To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

Depending who it was I think I would try to talk to them about it. You’re obviously not going to go on and on about it as some posters suggest but if it was one of my parents or DH I would definitely say how worried I was about the impact on their health and ask if there’s anything I could do to help motivate them to lose weight. I don’t think I could say nothing if it was someone I cared about.

Well said RainCheck !!!

They’d put you on a ventilator but proning (where you’re on your front) I think the cut off is BMI 35 as risk to you too high . I’m not sure if that’s policy for every patient or if it’s done on individual basis . It’s the one time I wish half my social circle didn’t work in hospitals/ITU !!

Ventilation risks increased with weight in general - but also age, smoking status, all sorts of stuff . GP said worst risk is men in their 50s with hypertension, T2DB, higher cholesterol levels and large abdomen .

I used to exercise with my aunt to encourage her to keep it up, but that was at her request. She was well aware that she was obese and unfit, and wanted to do something to improve her fitness.

I wouldn't start telling anyone to eat differently or exercise. Obese people know they're obese. It's not up to me to tell relatives what they should be doing.

To be honest OP who is it and what is their connection to you?
How old are they?
Is there a reason you know of that may increase their weight e.g medical condition, medication, disorders?
What would you do/say to broach the subject?

These questions are absolutely key in this thread until they are answered people won't give you honest answers

I’m a recovering anorexic OP. I can tell you right now that the wrong people staging the wrong kind of “intervention” for that, thinking they are saving you from yourself, is also counterproductive. I imagine it’s the same for alcoholics, I have no experience. It’s not necessarily about doing nothing, it’s accepting that you may not be the person who can do anything to help and in trying to do so you might actually be making things worse.

I’m not “planning” anything twinkle I’m interested in other people’s family dynamic. I wonder if there are families where these sorts of problems/difficulties are discussed openly to the benefit of all, or if all families either are abusive about it (as shockingly seems to be the go to idea of my “role”) or studiously ignore it.

Being morbidly obese, I can say that any comments or suggestions that are well meant just don't go down well. Although acknowledged it just makes me feel down and not worthy and triggers my over eating.

@MrMannersIsAwful your OP indicates you were hence why you have these replies...

Anyway I've never known anyone benefit from a family member starting a discussion. As I said my own experiences were horrific but understand not all families are like that.

To be honest until someone comes to you or even another family member and says they want help I don't feel like it should be offered.

The only thing you could do for example is say to them I'm thinking of going swimming, walking the dog, going to gravity force, doing the walk for life, would you like to come with me? -> this is a positive way to say something, you're not mentioning their weight your proposing a fun activity which in the long run would help them loose some weight if you did it on a regular basis.

It is a very delicate balance and should be treated as such

My spouse or my child (under 18), then yes I would talk to them about it.

Anyone else, then no. I wouldn't. Fat people know they are fat, and usually know what they should or shouldn't do to change that, they don't need it pointing out.

If someone approached me for advice (and they do, as I've lost a lot of weight myself in the past) then I could tell them what worked for me but that's it.

“ I’m interested in other people’s family dynamic. I wonder if there are families where these sorts of problems/difficulties are discussed openly to the benefit of all, or if all families either are abusive about it (as shockingly seems to be the go to idea of my “role”) or studiously ignore it.”

What is your name experience with your own family, OP? People have opened up with quite personal experiences here

I think the problem here is abusive behaviour over weight is rarely if ever recognised as abusive by the abuser. So honestly I think a lot of people irl might tell you they discuss it appropriately and openly but in reality they are vile about it.

I've gone over the last year from obese to a healthy weight and a BMI of 19. I can honestly tell you I have never had anyone approach it with me who did a blind bit of good.

From my experience it was never really out of love , it was about a societal reaction to fat. Now maybe there genuinely are people who are concerned and support for the right reasons, honestly they are few and far between, the majority are people who need to "help" for their own reasons and couch it in terms of love or help as a vehicle for control or abuse.

You are getting strong reactions I suspect because your phrasing has been heard before and often doesnt end well (not to mention being so circumspect about why you are bringing this up....whilst that's your right dont be surprised that it makes people suspicious)

So the answer is I think lots of people might answer that they have helped a family member but a lot of them would be very different if you spoke to the family member themselves.

