To ask you which life you would choose?

[vinoelle]

Posting for traffic here, sorry. We are trying to make some big life decisions about our future and I'm interested in people's opinions about what they would do/ what's important to them and how they would choose.

Essentially we have the option of moving abroad to the Middle East, for a job that would pay a huge amount of money. Life changing money. It would enable us to be mortgage free/ upgrade to the dream home and send our future children to private school. The weather would also be better, we know people out there so would be with friends, and I wouldn't have to work. Currently pregnant with DC1 so wouldn't have to worry about going back to work and have an easier time for young baby/toddler years. Downsides are it's restrictive in terms of going out and about (couldn't pop to a cafe for example but who knows when that's normal again). And we wouldn't be near family. Would be for 2-5 years. Income approx £300k/year

The other option is DH takes a job here in U.K. we get to stay in our lovely home which we love, altho isn't particularly grand. (Could have better house with option 1). We would be near friends, and nearer to family but still 3 hours drive altho would see maybe once a month or so. I would have to keep my job - which I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or bad thing. It pays well and is be part time, but it is stressful. But I might end up hating being a SAHM and at least here would have the option to work, whereas in Middle East I'd be literally trapped at home, unable to leave without husband or work. Money would be good, comfortable, but not great. Probably wouldn't be able to afford private school and would have normal mortgage etc but would manage comfortably. Income £130k/year

Wwyd? (Btw I know we are lucky and both are great options - I'm not stealth boasting or trying to be a knob, so pls don't get offended).

Wow so many great responses thank you! I'm going to try and answer as many questions as I can

But thanks for replying with good advice - I was worried the whole thread would just be ripping me apart for posting this at an insensitive time when others are losing jobs etc. I am aware we are lucky.

Essentially the main drive for option 1 was for me to have a career break - I suffered from burnout a few years ago and haven't felt able to recover. Would be a real squeeze on 1 wage in the U.K. (above is joint wage). However now baby is nearly here I'm worried I could feel even worse if I don't have the option to work - no judgement I just don't know if I'll actually feel worse being a SAHM.

Definitely leaning towards option 1 as we have friends there who love it and the support network is good.

Also luckily my career wouldn't suffer with a career break -it's very stable and I'm fully qualified so could slip back in without much issue.

If it were me, I'd move to Middle East and take advantage of the high income and tax perks. It's not forever, it's only for a few years and you can return to UK in a fantastic financial position.

I say this as someone who was brought up in the Middle East, in the strictest of countries. I absolutely loved my childhood, could have asked for better and my parents would agree too. The expat social scene is like nothing they'd experienced before/since and they still maintain these friendships now.

I would be happy to work abroad - and have done so, but not for megabucks - but not in the Middle East. Remember, this is your life. It's not just about money. You'll be living there and it's up to FIVE years of your life. I did one job abroad for five months and it was the most frightening and miserable time of my life, I had no control over my day to day existence. Don't do this.

Be wary of 'private school'. You need to be v v careful about international schools. Many are ruthless money making businesses. Don't make any assumptions.

From your post Option 1 I think comes across as what you really want to to do.
I think if you don't go for it you'll always regret not giving it a go.
It's not forever and you can return at any time.

Option 1 but it depends where in the Middle East.

Saudi Arabia no for example but Dubai yes.

If you have friends there and a support network, I’d absolutely go for it. I spent a year in Argentina with DH’s work (and I didn’t speak Spanish when we arrived) with DS who was 8 weeks old when we emigrated. I had an amazing time, made great friends, explored the country etc. I learnt Spanish, developed my third language with a teacher, had a wonderful time with baby all to myself, etc etc. I’m a firm proponent of enjoying the opportunities life throws at you.

My main concern with the ME would be eg leaving with the baby- can you travel without a man? Are there expats communities you can tap into? What will you do day-to-day? And how guaranteed is the end date? Knowing we only had 12 months made it easy to handle the challenges, and I still miss that carefree time now!

Option 2. I would move to lots of places but def not ME

Option 2. I have friends who went to Jeddah and hated it. You're stuck with people you might not like much but have to socialise with for fear of being outcast. It didn't end up being nearly as lucrative as expected either.

I know Saudi is more extreme than other parts of the Middle East but the feedback seems to be similar.

Is it Saudi? (because you say not allowed out without your husband?) If so, I wouldn't want to go. If it's somewhere a bit more liberal e.g. Bahrain or Dubai where you could go out alone, there's alcohol served in hotel bars etc, then for the potentially life changing income I would probably stick it out for a couple of years.

Have you discussed what might happen if you didn’t like it but your husband did? What if his contact got extended? What would the rules be if you’d been raising a child in this other country but you wanted to return and husband didn’t?

How easy would it be to get a career gong again once you’d returned to the U.K. for you?

It seems to me option 1 is very high risk but only to you. Moving contrives, giving up work and being a SAHM and having your freedoms limited as a woman is a lot to take on all in the space of a few months. Plus if you plan to live in the U.K. as your child gets older how might they adjust to changing continents and cultures to a U.K. culture they’ve never actually experienced?

