To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

I’m in the obese category and quite frankly it wouldn’t make any difference to my weight if a family member nagged me about it because it’s up to me to do something about my weight when I decide I want to and not a moment before.

I’ve been overweight for half my life - I’ve never smoked, I don’t drink or take drugs but I’ve always loved my food and taken far too much comfort in it. It’s a hard habit to break, especially when I use food as an emotional crutch. I eat when I’m happy and I eat when I’m sad. There is nothing in my life that comes close to making me feel happy like food does - so it’s not as simple as telling me to ‘eat less’, it’s effectively telling me that I have to be miserable in order to keep other people happy.

OP, really there is nothing helpful you could have done. I’m speaking as someone who was formerly very heavy and now have lost a lot of weight. I would not have appreciated someone trying to address this with me.

There are two people who were helpful to me. One was a neighbour who just casually asked me if I might fancy trying out her gym. Not a word about my weight etc, just a friendly invitation which led to me going there with her regularly.

The other one was my doctor, who spoke to me about health concerns but sensitively and without shaming. It still took me a while to take that on board but her understanding and non-judgemental approach made it easy for me to come back to her for support when I was ready. No finger wagging, no blaming, just figuring out what was best to do.

I have a friend who is morbidly obese. It is extremely hard to see her get heavier and less able year on year but when we order takeout she will order and eat 3 dishes.

She is constantly talking about other people who have gained weight and says that if she was that size she would sort it out. The fact is that these people are probably 4 or 5 stone lighter than her.

I did bring it up once when a mutant friend had a heart attack. I said that I was reviewing my diet and exercise and I wondered if she would want to do it with me because I was really shaken up by what had happened and I was worried about her health too. She started but gave up after a couple of days.

It really is down to the individual to make the choice to change or not. Sadly for those who love them we can only support from the sidelines

They're obese, not stupid.

Stating the obvious makes no difference, so no, I don't say anything.

My mother has been obese for most of her adult life. She recently lost a great deal of weight and has started working out, and that is a direct result of me being open with her about my concerns for her longterm quality of life, her happiness, and health. I expressed my fear over her dying an early death or living with longterm health problems caused by her obesity and frailty. On a practical side, I reminded her that if and when the time comes for her to have extra help as she grows older that help will most likely come from me (financially and otherwise) and therefore she owes it to me to be as healthy and as strong as possible. Talking about the impact that someone's poor health choices have on the rest of the family isn't easy, but I think it was the wakeup call that she needed. My mother recently spent a few years taking care of her terminally ill sister, whose illness was directly caused by her poor eating and lifestyle choice. I think realising that she could impart that same burden on me caused her to change her habits.

We have a very open family and don't shy away from talking about hard subjects. But I would only feel comfortable about talking to a family member about their weight if I was very close to them and if their choices could impact my future.

I don't think it is a loved ones intention is to point out the obvious, I'd assume their intention is out of love show supports even if it is unwanted to try to stop someone they love killing themself.
All addiction drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, food, stem from some emotional or neuro issue.
The 12 step program for each are similar. I try not to judge the above addict's they aren't very different and all have their reasons.

I'm someone who has struggled with obesity and eating disorders from my early teens.

I was an early developer who had an adult body from 11 which was obviously bigger than most of my peers and the hassle I got from my mum and others led to eating disorders.

I became obese in my 30s and I knew I was fat but ignored and minimised how bad it was. It took gentle discussion with a GP to set me onto the path of weight loss.

I never weighed myself and wore lots of elastic waists and baggy tops so didn't see how much weight I was gaining. I was also mindlessly eating without keeping track of the calories I was consuming and it came as a huge shock when I started tracking calories to see how many calories I was eating. I wish someone had made me see how bad things had got.

I have one close friend who would hassle me about my activity levels, doing small things like parking as far away from the entrance to somewhere because I needed to walk or hassling me for using an escalator instead of stairs. It damaged the relationship to the point I didn't want to spend time with her.

People gently encouraging me and doing things like exercising with me would have helped a lot.

If anyone had gave me a slimming world subscription for Christmas they would have been told where to stick it and cut out of my life immediately.

