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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:

summerfruitssquash · 03/05/2020 14:01

I would have done exactly the same, OP. You’ve made me want pizza now 😂 hope your head isn’t too bad!

TinRoofRusty · 03/05/2020 14:28

Spiffingly nails it! And I agree, Ragwort and Xenia. It's never a good idea when you're single and childfree to get involved with a man who has kids because there's always a very good reason why the mother of those children got to the point where she decided to end the relationship and the major one seems to be that he's a sexist manchild who sees working as a get out of life pass.

This one will slip right back to where he was because this is who he is.

At the least I wouldn't have a child with him.

I wonder if this is why most divorced fathers marry again straight away, in order to get a replacement domestic worker.

A lot do, but again, they need women with low self-esteem to enable it.

managedmis · 03/05/2020 14:45

Totally agree.
If she walks - he'll have a new pair of knickers inside the house by Michaelmas.
They always do.
The fastest I saw was 3 weeks.

Sorry

Ohffs66 · 03/05/2020 15:28

Best piece of advice I ever saw in relation to step parenting is never do more than the actual parent

Spiffingly · 03/05/2020 16:06

@Ohffs66 so, in OPs case....bugger all!

SeasonFinale · 04/05/2020 08:02

People completely misunderstood my comment about "evil stepmums" which just goes to show how sometimes threads go off on a right tangent.

Spiffingly · 04/05/2020 08:33

season, I agree that women seem to be expected to fulfil the role of Mother as soon as they even look at a man with kids, but these same women (if they have kids themselves) are then expected to keep their 'gentlemen friends' a hidden secret from their kids, and maybe after 6 months they can whisper his name in their hearing.

Men are allowed to ship in a new mummy overnight, and this woman had better get bum-wiping or she is a failed woman!

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2020 09:05

I agree with @BluntAndToThePoint80

You marry someone with children and you become a step-PARENT

That doesn't mean the actual parent gets to sit back and leave it all to their partner.

However, if there were children of the new marriage you wouldn't treat the two sets differently. One parenting both lots and the other parenting one.

The problem here is that he's just lazy all round, both as a father and a husband and he needs to change his attitude on both counts. Not the OP just deciding well, they're not her kids so no need to bother

Balkin · 04/05/2020 09:40

However, if there were children of the new marriage you wouldn't treat the two sets differently. One parenting both lots and the other parenting one

I'd still expect my husband to do most of the work involved with his children whether I had kids or not. Or certainly contribute more than what OPs husband is at least. Whether OP works or not, has children or not, is married or not is irrelevant, his children are visiting to see and be parented by him, not her.

Not the OP just deciding well, they're not her kids so no need to bother

I don't think this is fair nor what's actually happened by the sounds of it.

It sounds like OP has been 'bothering', very much so (more than these children's parent), but it's completely unappreciated by her husband and so is now questioning why she should be bothering if her husband won't. Because whether you like it or not, he's the one with ultimate responsibility for the children involved here, she does a great job with them it sounds but he shouldn't be leaving it all to her and it won't do him any harm to be forced to parent his own children for a while and it may actually improve his relationship with them in the long term.

How are things ever supposed to change for OP if she just carries on bearing the grunt work of raising DC that aren't hers whilst her DH sits back and does fuck all.

She has NO legal responsibility to these children, she could walk out tomorrow and never do anything for them again if she wanted and he really would have to get on with it himself then. The children need to be able to rely on him to parent them, not a woman who could up and leave tomorrow.

Balkin · 04/05/2020 09:44

It's no wonder really that there is still a pressure for women to do most of the grunt work when it comes to kids when people expect it of women who aren't even the children's biological parent. I really can't see a step dad being told the majority of 'kid work' should fall to him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2020 10:46

Clarez456 "The point of them coming round is to see their father, not be baby sat."

And this is the whole point. His children are there to maintain their relationship with him. Not to be babysat. Not to give their mother some alone-time. No, it's to maintain their relationship with HIM. Contact time is all about their needs, not about his wants. And he is spectacularly failing their needs by palming off their care on the OP.

Original poster

BeeBonet · 04/05/2020 11:08

Hi all,

Sorry I didn't update yesterday I felt pretty rough 😂

There's not much of an update I'm afraid I just stayed out of the way yesterday. I didn't want to have a flaming row whilst the kids were here. They have gone this morning to their mums and he is in work so when he gets home we'll be having a talk.

Not the OP just deciding well, they're not her kids so no need to bother

Oo I don't know if that's fair I do bother a lot with the kids. I bother with practically all family and home things. I do everything. So yeah it really pissed ne off when he suggested I sit and do nothing all week. If he thinks I do nothing now anyway then maybe I really should do nothing and he can see what that's like.

