To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

Yes, I have several and I am also aware of the extremely complicated and sensitive situations that have led to their challenging relationship with food. No, I don't say anything, they are neither blind nor stupid and they are wonderful people in many ways.

I echo some other posters that people are extremely quick to judge and unsympathetic of those with weight problems. We all have problems and weakness; weight is just an easy target for people to feel morally superior, which I find abhorrent. By all means focus on being healthy but don't pretend that an ability to control your food intake and exercise levels makes you a better person. It doesn't.

I'm overweight, though not that much. But I have a pair of close friends that I almost stopped talking to entirely over this. Every time I meet up with them it turns into an "intervention" about my weight. Even when they aren't lecturing me (in the nicest possible way) about the dangers of being overweight, the whole of their chat is about which diet they are on and what the exercise regime of choice is at present (neither of them are stick thin either)

Every time this happens, they have generally chosen to meet up at a restaurant where they sink gins and scoff puddings (I don't drink and don't do puddings anyway) ... and then suggest that the next time we go anywhere it should be to walk up a hill somewhere (not recommended for me by my doctors, not being advised to strenuous exercise is one of the reasons I find it hard to lose weight of course, but they don't listen to that point)
I usually come away from these meet ups feeling horrible, annoyed, useless and patronised. On occasion I have made excuses to just ditch out because it was just making me angry.

So to answer your question... no... don't. If you want to be supportive, listen to them, because the reasons for obesity are complicated and not just about not finding the right slimming group or just being lazy. Have dinner with them and don't stuff your own face in front of them, and have them over for "cakes" don't give chocolates for Christmas then look down on them for eating them... just be a friend.

@Babyjakesmum That is horrible, they are not friends.

One of my DSis is obese. It’s a real concern but not something a family member could bring up with her out of the blue - she’d descend into floods of tears and it would be end of conversation.

Having said that she does talk to me about it out of everyone as she doesn’t feel I judge. I’m very blunt with her about how as she gets older the health risks are increasing. I’ve told her to consider gastric surgery as she has a lot of weight to lose (no idea how much but her dress size is in the 20s) and she has never successfully sustained a diet.

Unfortunately @problembottom gastric surgery isn't always the ultimate solution for people desperate to lose weight. DM had a gastric balloon inserted 5 years ago. Within a few weeks she realised that it was physically easier for soft sugary junk food to slip down than nutritious food that was harder to digest.

Over the years she has been on every diet, had therapy and the last resort was the surgery.
It's abundantly clear that her issues with food go way beyond any option she has tried, even surgery.

Most wouldn't dream of approaching someone they knew was using drugs, or an alcoholic, and offer advice

That’s not true. Most people seek to help others with drug/alcohol addictions. There are clinics to go to, programs to go on. If you have an restrictive eating food disorder your also looked after and forwarded on to support but it your morbidly obese - which IS a food disorder - your told to go on a diet. It’s ridiculous! No one wants to be fat. Yet it’s not recognised as an illness.

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead and @Handsoffisback - thank you! ☺️ Still have a long way to go, about another 6 (and I’ll still be considered overweight but I’m not a small build so would look ridiculous any lighter). 💐

I'm morbidly obese talking to me about exercise or healthy eating is utterly pointless. All it would achieve would be humiliating me and making me feel worse than I already do. I know exactly why I'm the weight I am. I have an eating disorder that's triggered by tiredness. If I'm tired I cannot control what I eat at all. I eat high energy foods until I'm sick. If I'm not tired I eat properly. Tiredness triggers a switch in my head.

And if that wasn't enough. I also have a sleeping disorder so am knackered a lot of the time. I have multiple sleep tablets every night, I have a prescription weighted blanket, I have special glasses to induce tiredness, and now I have a CPAP machine. I still wake up too many times but it is getting better.

Thanks @Handsoffisback, I’ll try ☺️ x

It's both, Avocet. It certainly becomes both.

Addicts are masters at blaming other people eg the mother who rewarded the golden child. I'm not sneering, my disordered family has a golden child, I'm the scapegoat. I could get a lot of mileage out of that - and I certainly have! 12-step addresses all of that. It's not a diet club, it addresses all aspects of disordered eating: physical, emotional/psychological, spiritual. Eg there's a lot of resentment banked up in an addict.

it your morbidly obese - which IS a food disorder - your told to go on a diet. It’s ridiculous! No one wants to be fat. Yet it’s not recognised as an illness.

Yes! We're seen as greedy and lacking self control. Yet someone who restricts is supported. Yet it's two sides of the exact same disorder.

Fat is loathed in our culture at the moment.

Loathed = feared.

