To ask you if you have a family member you really love who is morbidly obese do you encourage them to exercise and lose weight?

[MrMannersIsAwful]

Just that really. Do you just ignore it and pretend all is well or do you try to talk to them about it?

My sister is morbidly obese but she is adamant that she's not, and that the doctor says her weight is just fine. As a family we just pretend we don't notice.

OP - to answer your question: we have a morbidly obese young person in our family. It is ignored. Her mum occasionally tries to do something. They eat healthily at home and kitted out a home gym (for the parents but obviously anyone can use it). But as the extended family, we don't mention it.

I feel awful about it. But have no idea how to handle it. It feels like cowardice. However I do think it is an addiction and has roots in some kind of childhood psychological trauma. So, how would a lay person approach it without causing more harm?

Ignore. Pretend it's not happening. The alternative is to destroy the relationship because of course their denial is going to be more important to them than any relationship with a person.

I find it hard to be around the morbidly obese couple in my family. They are obsessed with food and constantly posting on social media about what they've cooked. It's grim af but I don't engage. I can't. What would I say, stop stuffing your face you're killing yourself?

The problem with food addiction is, you have to keep eating. You can't give up food. Drugs and alcohol you can, even a stressful job or abusive relationship you can, but food is not quittable.

“ I feel awful about it. But have no idea how to handle it. It feels like cowardice. However I do think it is an addiction and has roots in some kind of childhood psychological trauma. So, how would a lay person approach it without causing more harm?”

Is it for you to “handle” though? I wouldn’t call it cowardice if in fact it was just the case that you aren’t (currently) the right person to take this upon yourself?

Self harming comes in many forms.

OP, you're grieving and as we've all got so much time on our hands right now, it's only natural to overthink, to go through the 'what ifs'.

You said that their weight did not kill them anyway so all the diets in the world wouldn't have saved them. There is only one person who could have changed your relatives weight and that is your relative. Sustained change can only ever come from within. Please stop overthinking this, it won't do you any good.

Unfortunately the word fat is seen as a bad word, we learn from a young age not to comment on people's appearance, now know as fat shaming.
It is awful as if your family member was physically self harming, you try to get them sectioned. It shouldn't be ignored if a loved one is heading for a slow death or years of physical pain.
I had to tell DS fat was a bad word, he was calling everyone fat if they were or not, I was terrified he'd say it to his nursery worker who is heavy.

I used to actively encourage, cook good food (that made me lose weight) but nothing changed. I cant do it for him. Hes asked if we can have a shag for every inch he loses from his belly. We tried it before and shagged once.

Ooh didnt see your update. Same applies though. Not your responsibility.

if you believe it’s MH why would you just think “leave them to it” was a good thing to do

Because you can't fix other people's MH problems for them. All you can do is be there with love. Making people feel worse about themselves really won't help.

I’d maybe mention methanogenic overgrowth/methane dominant SIBO to them.

People with this actually harvest more calories from food than people without it.

For a lot of people, it explains why they eat an amount of calories that fall within nutritional guidelines, but still put on weight.

That situation can be such a hidden trap and make people feel really helpless- they are eating an amount that online calculators say should cause weight gain, but are either still gaining or failing to lose. And no-one believes them, thinks they are a secret eater or have other food issues. And that can drive people into a bad place where they don’t trust themselves or others.

About 1/3 of the population have a methane production level which is potentially problematic. With some ethic backgrounds it’s higher than that, in others backgrounds it’s lower.

Excess methane production can slow gut motility, leading to increased caloric harvest. People with high methane levels don’t always have slow motility, but events like food poisoning or extreme stress can tilt people from being asymptomatic into being symptomatic.

Additional symptoms can be bloating, distended stomach, constipation, flatulence and burping.

if your family member was physically self harming, you try to get them sectioned

Really?

My mum's weight has fluctuated a lot since I was a child and at some points she's been very big. She's definitely been obese but I don't know if she's ever been in the morbidly obese category. When she is making an effort with her diet and exercise I try to be supportive of it, and if she's lost weight I compliment her on that but otherwise I don't mention it to her. I don't really bring up her diet or exercise, except normal things like asking what's she plans to have for dinner etc, her weight loss attempts I only really talk about when she brings them up herself.

There isn’t anything you could have done OP

It’s sad but true

If it was my husband or daughter then yes absolutely I would address it and try to give support but I’d not ignore it any more than I’d ignore alcoholism or anorexia or heroin addiction or anything else that was harmful..

If it was anyone else, no I’d not comment, like I wouldn’t if they were an alcoholic or drug addict or whatever. It seldom goes well. You need to be very close and for the person to trust your motivation and opinion for it to be beneficial. Otherwise it’s just pointless.

No one who is very overweight is unaware . All you would do by mentioning it is make them feel worse about themselves. If they ask for support or advice by all means give it but otherwise nothing positive will come from an intervention.

I am morbidly obese and had people try and control my weight, suggest cajole and interfere. I am always actively trying to lose weight.

Guess what? When people harmed on about it,.I really struggled to lose weight and put on a ton of weight. Almost doubled my weight when I had an abusive partner who tried to control my food and exercise.

