together, but really you need to work out how to fairly divide the load both for now (while you are on furlough) and once you go back to work.

My DH is useless at spotting when jobs need doing, so he’s written a schedule based on what we’ve agreed so he doesn’t have to think “oooo, do I need to clean a bathroom yet?” Etc.

I also think while it’s nice to be appreciative, I don’t go round demanding medals for any work I do around the house and neither should he.

His attitude is appalling. I can't stand men who use the "working all week" bollocks to get out of any domestic or parental responsibility.

I think the whole notion of a 'step mother' is a red herring. You are the wife of a man, who is a father. You are not a mother, and honestly, the entire role of 'stepmother' seems to be made up for men to avoid being single dads, or sole parents. You never see step dads doing as much.
You are nothing to these kids in any legal sense.....you have not adopted them, so why do the shit-work?
You can be a fun, lovely person who their dad lives with. You can buy them awesome birthday gifts, you can go and watch their school performances...without doing 90% of the grunt work.
I married a man with two dogs. Do I walk them for my own pleasure? yes. Do I pick up shit in the garden, pay their insurance, organise kennels when we travel?? Nope.

Excellent post Spiffingly
I wonder if this is why most divorced fathers marry again straight away, in order to get a replacement domestic worker.

You married this guy, who came with kids, so you are now a family unit and need to act as one

the majority of house / kids work should fall to you

See I don't actually agree with this in terms of the 'kids work'.

I think it's in the best interest of the children that their father does most of the work involved with them. They are there to see him. He is their parent and whilst there's nothing wrong with OP helping out with them, it should never fall to her to do the majority of parenting them whether she's working or not. They are his children. They need to see him making an effort with them.

Just for contrast OP, I live next door to a woman whose DP has young kids from a previous marriage. These kids visit on weekends.

They both work full time, despite lockdown, and whenever his kids come to stay he is the only one I hear in the garden entertaining them, etc. My neighbour only present with them if he is, too. That is 100% how it should be: His contact hours, his DC, therefore his childcare to do. Stand your ground!

Honestly imo OP could say she's lay on the sofa all week napping and eating chocolate and I still wouldn't agree that the majority of kid work should fall to her. Housework yes. But surely it's better that the kids see dad making the effort for them not just leaving their care to someone else. Part of bonding with children is caring for them. If he's not careful they'll end up preferring and being closer to their SM (they may already) which wouldn't happen if the parent in this scenarios actually took on most of the parenting like they should.

I’m not saying he should make no effort at all, and you’ll see from my post that I think the issues here are related to life prior to lockdown and the fact the father does nothing at all around the house or with the kids.

BUT they are married and a family now. Surely during the day while he’s working and the OP is on furlough, she can help out the family unit by helping out with the kids to enable him to focus on his paid work ?

@IronShame How awful must it be for young children with step parents who couldn’t care less or help out with them just because the kids are not biologically theirs ? Watching their parent struggle to juggle and manage things because the step parent has got some important chocolate binging sofa time they couldn’t miss. Or the step parent only cooking their own meals because they couldn’t feed children that aren’t there’s. That will really make them feel wanted... Do you really think you’re suggestion is fair ?

This is why before I married my DH I wouldn’t have considered dating anyone with children. It would have been a responsibility I didn’t want. If you don’t want any responsibility for children, then surely don’t marry a man with kids ?

Good on you OP. Has everyone already said, you sound like an amazing SM.

I didn't say she shouldn't do anything for them. I said the majority of 'kid work' should never fall to a step parent whether they work or not.

The parent should always do the majority of work involved with children. It's important for them not to see the buck be passed to someone else imo.

I hope OP, now that you have made a stand, you will not back track.

I agree with @Spiffingly

These are his children.

I would be seriously wondering why he is with you considering how poorly he feels he can treat you.

I would think its for your nannying skills.

Waster.

You are so lovely and deserve so much better.

I'm against step parents having to do things with their stepchildren. Having some fun together is fine but actually the kids are there because it's their RIGHT to see their other parent. It's not meant as some form of childcare by non parents. The parent is supposed to spend time and take care of their own children. That's the whole point of contact time.

Hope he will change his ways. No wonder you snapped when he grudgingly helped you with your heavy shopping bags, disgraceful!
I totally understand your frustration with him and probably shock at what a lazy, crap father he is. Glad you are there though otherwise the poor DC would have a horrible time at their dad's.

There are lots of things you could do here, like ask him if he wants to change the kids days so he could spend time with them, or ask him if he needs to have a break from having them as he is too busy working.

I would also come up with a new hobby that meant I said hello to the kids for ten minutes when they arrived but went out for the day and left them to it. The point of them coming round is to see their father, not be baby sat. If he didn’t want the work of having kids then he shouldn’t have had any.

However, the best course of action is to ditch him. You could maybe get him to do more etc but you have seen that he is a sexist man who uses someone else to take responsibility for his life choices and doesn’t have much regard for his own flesh and blood. You deserve better!

Have a read of this excellent comic OP - it might ring a few bells. www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

the majority of house / kids work should fall to you

No it shouldn't. At the moment the majority of the housework should fall to the OP because she has been furloughed whereas 'D'H is working fulltime. This should not be the case when both are working - in that case, the work should be divided equally (or proportionally if one is working a lot more hours than the other).

The majority of kids' work should not fall to the OP at all. They are his children and he should be doing the bulk of the entertaining and caring for them. They are there 3 days a week to spend time with HIM, not to be foisted off on a live-in nanny stepmum. He is a lazy, selfish prick who seems to care less about his children than their stepmum does.
I'd like to bet he was exactly the same when he was living with them and their Mum full-time.
Whatever the OP does, she should not have children with this useless excuse for a man because she'll end up holding down a job, doing all the cooking and cleaning, bringing her own kids up and bringing up the stepchildren as well.