To ask you which life you would choose?

[vinoelle]

Posting for traffic here, sorry. We are trying to make some big life decisions about our future and I'm interested in people's opinions about what they would do/ what's important to them and how they would choose.

Essentially we have the option of moving abroad to the Middle East, for a job that would pay a huge amount of money. Life changing money. It would enable us to be mortgage free/ upgrade to the dream home and send our future children to private school. The weather would also be better, we know people out there so would be with friends, and I wouldn't have to work. Currently pregnant with DC1 so wouldn't have to worry about going back to work and have an easier time for young baby/toddler years. Downsides are it's restrictive in terms of going out and about (couldn't pop to a cafe for example but who knows when that's normal again). And we wouldn't be near family. Would be for 2-5 years. Income approx £300k/year

The other option is DH takes a job here in U.K. we get to stay in our lovely home which we love, altho isn't particularly grand. (Could have better house with option 1). We would be near friends, and nearer to family but still 3 hours drive altho would see maybe once a month or so. I would have to keep my job - which I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or bad thing. It pays well and is be part time, but it is stressful. But I might end up hating being a SAHM and at least here would have the option to work, whereas in Middle East I'd be literally trapped at home, unable to leave without husband or work. Money would be good, comfortable, but not great. Probably wouldn't be able to afford private school and would have normal mortgage etc but would manage comfortably. Income £130k/year

Wwyd? (Btw I know we are lucky and both are great options - I'm not stealth boasting or trying to be a knob, so pls don't get offended).

Honestly? Trapped away from family with a new DC and no established friends sounds like absolute hell that no money could make up for.
If it's your first DC you might not realise how hard and isolating those first six months can be. I wouldn't advise putting yourself in a situation where you'll be even more isolated and away from your existing support networks.

I can certainly see the appeal of option 1. The money and the freedom it might give you would be tempting. If there was a large ex-pat community and you had the resources to enable you to live somewhat freely I'd certainly consider it. But I'd also specify with him a time limit and a guaranteed return to the UK. In writing.

But before I made a decision I'd want to research laws regarding leaving. That is, if you hate it (and your DH doesn't) would you be free to leave without his permission? More importantly, would you be free to leave with your child(ren)? If the answer to either of these is no, it'd be a cold day in hell before I moved to wherever it is.

I would not go.

As a woman, my freedom safety and position would be worse than they are here. To say nothing of the appalling way many of the countries in question treat domestic staff.

It's far too bloody hot.

(Are you in London/SE? Where I live, 130kpa is plenty for private school.)

At any rate, I'd wait until the baby is born so it will be born in the UK.

Which country is it?
Bit of a difference between Dubai and Jeddah, for example......

I'd go option 2). Reasons:

• Equality - as many others have stated even when I arrived in Dubai going to an exclusive resort I felt the essence of being a second class citizen, unequal and disregarded. Horrid.
• Independence - the financial freedom comes at the price of your own career and independence, you will be totally reliant on your DH's career and earning. I know many women are SAHM but it wouldn't be enough for me. I am proud of everything I have achieved career wise learning and developing my skills and, when my marriage broke down, my capacity to stand on my own two feet financially. My kids are proud of my career too.
• Private schooling - never a priority for me and if that meant sending them away to school in the UK then it would be an absolute no. What's life without my kids around? Meaningless.
• Expat life. In compounds and behind doors, playing tennis, spas, shopping and drinking in a very small world. Not for me either.

If you'd said a European country or Australia it would be a different story.

Be aware that a lot of people choose option 1 with an agreed time limit, then it gets to that date and husband says “oh, but MY CAREEEEERRRR” so they agree wife goes back home for sanity and so kids don’t grow too old thinking it’s normal to stone people, then either (a) husband never comes back to work in UK until retirement or (b) meets a younger model expat or local and leaves his family

I’ve seen it happen several times

@AcrossthePond55 makes a really good point. If you split acrimoniously, would you as an expat be legally allowed to leave with your children if your DH didn’t want you to?

Also be aware domestic violence is legal in most of these countries.

I wouldn't move to the Middle East for anything. Anything at all.

And I'm not sure why you think you can't afford to be a SAHM if your DH earns £130k? My DH earns about 30k less than that, and I've was a SAHM for a few years. We were still comfortably off. Is your mortgage huge?

Also, check you can go out and about - even in Saudi, expat women can go out just with a driver.

Ah, sorry, just saw the 130k is your joint wage.

I'd send DH to work in the middle east and stay here as a lady of leisure

I'm kidding (I think).

