To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

Bluntness. It's obvious I meant booze when I said drink.

An addiction is not choice. It is not the same as average choices, not in the same ballpark. Anyone who has an addiction will know that. In fact, addicts often have a very stong will - which is totally ineffective in the area of their addictive substance /practise. It is BAFFLING to the addict, who just can't understand why they can't stop, why the compulsion is bigger than them, that they are entirely unable to control.

An addiction is not choice. It is not the same as average choices, not in the same ballpark. Anyone who has an addiction will know that. In fact, addicts often have a very stong will

😂😂

Ppl always say the person knows and knows the dangers. Not true in my experience; ppl are in denial and think its fine. I don't think theres anything you can do though. Unless the person decides to change things themselves.

I think that this thread is really interesting.

I have struggled with my weight all my life, yo-yoing from size 12 to a size 18, going up with binge eating and poor lifestyle and going down with strict exercise and restricted eating.

I am currently normal BMI, wearing pretty clothes, active, able to enjoy life and ..... receive complements! Simple things that just don't happen if you are obese and unhappy.

When I am obese, I feel so lonely and isolated. I feel as though there is no one who understands me and that makes it worse. I feel a failure, such shame that I cant manage to do something as simple as maintaining my lifestyle. I feel embarrassed and some how less worth. Everyone not talking about it makes me feel excluded. I am thinking about it all the time. It feels such a mountain to climb that I just bury my head and do nothing, getting heavier and heavier.

I often feel so overwhelmed that I just want someone to help me, take charge and stop my self sabotage.

I think that people don't know what to say, so say nothing. I wish they would talk to me, its clearly a problem and I would love help to normalise my thoughts and maintain the lifestyle that I so long to keep.

An offer of support, 'can I do anything to help you', can I come to an exercise class with you, I won't have wine - water is fine', simple comments that show kindness, support and offer some opportunity for me to bring up the subject that is constantly at the front of my mind.

Generally I don’t think trying to address someone’s weight with them is very helpful - they know the problem, and have to decide if and when to seek the solution. However if someone tells you they’re trying to lose weight or get fitter, nothing wrong with encouraging them.

When you say ‘mental obsessing’, is that over the food itself?

Yes, it fills your head every second, its all you think about - getting it (how/when/what), planning when and where you'll eat it. Absolute misery! Total compulsion

You only realise how bad it was when you stop the addictive substance. The silence is bliss. The whole world opens up, you can think and enjoy and be present.

Prosletizing again, sorry.

The thing about obesity is that it does affect other people, not just the person who is very overweight. Being very overweight hugely increases your chances of health complications- type 2 diabetes, heart attacks, stroke, high blood pressure, many types of cancer. These in turn cost the NHS a huge amount- I think lifestyle related illnesses are said to be one of the greatest costs to the NHS in modern society.

During the covid outbreak the individual is having to take responsibility for behaving in a way that does not increase the pressure on the NHS, and to some extent the ‘obesity epidemic’ is a similar thing. I do think people have to accept responsibility for their own health, and recognise that although it may be very, very difficult you can overcome it to become fitter, healthier and slimmer.

It is very hard to lose weight if you are overweight and it will often require lots of psychological intervention, some re-education and reading around the correct way to eat a healthy, balanced diet, lots of willpower and the support of those you live with and socialise with. The first step with making any change is accepting that only you can be in charge of your life and no one is going to able to do anything about this other than you. There is no quick fix, it has to be a long term change.

You can’t just dismiss obesity as a completely harmless thing that has no impact on other people.
Within families, parents who are obese, like parents who are smokers, are far more likely to have obese children.
It’s a really complex issue.

@Handsoffisback Yes you’re absolutely right, I suppose it is quite sad that nothing makes me happier than food 😞 I wish I understood why but I have no idea, I’ve been like that since childhood and I’m in my mid thirties now. I think for whatever reason I’ve always turned to food when I’ve had a bad time and then also during the good times too. If I had something in the fridge I loved I would actively look forward to eating it later where as if I didn’t, I would feel depressed that I had nothing nice to eat. I don’t feel that way about anything else in my life, certainly not my family (they’re all overweight too although not to the degree that I have been) and my friends are all bigger than me and love their food too! My DH has encouraged me to lose weight gently but I’ve just rebuffed him and in the end he gave up mentioning it. I’ve just lost 4 stone recently, through a health scare and it’s been really hard not to feel down because I can’t eat the crap I usually do. The Pandemic in a way has helped because I can’t get some of the food I would normally binge on and actually some of it I don’t miss for the first time in my life! 😮

There are 3 sisters (not my sisters - generation above mine) in my family, 1 of whom is obese and the other 2 morbidly obese. They are very honest and open about their struggles with weight. They are very knowledgeable about nutrition and the digestive system and can tell you exactly what a healthy diet should look like but all agree they have 0 willpower when it comes to actually eating like this. They have tried pretty much every diet and exercise regime you can name and have either given up or regained any weight lost everytime. They know they need to lose weight: they don't need to be told/encouraged/insulted. They are all intelligent and well aware of the risks.

