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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:

Cinderella66 · 02/05/2020 23:11

LTB

TorkTorkBam · 02/05/2020 23:11

He has to arrange his contact days for days when he is able to look after the children.

If he can't, which is actually won't, prioritise them then they should stay with their mum.

Right now they are learning that dad doesn't like them. Better to be at home with mum than being subjected to that.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 02/05/2020 23:22

How was the pizza op? And has he done a sheepish apology yet?

indemMUND · 02/05/2020 23:31

Hope you enjoyed your pizza in peace OP.
They are his kids and his responsibility. It's beyond lovely how much you've put yourself out for them and how much you consider them. He needs to be pulled up hard and fast to realise that he is the parent and hasn't been doing this. He should be bloody appreciative that you've made them feel safe enough to come to you first but also realise how much he's dropped the ball. Make it very clear that he needs to sort this out for their sake at least, even if he can't get his head around doing it for your sake (which is ridiculous but sometimes you have to spell it out). Good luck

DishingOutDone · 03/05/2020 00:08

There was a similar thread on here the other day where the stepmum was having to home school the kids as well during the week so as to allow her partner and his ex-wife to work!

Original poster

BeeBonet · 03/05/2020 00:42

Hello, pizza was delish! I watched a rom com and drank a full bottle of wine to myself so now feeling a bit... Worse for wear (in a good way?!)

Thank you all for your support. He has attempted an apology but I told him he was ruining the film so he retreated downstairs 😂

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

OP posts:

Weenurse · 03/05/2020 01:01

Well done, but now I want pizza.

Dubbadubbadumdum · 03/05/2020 01:31

Well done Bee! Keep up the good work, and don't let him sidle up to you with a half arsed excuse. You deserve better, and so does his kids.

Thornhill58 · 03/05/2020 01:48

Stand your ground. One thing is to love the kids and another is to be taken for granted. If you don't value yourself nobody else will. The pizza looked delicious, excellent choice.
We all have to teach people how to treat us and this is it. Working long hours is a reason but not an excuse for not taking care of the kids and you.
Keep up the good work. ❤️❤️❤️

cstaff · 03/05/2020 02:17

Just read your thread now OP and well done on holding your own tonight. Just make sure that you carry this over into tomorrow and further until he realises that you mean business and he needs to up his game with regard to HIS kids.

It also sounds like you have a lovely relationship with the kids.

LorenzoStDubois · 03/05/2020 02:59

You need to follow through on this.

He has it all sewn up, hasn't he?
A woman to be the skivvy, raise the kids and a hole to stick it in, when he's horny.
No wonder his first marriage went down the pan.
Tosser.

managedmis · 03/05/2020 03:14

He has to arrange his contact days for days when he is able to look after the children.

This.

whatisthisdeliciousthing · 03/05/2020 03:17

He got married again so there would be another woman around to the do work and raise his kids.

whatisthisdeliciousthing · 03/05/2020 03:21

And the only reason he's apologised and made tea is because he's worried you might actually follow through and he'll have to actually parent his kids regularly.

LorenzoStDubois · 03/05/2020 03:49

Yeah, he will revert to default as soon as he can, so you need to keep it up.

He's just waiting for you to crumble, so he can get his cushy number back.

ChikiTIKI · 03/05/2020 03:52

Pizza looks sooo good 🙂

ScouseQueen · 03/05/2020 05:01

he's worried you might actually follow through and he'll have to actually parent his kids regularly.

This. Make this a turning point.

twinnywinny14 · 03/05/2020 05:20

MN makes me laugh. If OP wasn’t doing anything for the children and their mother posted on here about that she would be getting slagged off for not meeting the children’s needs, she married someone with kids she has to help etc.
That aside I agree that you have enabled him to be like this, and you have to put your foot down otherwise this will never change. You need to tell him everything you have told us and give him a chance to change. After that you have to make a decision about what happens if he doesn’t change. Can you continue this long term?

Biensur40 · 03/05/2020 06:02

A deeper issue is will he ever value home work ie childcare, family life home making, cleaning etc? It sounds like you have got into this division of labour and now he needs teaching this is wrong. Paid work is important, of course, but the other tasks it takes to run a home and well, live, are equally important. He needs to get that first before he can change.

Stick to your guns, OP. I would 'withdraw your labour' for a few days, if not a week but realise this might be difficult. Just say to your SC when they are there, it's your dad's turn now. Hard if they are really young, I know but better for them in the long run.

Just as an aside my DH works 60+ hour weeks but still plays with the children, does a couple of chores and looks after them fir a couple of hours at the weekend so it can be done - he needs to be a real grown up! My DH is tired and not always happy about it but I have told him, that's life...!

Best wishes

blackcat86 · 03/05/2020 06:05

I've been where you are and you need to make this a long term change. DH kept arranging to have DSS for long periods with no consideration for childcare, activities food shopping/budgeting, pick up/drop off (he is 1.5-2hrs away). I guess I wanted to be a 'good sm' at first but it went totally unappreciated. Then we had DD and it was clear that all the bs about his ex wouldnt let him be involved or see the child was shit because he did FA. I did all the nights, nappies, early mornings, playdates and medical apts as well as being expected to visit his parents. So I stopped. I stopped planning and paying for activities when DSS visited and made myself unavailable with other things with DD. Sadly DSS chooses to visit a lot less now but I think its important that him and DH workout their own relationship without me papering over the cracks. TBF he is much older (16) so can take care of his own basic needs.

MyOtherProfile · 03/05/2020 06:14

I hope he sees why you've done this and sorts himself out. I think you still may need to explain it to him in words of one syllable though. And also to the kids on a certain level.

SunShine682 · 03/05/2020 06:14

He sounds like a twat...

When the kids day ‘bee can we do this ...’ etc, just reply Im not sure ask your dad!

Longdistance · 03/05/2020 06:19

@BeeBonet make sure you retreat for Sunday too. Have a break yourself. Pizza looked great 🤤 hope your H bucks his ideas up, you sound like a fabulous SM.
When I get fed up with dh taking the piss, I retreat to the spare bedroom, hide and sleep/MN/watch shows and tell him to parent his dc. They’re my dc too, but it gets a bit much when he ducks out of bothering to parent.
Have a fun Sunday!

cantarina · 03/05/2020 06:54

Well done OP, sounds like you landed the message and hopefully he will be more receptive now.

SeasonFinale · 03/05/2020 07:04

Usually these threads go along the lines of you knew what you were getting into when you got together with someone with kids. Where are all the "evil step mum" bashers today? Maybe lockdown has made people more tolerant of others?

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