I don't accept him working as an excuse to not bother with his kids. If I weren't around he would have to step up and do it. It's not impossible to have a full time job and also care for your children.

I'm also not asking for medals. I just want to be able to ask for help unpacking a shop or around the house at the weekend without a strop as if I'm being completely unreasonable. He made it clear to me that he doesn't appreciate what I do. Clearly he doesn't see it so perhaps he will if I were to stop for a while and he'd realise. That was my rationale behind saying I was going to do nothing now anyway.

When I say the children aren't mine, I don't mean it cruelly. I mean it in the sense that they deserve their actual parent to care for them, make an effort with them and do things with them when they come to see him not just sit about complaining about being tired and us having to do things without him all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeeBonet · 04/05/2020 11:14

However, if there were children of the new marriage you wouldn't treat the two sets differently. One parenting both lots and the other parenting one

There are no children of the 'new' (first for both) marriage, therefore I don't really understand the relevance.

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 04/05/2020 11:30

Well done, OP. Keep up that resolve. No washing or other helpful tasks for him. No weekly shop. Lets see what he says when he finds there's no milk for his coffee and nothing cooked for dinner. I'm sure he has just slotted you into place as his mum/wife and he will wonder why you aren't filling your intended purpose.

cstaff · 04/05/2020 11:42

You two definitely need to talk sooner rather than later and he needs to understand how much you do for him and his kids. The only way you to get through to him on this is to just stop whatever you normally do i.e. shopping, cooking, washing and just look after yourself.

I also think it was very impressive that you held it together when the kids were there but he needs to realise that his kids will lose out on your company and help if he doesn't get his act together.

Hope he sees this for what it is. Good luck op

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2020 12:28

Not the OP just deciding well, they're not her kids so no need to bother

I don't think this is fair nor what's actually happened by the sounds of it.

No I don't think that's the situation. She's certainly gone above and beyond.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2020 12:30

Oo I don't know if that's fair sad I do bother a lot with the kids. I bother with practically all family and home things. I do everything. So yeah it really pissed ne off when he suggested I sit and do nothing all week. If he thinks I do nothing now anyway then maybe I really should do nothing and he can see what that's like.

@BeeBonet I wasn't referring to you. You do clearly bother and treat them very well.

My post was talking in generalities to other posters as well as the fact that you're married to a lazy arse.

TinRoofRusty · 04/05/2020 14:17

He's inherently sexist. He's been this way all his life. His ex got fed up of being his skivvy-come-bed-maid so he found another to put up with his sexism. The changes he'll change for good are slim. Men like him 10p a dozen. If you want kids, I wouldn't give that up to continue enabling this chauvinistic man who's a shit dad, too. Sorry, but his beliefs are deep-seated and what he'll probably do is put on a show for a while and then slip right back because he thinks childcare, domestic work and lifework are women's work even when you're both working FT. He saw you coming. LIke Ragwort, I'm agog at how often women fall for men like this and with all their baggage. They must put on quite the charm offensive. I don't understand how anyone can love someone who treats them like a skivvy and treats their kids like crap. That would just kill any love I had for them stone cold.

billy1966 · 04/05/2020 14:26

OP, you sound like a genuinely lovely woman who has married a twat, who needed a nanny for his children.

Apologies if that is harsh, but that's what it reads like.
He treats you like a MUG.

You deserve so much better than him.

I wish that you realised that.

I would think very hard before i would depend on him.

Have you any desire to have children?
Think hard before you do.

Invariably women who do with waster fathers end up used, abused and broken.

Used as a skivvy by everyone.

You deserve better.

MostlyHappyMummy · 04/05/2020 15:15

Completely agree with @TinRoofRusty
Amazing how many men like this there are and even more amazing how many women are willing to become their unpaid nanny come maid.
You can't change him, but you can decide not to live like this.
Sadly, I suspect once you stop doing everything that he expects, you'll no longer be needed.

TorkTorkBam · 04/05/2020 17:44

You have married a sexist manchild.

Tbh, if I were you I would declare myself in need of retraining / upskilling to secure employment post furlough and thus you will be spending all on educating yourself so you can't pick up his half of the housework and all of his childcare. No more of this talk of him "helping" you now and then. He has 50% of housework and you've been helping him with his share but have now decided that's not possible any more. Reframe it in your mind and in your speech

FinallyHere · 04/05/2020 19:02

And let's not forget, the thing that brought OP up sharp was not realising how much you have been doing more than your share, it was simply his lack of appreciation for all that you have been doing.

MyOtherProfile · 05/05/2020 06:47

Did you have a talk when he finished work?

Spiffingly · 05/05/2020 13:30

Any update op? Xx

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