What I find interesting is their upbringing. They were brought up very strictly regarding food: 3 meals a day (2 on Saturdays when they had brunch instead of breakfast and lunch), small portions, no snacking. Fat people were seen as lazy and disgusting by their parents, who often commented on any weight gain in a negative way. Being Fat was one of the worst crimes imaginable: their mother was always on a diet and their father was very critical of any overweight women they knew/saw (apparently less concerned by overweight men!). They didn't eat sweets, treats, cakes, rich food or even eat out much. Once they left home, all of them began a life-long love of food - eating out, big home-cooked meals always followed by pudding, a well-stocked snack cupboard/biscuit tin in each home. Almost like they were making up for the first 18 years of their lives being so strict! I personally think that restrictive upbringing contributed hugely to their difficulties with food. They have all taken a much more positive/open stance regarding food with their children and, again interestingly, none of their children (in their 20s) are obese/overweight.

Wow a 4 stone weight loss is quite something!

I think issues with food very often stem from childhood. The idea of using food as a reward or a treat, for example, creates a positive feedback loop around food and can really encourage the brain to crave this sort of ‘reward’ food when feeling down as you grow up.

As you say, lots of control around food growing up can be really negative.

Probably most importantly your mother’s attitude to food and dieting and her own self image is so important. It’s so crucial if you have daughters to pretend to be happy with yourself and your body even if you’re not, and to set an example of being fit and healthy and strong. Never let them see you saying I hate my fat tummy, I’m on a diet etc etc.

Try and be proud of yourself and enjoy doing and eating healthy things around your young children so they learn good habits.

Yes you’re absolutely right, I suppose it is quite sad that nothing makes me happier than food
It is the addiction, it is how your brain is programmed.
Nothing makes a smoker happier than finally having the cigarette they craved for hours.
Nothing makes a heroin addict happier than scoring a bag of quality smack, Similar to an alcoholic nothing makes them happier than opening their first drink, with addiction your fix feels so good then the guilt sets in and groundhog day restarts.
Addiction is separate to a person, we forget that and believe it is our make up.

My DM is morbidly obese. After 75 years of chronically disordered eating and warped attitude to her health, it's all coming home to roost.

She has Type 2 diabetes, heart problems, leg ulcers & lynphodema, high blood pressure, osteoarthritis. I could go on. Yesterday she was taken into hospital with symptoms that in a healthy person would be manageable from home, but with her conditions and weight, made it logistically impossible. It took 2 strong male paramedics and me to move her off the bed.

I love her dearly but at this stage am very pragmatic about her prognosis and the state she's in. Raising the issue with her has always resulted in tears and denial so I just don't discuss it anymore. Rather I just make sure I keep myself as fit and healthy as possible.

Sorry if I sound like a dreadful daughter. I just get exhausted by the merry go round of medical problems her weight creates

When some one is morbidly obese it means they are really unwell. Either mentally or physically. We have a tendency in this country to never talk about incase it brings shame but it really does need talking about and proper money spent on healing it.

So many factors -

Low income
Poor education
Mental health issues
Physical issues.

I see it just has bad as being an alcoholic or a drug abuser. They are killing them selves. I have a family member who has put so much weight on in the past three years they are unrecognisable. They are 39 and have two kids. This person can’t run about with their kids or do normal things because they are exhausted just walking up the stairs. The only time I see happiness is when they are eating. They don’t enjoy a meal they shovel it down getting out of breath till it’s all gone and they are sat sweating. When they go to the GP he gently tells them they need to lose weight. I wish they would be stern and frank with them and tell them they have an eating disorder and offer some kind of counselling/therapy.

There is a line between loving your body and admitting your physically unwell.

I also work with a man who has to be about 35+ stone. His legs are bad and full of ulcers and his Dd is ‘always nagging him to lose weight’ yet he will go to the pub at lunch have fish and chips washed down with a pint. She’s scared to death he will die soon but that won’t even help.

These people need help not pretending it’s all fine

To comment about other posters saying 'butt out' or 'they're an adult, their decision' that is just sticking your head in the sand.
The reality is that DM is on her own and I am therefore one that has to drop everything and run to her aid when one of her conditions flares up. I have to listen to how awful she feels, how much everything hurts but refusing to do anything to help herself.

