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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say I'm doing nothing now, for DH and Step Kids

199 replies

BeeBonet · 02/05/2020 17:33

Basically I'm a skivvy.

I've been furloughed and this means I'm doing everything, although I was doing everything before anyway so it's made no difference apart from given H even more of an excuse to leave it all to be.

The thing that really boils my piss though is that I also do practically everything for his kids when they are here too. I've been looking after them in the day whilst he's been working, I make their meals, wash their clothes, get them washed and teeth brushed etc, do all the shopping, I'm the only one who actually does anything remotely fun with them. They often tell me I'm more fun than him which I find really sad tbh.

I've just been to do a big grocery shop and got home with a mountain of bags to unpack. I got to the door and shouted in 'can you come help you with these please'. He moodily came and helped me unpack and when I asked what the problem was he sarcastically said 'nothing, not like I was enjoying a nap after working all week or anything'.

He's literally sat on his arse all day, I've taken the kids out on a walk, I've been shop, I've made us all dinner, I've washed up etc... Whilst he's been sat there watching TV because he's been working all week. His kids even asked him to come on a walk with us but he wouldn't because he was tired. He literally never does anything with them so I do in order to try and make their time here fun.

I've just blown up after he said 'its alright you just enjoy your whole week off next week' and I've said thats it.

I'm not doing anything for him now. I was helping with his business in the week (so not sat doing nothing) but I'm not doing that now. I was having his kids in the day whilst he worked but that's not happening either.

I've said he can sort tea out himself and do something for his own kids for once and I'm now sat upstairs raging.

I feel bad because ultimately it's the kids that will suffer but I refuse to pick up his slack with his own kids anymore. AIBU to stop everything so he actually fucking realises what I do for him and his children?

He thinks because he's working and I'm not right n that it excuses him doing absolutely nothing. Even helping me put some shopping away. And as I said, I did it all before even when I was working full time. Apparently that was because he worked more hours than me.

I've just had enough. I was taking his kids to school on his days so it wouldn't affect his work, making their packed lunches in the evening because he was too tired etc.. I honestly feel like never doing anything like that again.

OP posts:
Inthepurplerain · 03/05/2020 07:06

Well done for standing your ground op.

ChippyMinton · 03/05/2020 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippyMinton · 03/05/2020 07:13

So sorry, completely wrong thread Blush

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/05/2020 07:27

What reason do you have to stay in this relationship op? It sounds miserable and I think you know it won't get better. You might be able to get to a point where you have a big bust up every few months and things improve for a week or 2 and then slip back to how they were. Or you may make a few small changes over a period of year. But by that point you'll be so exhausted of the effort required - the hours of talking, explaining, pleading, fighting, that it will take to get to a point where he sometimes washes some of the dishes - that you'll have no fight left in you. The relationship might, with a massive effort, improve fractionally but it'll still be shit. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want children of your own? You have one brief and precious life op, please don't spend it being a glorified indentured servent to some loser.

quietheart · 03/05/2020 07:30

I agree with those who say you need to follow on with this, especially when the working week starts. Right now he will think this is a one off, don’t cave at the first few apologies and don’t be cleaning up any mess he made last night making the tea for his kids.

Spiffingly · 03/05/2020 07:38

The only reason he is sorry is that he is shot scared of actually having to do the work he so easily pushes onto you. The work that HE should be doing.

He knows that looking after kids is hard, grinding, boring work. That's why he wants you to do it all.
Only the prospect of 'being you' for even a short time has him panicked. And yet, he is 100% happy to have you do it.

Deathraystare · 03/05/2020 07:46

Don't worry if you do end up LTB, there will be another mug around before long to do all the wife work.

Hamsterian · 03/05/2020 07:47

OP you sound like an absolutely fab stepmother! Absolutely wasted on that prick of a man. How dare he speak to you like that? So rude and unappreciative.
Please make this a turning point. And don’t have children with until this has been 100% solved.

