To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

I'm obese. I spent a proportion of my early adult life self harming and contemplating suicide due to family members trying to 'help'

People know they're obese people constantly pointing out and making suggestions does not help people it makes them feel 100 times worse as your family should love and support you no matter what you look like. By bringing it up you will create a problem.

So no sit down, keep quiet unless you are asked

No I wouldn't if any of them were. However with covid 19 killing off so many obese people now would be a good time for them to start eating a lot less.

I've worked with morbidly obese people..they have to want to help themselves

if you believe it’s MH why would you just think “leave them to it” was a good thing to do

Are you a mental health professional? If someone "eats their feelings" do you think that bringing up their weight and possibly making them feel bad about it would help?

I’m in that position. I haven’t said anything, no. I think anything I could say on the matter would be counterproductive. I’m very worried about this person, but I don’t know what to do.

Years ago I had a dear work colleague who was severely anorexic. I was in exactly the same position there. Sadly she died.

I think some people like to see themselves as saviours who can really “get through to” people who they see as behaving in a way that needs correcting. Those people are invariably wrong.

What do you think you will achieve, exactly, and what were you planning to do?
If they're your DC and a minor, then help them and implement healthy eating/exercise plans.
If they're not, then support them where it's wanted - if they ask for help, or if they need a gymn buddy, that sort of thing.
Otherwise, I can't think of anything you could do which wouldn't just make things worse.

Do you think they're not aware of their weight, and the risks it carries? Or are you expecting some kind of epiphany where they suddenly realise that they ought to try losing weight?

if you believe it’s MH why would you just think “leave them to it” was a good thing to do

Because with any mental health problem, lecturing someone and telling them what to do to fix it is only going to make matters worse.

How exactly do you think your input is going to help your relative?

No, you don't, because there's nothing anyone can do about it except themselves. We know we're fat and there's clearly something stopping us (along with millions other people) because it isn't actually as easy as slim/not-obese people think it is, or we would have done it by now.

I am 'the fat person' in my family and I am incredibly grateful that none of them have ever mentioned it to me. If I mention that I'm trying to do something to be healthier I'm met with nothing but encouragement, but none of them would dream of suggesting anything to me without being prompted to, it might come from a good place but it's unnecessary and cruel.

We have a family member who is morbidly obese. Based on zoom, is currently getting larger.

I wouldn't ignore somebody starving themself to death. So I find it difficult to ignore somebody eating themselves to death.

However, having known this person a long time it is clear that the only time they lose weight is when they want to. Anything we say or do just causes distress to all.

It's not good as it is, for anybody, but it is what it is. Their Covid odds would be bad if they were slim (they tick lots of risk boxes).

I can see your point op. If someone is anorexic we don't just leave them to starve themselves to death because they 'must know' and 'are an adult'.
I don't know what the answer is op. I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

@Xenia well yes- quite . It would help us all a great deal to lose weight .

But in an environment where a great many of us have no money, no job, loss of support networks, no people around us, less ability to get outdoors or use a gym or swimming etc ...not to mention the fact that some of us are being actively told to isolate for 12 weeks so can’t easily get fresh food ...

Do you really imagine anyone will find it easy to lose weight just now ?!

I’m very lucky to have lost 35lb since Christmas . About 15 of that was lost through sheer terror with this , which isn’t healthy at all . I’ve got another 3 stone before my BMI is 35 . With the best will in the world I can’t lose that within the next few weeks .

The cut off for proning treatment afaik is actually a BMI of 35 afaik - and NHS colleagues are saying elevated risk starts at a BMI of 30, and covers people who have increased adipose tissue/body fat as well (who may not look all that big) as all those who are clinically obese . So it’s just not us with a BMI of 40 who are at risk - it’s a huge, huge wedge of western society .

Depends which family member- my spouse I'd encourage to exercise togther, make healthier meals, not have crap in the house.

A lot of my family are extremely overweight. They own it like it’s the way our family is built, I have always been slimmer and panic putting on weight. However, they’re all professionals who have poor eating habits ie. don’t eat enough grab quick foods eat really late snack as opposed to eat substantial food. I don’t care if they’re overweight I love them all. They don’t let on they care occasionally make jokes about having more to love. I would never comment on their weight ever!

My obesity is a subject for myself, my doctor, and any other professionals I choose to consult. There is absolutely no purpose to pointing out my weight. I am well aware of what I look like and the health implications. My doctor and I are also the only people who know my full medical history and the myriad complications those bring to my weight.

So barring one or two of you the experience of being in this situation is that everyone ignores it and carries on and would do the same if it was alcohol or anorexia or anything else.

I’m a little shocked at some of the rather horrid assumptions being made about me. I was really just interested in how other families interacted rather than asking for advice on my own situation.

My DM is morbidly obese and we have tried so many times to tell her that she needs to adjust her lifestyle. She is in denial and says she eats sensibly when we all can see the unhealthy food she has in her fridge. She has now been diagnosed with heart failure, at 75, which I’m sure is down to her obesity. I lost my DF to lung cancer after he refused to give up his 40 a day cigarette habit, and it makes me cross that DM is going the same way due to poor lifestyle choices.

The cut off for proning treatment afaik is actually a BMI of 35 afaik
What do you mean by this? Someone won't be put on a ventilator if they have a bmi of 35+?

Got them a slimming world membership for Xmas and they've lost 3 stone.

I think phoning just means you’re on your stomach.

Sorry i don't understand.

pRoning not phoning

Oh ok I've googled it

The article i read said it's a risky technique anyway as it can lead to heart attack

If they ask for help, offer it. Otherwise, STFU. And it's not the same as alcoholism nor drug addiction. Both of those can have horrible and tragic consequences for innocent people. Obesity generally only affects the individual. Yes, it can have consequences for a spouse or children, but not to the extent that alcoholism or drug addiction do.

My adult son became quite overweight in connection with PTSD. Trying to talk to him (with gentleness) only drove him away and made it worse. But when we saw that he was losing weight we said simply "Hey, you look like you're losing weight!" with no 'You look better" or any type of judgment. Because he didn't feel forced or 'judged' he then enlisted our help and support in his weight loss.

He's now about 5 lbs under his 'goal' and his eating and exercise habits have improved. Because he made up his mind and 'did the work' himself it's also helped his PTSD and depression.