Just to be clear the person I am thinking about is dead (totally unrelated to their weight) I was wondering if they felt alone with this part of their life and if other families behaved differently and if that was better. There is no plan to confront anyone or reveal they are overweight (bizarre) or tell them how to live their lives. All there is, is a nagging feeling that we didn’t handle that well.

It depends on who in the family they were.
Dsis was obese from a DC to her thirties, she lost 5st 5 years ago. I never said anything to her I probably would if she had of continued her life style and her health was at risk.
She wasn't depressed she just loved food, never felt full and was allowed to finish our leftovers as a DC. She retrained her body, she never realised hunger passes it is a feeling that passes, it is not a sign of starvation.

My sister is morbidly obese. It’s a really difficult situation, I don’t want to interfere. But can’t just sit back and watch her eat herself to death.

I‘ve only ever brought it up recently- she was showing signs of potentially having coronavirus. I told her I was worried she is more at risk because if her weight. Because I am very scared for her and if it was any other health issue I would say something, so why not obesity?

She is a single parent of a small child and it scares me to think the child won’t have a parent around if she doesn’t do something about her size.

OP, if their death was unrelated to their weight then why does it matter how you handled it? If you're regretting things you did or didn't do then I'm sorry because I know how it feels to ruminate after a loved one has died

However the majority of us who are overweight/obese/have struggled with our weight have said that we'd hate for someone to try and intervene/mention our weight as we're fully aware of it, but we don't need a handhold or someone to 'help us through'. I do think that if someone needs help then they will come to you for it, like @WyfOfBathe 's aunt

Everyone who's obese know they need to lose weight so I wouldn't say anything. But if you are really concerned could you start going for walks together - maybe paint it that you have no one to walk with.

Dsis was happy in her world until a wedding invite arrived. It was sad to see.
I don't know what kick started her sweet bag replaced with blueberries.
Tbf I think her change for coke to coke zero really helped too.

Sorry just read your update - honestly, after someone dies it is normal to say maybe I should have done this or that or was this person lonely or happy etc.

valley clouds on thread explaining she is obese and she knows it, the varied reasons why. & that she'd perhaps feel attacked a little if a relative kept going on about her weight. Her comment was detailed and insightful. Your answer to her was short/terse & you blithely moved on.

You clearly don't have the approach and empathy. & You're not a listener. Without these awareness skills you're not best placed to advise an obese person - talking at someone, and from from your own perspective at that, isn't the way. It's a 2 way street

Hopefully your relative will reach a point of being ready to make life changes, & will talk to appropriately trained professionals.

Unless they are mentally very slow. They know. You don't need to tell them. they also know what to do about it. But the battle is hard. Only someone who has been that big and lost and regained a number of times how hard it is! Yup that would be me. On the way down again at least. Nearly just overweight now 😁

My mum has been overweight since childhood. About ten years ago she reached the level of being obese and I was worried about how unhealthy she was - she waddled when she walked, got out of breath on stairs etc. Luckily she brought the subject up herself and I took the opportunity to say I was concerned she would be immobile in later life, something she's always said she would hate. I think it shocked her I really thought that could happen. It turned out later that my sister also spoke to her about it. She did go on a diet and lost loads of weight, half of which has since gone back on, but she's never got back to such an unhealthy place again.
It definitely helped that she broached the subject first though - I don't think I would have said anything otherwise. I was also very conscious to focus on health rather than appearance.

The usual load of incredibly patronising, ill informed, twaddle re obesity.

It's not a choice for all of us, it's not a matter of 'wanting to lose weight', it's not a matter of 'eating less' it's not a matter of 'trying harder'....

NONE of you could help in any way & none of your incredibly patronising advice/encouragement or 'having a word' is going to make a blind bit of difference to the fact that my body works (or rather *doesn't work) the way it does.

Your patronising comments,ridiculous assumptions& general offensiveness doesn't help anyone

...and Xenia DFOD

“But if you are really concerned could you start going for walks together - maybe paint it that you have no one to walk with.”

This is a sweet idea and certainly coming from a place of kindness I am sure, but most people would see through this and might find it patronising so you still might not get the reaction you’re hoping for