I can pinpoint weight gain to which family member decided it was their job to police me. I matured early and had a very shapely body at 9 while being quite short. Basically I was an adult size 10/12 from age 9 until 19. Fine at 19, not so much at 9, but given I ate healthily and played sports (probably 20+ hours a week excluding weekend matches) I think if my mum hadn't harmed on about my weight I would have actually appreciated my body in my teens and not being stick thin and had a healthy relationship with food and my body.

Periods of weight loss in my life (and sustained weight loss where I am living and enjoying my life and lifestyle because I'm actually an active person) have been when I have gone NC or separated from these friends and family.

I'm at the point where a birth injury and tough pregnancy and relationship breaking down have all contributed to my weight. But the truth is I will get a handle on it and sadly that means going NC with a lot of toxic family and friends especially who go on about it. And sadly this is the last time, no getting in touch and having my self esteem eroded and being an emotional punching bag.

My life is fuller and happier without them.

Tread carefully. They know.
They will ask for your help if they need it and then you are free to help with what they ask for.

Back off though, it will not end well

No one in my family is but I have a couple of family members who smoke and I’m always trying to talk them out of it. If they were obese I’d want to help but it would be hard knowing how without insulting them...

You sit and watch them eat themselves to death, judging by this thread. I don't see why people think obesity should be ignored, but not anorexia and drug and alcohol issues.

My DSis and I both became very overweight in our early twenties and we used to talk about it a lot, because we were both in the same boat, so it was easy to bring up and to discuss.

10 years ago we each decided to make a proper attempt to lose weight together. We supported each other, talked about diets and exercise constantly and both lost significant amounts until we were both in the 'healthy' BMI range. Since then, I have managed to maintain my weight, but my DSis has regained all the weight she lost - plus about another 3 or 4 stone. She's now around 25 stone, and very unhealthy.

Initially, when she started to put the weight back on, we would discuss it and I'd try and be supportive, but as time (and the weight) went on, it became very difficult to raise the subject with her. If I mentioned her weight or suggested a healthy meal I'd tried, she would get really defensive and cross with me - until it got to the stage where I didn't dare bring it up. Our DM got the same reaction, and we both became really worried about her health.

DSis met her DP a few years ago and they've just set a date for their wedding next year. DSis set up a Zoom call with DM and me last week and announced that she wanted to lose weight so that she felt her best on her wedding day. She was telling us because she wanted our support; DM is also keen to lose some weight so will be working on it with her and I will be cheering them both on - DM and I were so pleased for her that she had made the decision, because there was no way we could have broached the subject ourselves without getting our heads bitten off and my DSis feeling ganged up on or attacked.

Back when DSis and I were both very overweight, talking to her about weight loss was easy and was well received. Once I was a 'healthy' weight and DSis was morbidly obese, she did not want to hear anything from me about her weight. I am so relieved that her weight is now open for discussion again, as DM and I were becoming increasingly concerned about the affect it was having on her health - but as PPs have said - she is well aware that being so overweight is dangerous, so bringing it up with her would do nothing except cause problems in our relationship.

However, I am an alcoholic (I've been in recovery for nearly 8 years), and if DM and DSis (and DH, DF and others) hadn't taken the risk of it adversely affecting our relationship by bringing up their concerns about my drinking, then there's every chance I would still be drinking (or it might have killed me in the long run).

I think as a general rule, people feel more able to discuss the really socially unacceptable issues (like alcoholism or drug addiction), but being overweight is such a personal issue and there's so much in the media about being 'body positive' and 'loving yourself' that the person who brings it up to someone who is overweight is seen as being shallow or judgmental, rather than concerned or caring.

I don't encourage them to take action but I do remind them that when they make decisions they should remember that it affects more than just them.
It's about timing and delivery too. I'm not about to tell them in front of their friends and make jokes.
It also works both ways, I would be p*ssed if close family/friends didn't trust me enough to know our relationship was strong enough for them to confide in me that I'm doing something they feel is detrimental to my health such as over eating etc.

it's not the same as alcoholism nor drug addiction. Both of those can have horrible and tragic consequences for innocent people. Obesity generally only affects the individual. Yes, it can have consequences for a spouse or children, but not to the extent that alcoholism or drug addiction do.

I dont agree with this, Pond. Alcoholism/drug addiction can make the demise quicker and more pronounced, perhaps, but food addiction (and I do think obesity often comes into this category - though of course not always) is a slow death and has all the hallmarks of every other addiction. It is the same thing, using a different substance. The devastation on all is the same.

One example: addicts are chronically not present in relationships, which can be extremely damaging. The addict is fine if they're swaddled in their substance of choice, it's the people around them who suffer. If you mention the substance to the addict they will dive into it even more - they do not want to hear and they'll use their substance to blot out what you've said. Addicts have their lover and it comes first.

Please please do not ever cajole a food addict to eat better /go for walks etc. The shame and pain can be immense, as well as the rage that you dared be so personal. It is crushing and drives them to the food.

I am a food addict and I am in 12-step recovery, a conclusive programme that deals with all components of compulsive eating (undereating or overeating and everything in between). There is precisely NOTHING anyone could have done or said that would have 'encouraged' me, op. I had to get there myself. I had to hit the proverbial rock bottom.

(to the poster who only brought back one cake when her rel asked for 4 - she probably went home and ate 12/24 etc.)