PollyPelargonium52 · 03/05/2020 07:52

Men just aren't worth it they really aren't. They are hard work and avoid responsibilities all too freely. Quite selfish creatures to be frank.

sashh · 03/05/2020 08:06

What pizza are you going to order 😀 are you going to get any extras to go with it? Place near my parents does dough balls and a bowl of Nutella

One near me does a nutella pizza.

OP

I think you should make contact with his ex. Ask if you can go over with a pizza to share.

GoofyLuce · 03/05/2020 08:08

**Usually these threads go along the lines of you knew what you were getting into when you got together with someone with kids. Where are all the "evil step mum" bashers today? Maybe lockdown has made people more tolerant of others?

Ermmm...maybe because this particular step-mum is absolutely fantastic and genuinely cares about her step children.

Standrewsschool · 03/05/2020 08:22

That pizza looks scrumptious!

Original poster
BeeBonet · 03/05/2020 08:22

Morning all, thank you again!

I'll reply properly when my head is swimming less
makes mental note NOT to drink full bottle of wine in anger again

OP posts:
Collaborate · 03/05/2020 08:28

I've only read the first few posts but surely if he's working and you're not, the responsibility for the household chores falls on you, unless you want to pay your own way?

MashedSpud · 03/05/2020 08:30

I’d leave.

He might grovel and seem actively involved for a day or two but he’ll end up playing Mr Childless again and dump them on you.

Xenia · 03/05/2020 08:31

That is why it is best not to get involved with a man with children as it is just too complicated! However do stand your ground. It also helps if you can outearn him. May be you could even get some kind of job even in Tesco so you are out all day - it might be a break from the children and house stuff.

Kraejka · 03/05/2020 08:32

Usually these threads go along the lines of you knew what you were getting into when you got together with someone with kids. Where are all the "evil step mum" bashers today? Maybe lockdown has made people more tolerant of others?

Well it's blatantly obvious she is a very good stepmum and that she did know what she was getting into and that she does a huge amount for the children (the bulk of the work it seems). She takes the children out when lazy arse can't be bothered.
She's run ragged and fuckwit is doing nothing and doesn't even thank her.
There's no evil stepmum here. This is nothing like some of the threads where some stepmums get bashed. The majority of posters don't come on MN and see "stepmum" and start piling in without looking at the circumstances.
That said, any kind of pile on and "bashing" for any reason is unnecessary and I wish people would stop doing it.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/05/2020 08:36

Um maybe read the op again Collaberate 1) she's on furlough so still "paying her own way". 2) she was doing 99% of the work before being furloughed, the only difference now is that her lazy twat husband has the perfect excuse to not lift a finger and 3) she isn't asking him to do the lions share, she's asking him to parent his own children and do basic tasks like helping to unpack the shopping without huffing and puffing and making shitty comments about how he wanted to take a nap instead.

StuckInnTheMiddle · 03/05/2020 08:37

Collaborate

I suggest reading the full thread before making ridiculous comments

Ragwort · 03/05/2020 08:44

How do these men attract a second wife, they must put on a real charm offensive and by the time you realise what the situation is it is too late ... but hopefully this is a warning to other women to avoid dating men with DC. It is so obvious that they just want a childminder/housekeeper .... plus sex. Angry.

Disclaimer - I am sure there are some decent single dads out there but from what I read on Mumsnet they seem to be in the minority.

Doctorwhosit · 03/05/2020 08:48

I like this!!!

LorenzoStDubois · 03/05/2020 08:55

Deathraystare
Don't worry if you do end up LTB, there will be another mug around before long to do all the wife work.

Totally agree.
If she walks - he'll have a new pair of knickers inside the house by Michaelmas.
They always do.
The fastest I saw was 3 weeks.

Grobagsforever · 03/05/2020 08:57

@collaborate - RTFT

She is paying her own way, she's furloughed not unemployed

Doctorwhosit · 03/05/2020 09:06

Perfect answer.

PatchworkElmer · 03/05/2020 09:14

Good for you OP! Hope you’re enjoying a nice lay in this morning.