I've only ever said something when they've started complaining about it. Then At that point I've encourage them that it is possible to change but it's up to them, but complaining won't change anything itself.

Surely overeating a lot of the time is like people who are alcoholic or drug addicts. They have to be ready to change, you can't make them change.
So obviously if they ask for support then you help them but I wouldn't bring it up otherwise.

I have a morbidly obese family member. She's a nurse so must know better than me how bad this is for her.

For a while we were walking together but that's obviously stopped now. I wouldn't do any more than ask her if she wants to go for s walk, it's not my place.

It's extra worrying just now, your chances of beating covid are reduced by a high bmi. But she knows this, she doesn't need me telling her.

She's the same age as me, it's sad that she is stuck in this very different body. I know she doesn't like it

I have lost three family members, two morbidly or more probably super obese. Both were housebound, my DM aged 58 who by the time went to hospital had terminal cancer although she had symptoms for over two years but refused to leave the house. My niece aged 42 with type 2 diabetes complications. My dad was 69 and type 2 diabetes complications but he was probably obese but had lost mobility because he would not stop drinking he was warned amputation of his feet was highly probably so he drank some more. TBH he wanted to die at this point. I still honestly do not know even with hindsight if we could go back in time what the answer would be.

I lost a beloved family member to a heart attack. They were morbidly obese.
One of my last conversations with them was a tentative (very tentative) attempt to get them help.
"I love you but I don't want to fall out with you like I have with [other close family member]".
I miss them so much and part of me wishes I'd pushed it. But they were an adult and had to make their own decisions. They knew I and other people who loved them would support any steps they wanted to take to tackle it. Or would just love them anyway.
I still miss them though.

That’s so sad, boulshired.

And bellini and others who have lost loved ones.

that is so sad that nothing makes you happier than food

Is it?

Food/cooking is my favourite thing in the world.

Dh is obese. I try buying healthy foods etc, encourage exercise etc. Doesn’t stop him eating rubbish and sitting and watching Netflix all day. You can only do so much. They need to do it for themselves.

“ for those people who are saying ‘mind your own business’, would you do so if the person in question was an alcoholic or drug addict?”

I addressed this prior to your post actually. Just as with obesity, I would want to be VERY SURE of myself that I was the right person to intervene. Because the alternative is doing more harm. It would be arrogant to just assume that I personally had the magical words at the right time that would get someone to change their behaviour. And it might be that I am the right person, but I wouldn’t automatically make that assumption.

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A little over two years ago now I was that friend . I weighed over 22 stone and was a size 26 - my best friend with a gorgeous size 10 figure (since we were 16) never said a word because she knew I wasn’t strong enough to hear it.

I wasn’t - I was and still am battling agoraphobia, PTSD , OCD and I ate to fill the hole inside me . I would start a Fad diet then hit a depressive patch and the only way I could cope was to binge eat as much as possible like I was trying to fill the emptiness inside of me .

It never worked of course. To be honest I’m not quite sure what changed , but it was as if something snapped inside of me , and I realised I wanted more- so I quietly brought an exercise bike and a treadmill and every night between 7 and 9 when I would usually binge eat I started to exercise in our spare bedroom. I discovered low impact dvds , davina McCall daily ones and it grew to my love of yoga, Pilates and kettle ball workouts.

I’m still on my weightloss journey - I’m now 14 stone 9 and a size 14-16 and before lockdown I discovered what really helped me especially my mental health was going off out into the local woodland and countryside with the dogs and disappearing for hours .

This whole time my best friend has been nothing but a constant support , my cheerleader and when I’ve slipped up and binged she will remind me how far I’ve come and how hard I have worked .
She’s told me openly how frustrated and scared she was , but she loved me for more than my weight and I needed to want to change . Just be a good friend and when they ask for help - be there.

I am morbidly obese. My DH. does most of shopping and cooking and he is tall and thin. He tends to cook healthy meals and always makes me a bowl of porridge with banana every morning too. I asked him a while ago to keep a record of my weight on a weekly basis so that I have some accountability but he does not judge or look disapproving if my weight had gone up. He might say" do you know why" and we discuss it sensibly.