As with so many other addictions the effects of morbid obesity hugely impacts on other people and "leaving them to it" is very rarely an option

I think a lot of people are very unsympathetic to overweight people and even more judgemental than regarding people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs. My SILs husband is massively overweight. He is also highly intelligent, understands all the risks and does not want to be obese. But knowing the facts and changing are two very different things.
I've met this guy's family and they are all obese, apart from one sister who suffers from bulimia and is (currently) very thin. So he has had unhealthy eating habits since infancy and you don't need to be a psychologist to be able to spot the dysfunctional behaviours in the family either. Joining a slimming group is not going to fix all that.
Another problem I've noticed that he has is that when he does lose weight it is barely noticeable and the task must seem impossibly big. I'd put on quite a lot of weight in the last couple of years, due to a combination of medication I was on, not being able to exercise normally due to ill health, and yes, I'd been eating too much. But one day I decided it had to stop, put myself on a diet, started getting back to some exercise and within a few months I was back down to my previous weight. And being showered with praise by my friends and family. My SIL's DH could lose double what I have and I bet nobody would comment. It must be soul destroying.
Plus I found it a bit embarrassing to be seen exercising at my heaviest, but for him it is almost impossible to find suitable clothing and if he attempts to jog around the block he gets abused and made fun of. His weight loss attempts are physically and psychologically way harder than mine, but I get treated like a hero and he is made fun of. No wonder he gives up!
Our whole society makes it hard for people to maintain a healthy weight. In infancy and early childhood being bigger is seen as positive. Big babies are bonny babies. Constantly being asked about your baby's weight gain gives the clear message that more is good. Good children drink all their milk and later clear their plates at meal times. Good behaviour is rewarded with food. Food is used as bribery.Then wham, all of a sudden it is good to be thin. Fat children are lazy. Kids who aren't sporty aren't popular. Girls with more than 3% body fat will never get a boyfriend.....and so on. Is it any wonder there are so many people who have messed up relationships with food? And like a lot of other public health issues, whilst the information is available and in theory at least support is there, actual, real, meaningful help can be difficult to come by. A few food swaps and advice to eat less and move more cannot address the complex issues that underpin many people's eating problems.
I don't know what the answer is.I would love to be able to help my SIL's DH as he is a really nice guy and I worry about him, particularly now he has a young son to care for. But what I do know is that oversimplifying things and in particular, trying to shame or scare people into weight loss doesn't help. I have seen so many people try that approach and in the vast majority of cases it only makes things worse.

I've spent more than half my life fluctuating between being a healthy weight, overweight and obese and it's really interesting reading other people's opinions on this thread. I feel like I've tried every diet under the sun but eventually I decided to try weight loss therapy – a lot of practises offer a discount for it. It's been really helpful talking to someone about the scientific reasons behind why I've never been able to maintain a diet or a healthy weight. People can talk about willpower or 'just doing it' as much as they like but the truth is that, like most forms of substance abuse, the reasons are almost always psychological. I think there's only so much you can say to someone to help them, but they have to decide to help themselves in the first place.

I dont think it is usual to get food addiction from upbringing ie learned behaviour. Even the parents who restricted their children's food didn't necessarily cause the food addiction. Its a physical reaction to certain foods (or, in the case of alcoholics, booze). Most people can eat certain foods and know when they're full, a food addict will have the physical addiction triggered when they eat those foods and won't be able to stop because of a very powerful physical craving. (and with, say, booze, most of us probably drank to major excess in our student days but most were able to leave excess drinking behind - some couldn't because of a physical reaction that triggered inherent physical addiction).

The parents who loathed fatness probably had the food addiction (much like eg people who loathe eg homosexuality probably have those leanings themselves they can't /won't acknowledge). Loathing is based on fear.

I think I was born with a sensitivity to certain foods, it made no difference how food was treated in my childhood home. Obviously, our parents can definitely cause a disordered view of food, which can cause a lot of trouble going forward. But that isn't the usual way someone is an addict.

Isn't there a difference between physical and psychological dependence though springydaff?
Both my parents smoked through most of their adult lives but I think my Mum was physically addicted and my Dad wasn't. He gave up literally overnight and whilst he missed it as a habit, he didn't find it a physical challenge to stop. She found it very difficult to quit, and even decades later had cravings. He could probably have had one cigarette years later and left it at that. If she had had one, she would have been a smoker again. She always described herself as a smoker who had stopped, never a non smoker.
I don't know if my SIL's DH is physically addicted to food but I think he has a huge psychological dependence on it. He tells me that his Mum always used food as a reward for whichever of her offspring was the current golden child, and would summararily withdraw "treats" along with her affection. It has to have had an impact. They also had a very chaotic upbringing with no regular mealtimes and lots of high calorie snacks, so I don't think he ever learned normal eating habits. He continually grazes and says that he finds it hard to stick to eating regular meals. That may not be a physical addiction but it is definitely a habit he has so far been unable to unlearn.

I think a lot of people are very unsympathetic to overweight people and even more judgemental than regarding people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs

True. Most wouldn't dream of approaching someone they knew was using drugs, or an alcoholic, and offer advice. But with weight their horns come out and they want to lecture, disguised as 'advice'. Even thread replies generally you can sense a little bit of smugness. As if being slim makes you an obesity guru. It doesn't. To get to the root of an unhappy relationship with food and lack of motivation in dealing with that, is for the professionals trained to help and advise. They'll know what language and words to use to encourage someone and not make them feel like crap. .