To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

Handsoffisback You’ve not really been reading responses have you?

The best thing someone could have done for me would have been consistent support with the things that were making me so dreadfully unhappy and lonely . One of my relatives once said that I sorely lacked nurturing in childhood and teens which makes absolute sense to me - my parents weren’t capable of that and no one else really cared enough ... So somebody sort of doing that - taking me out for walks, weekends away, and just talking to me and helping me . I’m dyspraxic too so if someone could have shown me how to exercise in a way that worked for me - no one ever has so I don’t bother exercising .

I think if I’d had real, proper help I would never have looked for comfort in food .

Best GP I’ve ever had was extremely blunt - able to tell me exactly what she thought of things . With her support I did lose six stone . Unfortunately when she was no longer my GP, I gained it all back - and now back in same position I was as a child . You’d think as an adult I’d know what to do but I don’t .

This is my older sister. She was never particularly slim, but until she was about 18 you'd just describe her as "chunky", but then once she started living independently, she got bigger and bigger. She had trouble with my parents having a go about her weight, but I always stayed out of it. Do I wish she was slimmer, for her sake? Absolutely. Is it ANY of my business? NOPE.

I also have a very dear friend who is even bigger. She's always been very large, ever since we were teenagers, and is now bigger than she has ever been. Have I EVER mentioned her weight to her face? NO. Again, what she chooses to do to herself is her business.

In both cases, they are intelligent, sensible women, but you can't change someone who doesn't want to change.

I disagree when people suggest that all obese people are aware. I have a work friend who recently told me she is 22stone. She was apparently bigger in younger years and seems very body confident at her current weight. Her fitness is very compromised, she is breathless and she doesn’t walk well and struggles with stairs. She often complains of joint problems but doesn’t appear to make the link with her weight. When we have cake days at work, she will eat three or four portions of cake in a 15min break. Occasionally, she will say she is on a health kick and this will involve snacking on whole 500ml of yoghurt in the 15min break.

I’ll probably be told that I’m judging her. That’s not my intention, I notice that her health is suffering as a result of her weight. Maybe she is just acting like she doesn’t notice? Maybe she is in denial? I don’t think she has a good understanding of portion sizes or nutrition. I’m not sure.

I’d be happy to help encourage her to lose weight, offer advice, walk with her or cheer her on to become a healthier and more mobile version of herself.

However, the fact that it is taboo to mention weight means I will never comment or try to help.

Yet if my friend was making bad choices with relationships or alcohol or drugs or whatever, we would talk about it. Why is food and exercise so different?

Handsoff...... the general picture for me is slowly losing. I am about 20 lbs less today than I was a year ago but am not dieting as such. I think portion sizes are part of it. I have prove for breakfast and soup for lunch and get home often quite hungry so have a big evening meal. We are a BIG family with 6'7 DH and 3 very tall teenagers. A 6'3" DD but they are all slim. They also all eat like horses which is hard as I don't want to have no snacks around for them but know I will eat them if there. I was an overweight child in a family where no one else was ( my mum blames the brand of powdered milk I had as a baby!!!!) After yoyo diets all my life since my teens, I am now just trying to be sensible and also get my DH to monitor. I have literally just had a message pop up saying he needs today's weight!!!

porridge not proof!

Have you tried OA lesbi? Virtual meetings at the mo, free. Everyone in the same boat, a great deal of recovery.

@Goatinthegarden but she's a work friend. She's unlikely to say to you I feel I'm obese. Generally in workplaces you try and get through the day without people commenting.

I have a terrible relationship with food and that is due in large part to my family constantly commenting on my weight/ body (positively and negatively) throughout my childhood. This led to terrible coping mechanisms, one of which was emotional eating.

My weight has gone up and down my entire adult life. And I always tend to be fatter the longer I am around certain family members. It was SO counter productive of them- the more they tried to shame me about my weight, the more I went home and comfort ate. I am deemed “unsociable” by the wider family because I no longer have much to do with the worst offenders who feel the need to comment on my body every time I see them.

I have asked for help with my weight, but DH can't change his behaviours to help me. He buys (almost compulsively) junk food but then eats only a sensible amount. I don't buy junk but struggle to ignore it when it's building up in the house.

OP, I'd say if other people were driving/facilitating the behaviour then maybe you have a point. You can avoid compounding the problem, you can't make them deal with it.

I went up to 17 stone, i had been very ill, i had post viral chronic fatigue and didn't realise. The hospital was telling me not to worry as I gained more and I wish they had said that I had to address it. None of my family commented. I needed support.