I had exactly this decision to make and posted a fair bit about it. I went round and round thinking about it, thinking about the impact on the kids, the role of my parents in my life etc. In the end I couldn’t agree to go (though I wanted to in an ideal world) as I had to be honest that my relationship is just not strong enough. If I had struggled I am not confident that DH would have been able to comfort me or even been that sympathetic. I had to be realistic and honest with myself that I would have been very lonely while DH travelled, worked and lived the highlife. Since lockdown, I have been very depressed as I am at home with DH and the kids and he gives no emotional support to me. Has made me realise why I was so scared to leaving my family and my support network here, because I know in my heart that I would have been very lonely. If your relationship is strong though it’s a very different thing.

No dc I would go but with dc I would stay or have dh go alone.

If you'd said a European country or Australia it would be a different story.

Not necessarily. Many countries who are participants in the Hague Convention bar people from removing their children from that country if they are deemed 'habitual residents'. And what constitutes habitual residency varies from country to country. There's a thread on now from woman who has been in NZ only 6 months and her DC are considered HR already. It behooves anyone contemplating moving children to another country to be sure they fully understand the legal ramifications, whether it's for a time-limited job opportunity or a permanent move.

It would take me around 10 years to earn 300K so that would be a huge amount of money for some.

I would take option 1 in a second. In reality, if you don't like it there's nothing lost from returning home (obviously don't sell your house!).

Sounds like an amazing opportunity to set yourselves and your DC up for financial stability and 2-5 years really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Option 2 any day of the week. Sacrificing your independence and support network to go and SAHM in the Middle East? Just no. Nothing would induce me.

I partly agree @Blessed2496, however there is always the risk that one or both of you wants to stay. If you have an amazing relationship and know for a fact that you will want the same thing, then fine. However, it could be forever.

Option 1. The financial benefits are tremendous, it's only 2-5 years (can be cut off at 2 if you really don't like it, surely!) and how often do you get the opportunity to try something new like this? I'd hate to get to retirement age and think of this as a missed opportunity and having just lived in one spot my entire life. Then again I'm quite independent and have lived in 3 countries and would love to try more in the future.

Also I'd stress that the financial benefits are probably going to last you far beyond the 2-5 yr span as it will boost your husband's CV and the ex-pat connections could provide him with further opportunities afterwards. This is definitely a life changing scenario and I'd be all for it.

I think I would go for option 1, in order to create some financial security for the future.

Five years later is no time at all. By the time your children are at school you would be back in the UK, with (one would expect) very substantial savings, with which you could buy a house or finance your children's education, or a bit of both.

It's the financial security that would be the decider for me

Option 2

I spent years trying to make as much money as possible, have the best cars the biggest houses etc. Actually it didn't make me happy at all, just stressed and eventually unhappy.

I now live in a 3 bed semi, have a reasonable job with a decent income, but I have little stress, close to family and friends and I'm happy and contented.

I know a lot of people scoff but money really can't buy happiness

Do you have a brilliant relationship with mutual respect and support. If you were miserable would he be happy to leave even if he was loving it and it was doing wonders for his career? Would he resent you if you were unhappy but his career was thriving? If so, don’t go. If not, go for it!

I spent a few years in Saudi Arabia as a child when my family moved out there. It was a fantastic experience that opened my eyes to the world and helped me be brave enough to live in India for a while as an adult.

I would pick Option 1 - assuming you are self disciplined enough to SAVE THE MONEY . I know 'expat' life and so many people get caught up with keeping up with everyone else and blowing the money on a flash lifestyle. Don't do that - that would be a waste. Keep it (relatively) simple and make the most of the adventure - then come home with ££££ in the bank.

I would take option 1.
I have lived abroad twice for 5 years each. Once in australia and then asia. We did eventually come back home, but both experiences were amazing. Its great to learn about different cultures and actually experiencing them.
I wouldnt want to live abroad forever, but for a certain amount of time i think its really amazing.

I have friends who moved to dubai for a job (was supposed to be for a year) and they ended up living there for 6 years. They loved it all in all, but it was very different from life here.
Sometimes you just have to go for it when such an opportunity presents itself.

2 - I won’t go somewhere where I am less than a man.
Also I really couldn’t cope in that heat.

I have friends who went out to Dubai & loved the high life, they have been forced to return to the U.K. after their second child was born with serious disabilities- the insurance was only valid for 6 (3?) months after birth after which they were unable to find anywhere that would insure her with the diagnosis she has.

The NHS has cared for her beautifully since their return & continue to do so.

Friends have found coming home very hard, they didn’t save that much & are unused to living without a stream of servants