I think you can talk to an addict about how their addiction is affecting YOU. Eg the poster who spoke to her mother about her fears of having to care for her mother in later life because of her mothers morbid obesity.

It has to be genuine though, it can't be hectoring, emotional blackmail. It sounds like this poster was genuinely afraid for the future.

If the person's obesity is not going to impact you directly I don't think there's much you can say, really. But if you are genuinely frightened for their future because you love them I think you can say something.

It's a fine line though and could backfire.

My brother isn’t morbidly obese but he’s definitely in the obese side of the bmi scale.
He used to be incredibly fit when he was younger but since meeting his wife he’s piled on the weight. He has 2 small children.
After Christmas I told him I was really worried about his weight and I didn’t want to lose him through heart problems or whatever else.
Seems to have worked. He’s lost a bit and is walking and exercising loads.
I see nothing wrong with showing genuine concern and offering support. Obesity shouldn’t be normalised. It’s not ok to be anorexic and it’s not ok to be obese. I also know it’s not easy as I’ve been overweight myself. My weights creeped up lately and I’m making an effort to get it back down again.

People are complex and the reasons people gain weight and can't shift it are complex.

If you have a family member or close friend who is overweight you would do better to listen to them rather than tell them what they already know. You probably have no idea.

Hmmm, reading through PPs about fear, loathing, smugness, all made me think about how I feel about overeating.

I’m currently a healthy weight and I cycle/walk/run A LOT and portion control to maintain. To keep at a healthy weight, I don’t restrict myself too much, but treats, meals out, takeaways are planned and accounted for. It has always been a feature of adult life and a point of conversation with friends of a similar size/mindset. If I do take my finger off the pulse, say at Christmas, then I end up a stone overweight that I have to work at to lose.

I do notice what overweight acquaintances are eating. Probably because of my own relationship with food. I have an overweight FB friend who at the moment is posting all her lockdown meals. Lots of takeaways, particularly those Scottish munchie boxes (a pizza box piled high with different deep fried foods). And I suppose I find it fascinating. I’d never eat one because it’s an obscene amount of food. But maybe part of me is jealous because I do like takeaways and pizzas and massive bags of crisps. A small part of me would quite like to spend lockdown curled up on the sofa eating junk until my heart’s content. By silently noticing the problems that go along with being obese, the health problems, difficulty moving around, etc. I’m reminding myself why I have to get up and do the bike ride I can’t be bothered to do, or why I’m thinking about whether I’ve earned a dessert that day or not.

Maybe it seems taboo to comment on weight because I am, on a level, judging and noticing. But then I often think I’d like to be helped if I was in that place...

Yes, we talk about it together often. We talk about various diets we’ve done and why they couldn’t lose much weight or keep it off. Talk about the abusive childhood, fat parents, disability, chronic pain, stomach op. Talk about them dying and how I would cope.
In my experience obese people feel more comfortable talking to others who either are obese or have been previously because they understand the difficulties, the joy of losing weight and the shame of putting it back on, the feeling judged, the bullying, the sweating, the leg rubbing, the fear of fitting into seats, the fear of dying.
For many people it’s not just about what they eat. It’s genetics and disability. But they get judged anyway. There is not much help around.

There is lots government could do to help reduce child and adult obesity. Evidence based policy options. So far they haven’t, IMO because of cost and industry lobbying. The much delayed then drastically weakened Childhood Obesity “Strategy” is an example.

Yes my sister and it scares me especially at the moment .. she is an emotional eater though and her emotions are so wrapped up in food I don't know how it would ever be fixed .
I just hope she doesn't get Covid 😔

Plus the fact morbidly obese people can't really exercise , they need to reduce those food first to get to a level where they can .. they will be over eating my thousands of calories a day so any reduction will make them lose weight quite quickly .

Obesity is complex. Multigenerational in our family and the reasons for it are complex - food used as a reward, clear your plate, bad diet being modelled for us.

I am obese as is my brother we were both slim children. Our younger sister, fortunately for her, seems to have escaped.

I know I’m fat. I try but emotional eating is a huge thing for me. All my colleagues have increased their alcohol consumption with Covid. I’m eating chocolate.

I hate it when others bring it up. And hate other people attempting to control my food intake.

My brother’s partner is well meaning but pretty controlling about the food in their house. I don’t know if she is aware my brother sits in his car in the garage & mainlines hula hoops...

“they will be over eating my thousands of calories a day so any reduction will make them lose weight quite quickly”

Not true. DP has previously had gastric sleeve operation and can only eat small amounts. He is still morbidly obese. He eats as much as my fussy 6 year old DC.
When he tries to reduce or low carb the weight comes off so so slowly or not at all. It is very disheartening. It does not make any sense but there it is.

He's eating on the quiet Anne