As I physically recovered, i lost a bit, I'm now around 14 stone. I'm still healthy eating but can't weigh myself because I use the scales in Boots.

My Sister is obese, has been for 30 years. I've spoken to her since this virus started about weight, mine included, because it's a co-morbidity. She's nearly 65, diabetic and probably has high bp etc. He leads a good life, good retirement income, has lots of friends, so should want to keep going as long as possible. But has no interest in looking at her weight from a health pov.

I'd always try to see if there was anything I could to support whatevers going on, but then leave it.

My brother is morbidly obese and my Mother really used to get on at him all of the time. He used to eat the meal she had cooked then go to his bedroom and order a take away too! He has bought a house with his DP now and moved out so my Mum can’t bitch at him so much anymore. He’s still morbidly obese and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. Issue is his GF is also obese so they sit and eat crap together and seem happy with that.

Should note my brother used to be very active and a healthy weight as did his DP (she was actually an extremely slender ballet dancer a few years ago). They’ve both just got into the habit of eating junk none stop and driving everywhere.

My mum is morbidly obese and it is causing medical problems.

She knows she is morbidly obese. She knows it is causing medical problems. She doesn't need me telling her on top of the drs telling her.

If she mentions it we will talk about it. She isn't prepared to change her diet even though she needs to. To be honest she would probably lose a fair amount if she just reduced her portion sizes, but she doesn't make the change. She is very stressed and going through a lot at the moment which is making her health problems worse and is now stuck in a cycle. Her health is making it very difficult to do even basic exercise, not doing basic exercise is making her health worse. She is in a very stressful situation that literally can't be changed and is depressed, so she has no desire to change her eating. Her weight is making her stress and depression worse.

I offer her support with the stressful situation, but it is something that cannot be resolved (related to mental health of a family member, in and out of psychiatric care).

So yes, unless she mentions it, I completely ignore it.

@princesstwinkle I guess, but we have pretty cozy chats about all other areas of life and we meet up regularly outside of work. I just said work friend because we met at work and see each other there every day (when not locked down).

I suppose what I mean, is that discussions about weight seems to be something that is just off limits. Even though I could tell my friends loads of home truths pretty bluntly (and they would do the same back to me) I would never, ever comment on weight.

Over-eating to the point of obesity is really damaging to health and hugely affects quality of life, self esteem and mobility. So why do we shy around weight issues?

Apparently according to this thread, you ignore it.

I would only do actively something if it was a partner or my own children. However, any other person in my family or friends I would leave alone, but first I would make it very clear that I would not become a carer or an enabler if they ate themselves to disability. No input on their weight, no input in suffering its consequences.

Goatinthegarden, probably because there's no right way to tackle the conversation. When people go upto level 2 of obesity, rarely isn't it linked to mental health. We used to shy away from MH, which is why we shy away from mentioning weight.

If you'd talk about them starting to drink/gamble too much, then I think you could ask if they are overeating and why that's happening.

have you seen those American documentaries such as My 600lb life?
Those documentaries were heart breaking and shocking I'd never seen a person in RL as big when the program aired.
Like supersize me, unfortunately those images are are no longer shocking, I often see people not far from it in real life now.
My friend in work is 28 stone, she eats a healthy lunch finishes at 11pm and heads for a takeaway every night. It is sad she is in her 50's on a cocktail of meditation, has a special chair, she groans when trying to stand. Her DH and DC are the same.

BTW, as a food addict, I don't take well to anyone making ANY comment about my weight, positive or negative. Eg "well done!" is dodgy for me, my impulse/compulsion is to reach for the food. I dont even like my sponsor making positive comments!

I am, thank god, a normal weight thanks to 12-step (OA) but I will never have a normal relationship with food - just like an alcoholic with booze. The difference is we all have to eat every day - unlike an alcoholic who doesn't have to drink to stay physically alive. I do currently have the peace of abstinence (eg no mental obsessing, probably the worst part of any addiction: where/when is my next fix. The misery of compulsion ) and what a joy it is! But I will never be able to eat certain foods because they will immediately reactivate my addiction - just like an alcoholic having one drink.

Sorry to proseltyze. Its hard not to wax lyrical when you've found a solution. OA works.

Actually everyone has to drink to stay alive, they just don’t have to drink alcohol,where as everyone also needs to eat to stay alive, they also don’t need to eat junk, fatty stuff, sugary stuff etc.

I’m really not understanding this myth you don’t need to drink to stay alive, of course you do, in that regard it’s not different to food. It’s what you chose to eat or drink that’s the issue.