Saudi I'm guessing? I couldn't do it in your position. Having your first baby can be quite a shock even with family support and the freedom to go where you like during maternity leave. I would not want to do it over there for love nor money!

However I would find it very hard to turn down the financial security so would probably consider if my husband could go out for a while and save hard for a short set amount of time, while I moved closer to family for support with the baby or something along those lines although I know most couples wouldn't like to live apart like that. My husband was a workaholic during the first year or two of my DCs life so it wouldn't have made a huge amount of difference if he had been in Saudi at the time!

I've been an expat wife for 15 years, and I would go. I have friends in Dubai and Oman, and they love it there. While you may be restricted in where you can go, most expats live in the same complex / compound, so a lot of social life happens in those spaces. Friendships are massively important in expat communities, so you'd probably find that you'd make friends very quickly, and have support when you needed it.
I am highly qualified in something that isn't considered a profession in the UK, so I have very little earning/career potential here which makes me totally dependent on my DH, anyway, so at least as an expat, I wasn't constantly stressed about contributing financially.
Also, your children will be at an international school, lots of fantastic diversity! We had one expat assignment when my dcs were 8&7, and it changed them for the better...they absolutely flourished in confidence and compassion.
Do the research and visit if you can, but I'd say go for it...it's life changing in the most amazing ways!

Yep totally depends where in the Middle East. KSA I wouldn't, Dubai, Oman, Abu Dhabi I would for example

What happens if, at the end of five years, your dh wants to stay and you want to return? What happens if you have a second child during this period, born in the country?
I think such a change happening at a time when you already have an enormous change coming would be too much. Imagine having PND and being so far from family and the things you are used to.

And I have no idea where the hell the pp was in Dubai that they were the only woman out and about - very odd!

Stay home. Both because you’ll miss your support network being that far away and because I couldn’t live somewhere with such backwards laws. Even with family a long way away in this country you will make friends through NCT/playgroups etc and those “mum friends” are invaluable whilst the kid(s) are small.

Option 2.

I wouldn't have survived those early couple of years without my freedom of movement.

Fuck living in a country where I have zero rights.

I am someone who does live abroad and is raising a family away from my own family but I would not go to the Middle East for all of the tea in China! Women's rights aren't good although your day to day experience is very different depending which country you are in. Also, you will have a very different experience as a married woman with a family. However, while your wages might be great, the cost of living in these countries is also phenomenally high and only likely to get higher in the immediate future following the collapse of the price of oil so you need to look carefully at that.
The ex-pat lifestyle in these countries mean that you live a life of luxury but are very very wrapped up in a small community often with people that you wouldn't necessarily choose as friends. On the other hand, you can find that being thrown together can create far stronger bonds than you are used to in the U.K. so it really does depend what suits you. Many people love the life there although the transient nature of it would drive me crazy! Another thing is that the climate sounds great but it's extremely hot in the summer and there will be months when you can't be outside - this would be the biggest reason that I don't want to live there. I think ultimately it depends on the life you want - if you like shopping malls, indoor gyms, tight-knit communities that you are very wrapped up in, luxury and glamour then it would be a great lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with those things but I'm not really the glam type and prefer life in my wee ex-communist country! I also know that while here is perfect for me it would never suit some of my Dubai loving mates! To each their own but I would suggest to ask a lot of people already there about the day to day realities of life there.
Finally, I'm only a 2.5 hour flight from the U.K. but our borders are shut with no realistic prospect of them opening anytime soon. If anything happens to my parents, my sister, my nephews or my older aunties I'm not going to be able to see them or attend their funerals. My uncle died of Covid19 and I have never felt so far away from my family. I have my in-laws here as well so for us leaving is very complicated in a way that it wouldn't be for you but I do think that you need to think about the reality of being far away from older family when you have a small child and leaping on a plane isn't always easy or even possible.

Option 1: Not with a baby. No way.

I haven't read other replies.

I grew up in the middle east for a few years as my parents did much what you're contemplating. There was a big expat community and we had lots of friends, went to an English school, went to the beach every Friday and I remember it as a great time. My parents made home brew beer in the bath, so we only had showers. this was in the 1970s though, so things are probably very different now.

I would go for option 1. But then I like adventure, I like trying something different, I like a challenge.

I would want to do my research thoroughly though on the situation in the particular country you're thinking of. Life in Saudi Arabia would be very different to life in Qatar.

Gosh, some people here are very ill-informed about the Middle East. How can you generalise about all Middle Eastern countries if you have never been to them all? Let me guess... daily fail readers

OP, I would go for Option 1 - without a doubt. As my name suggests, I spent my early childhood in a Middle Eastern country, only moving to the UK when I was 11 years old. I have happy memories of the country I lived in, and my mother also has mainly good things to say about the time we spent there. Yes it was somewhat restrictive for women at the time (early 80s) but it has improved massively - we have been back there and to other countries nearby for holidays and I have had absolutely no issues going out and about as a female.

It enabled my father to make a lot of money for the family at the time, which set us up quite comfortably, detached houses with big gardens, private school, no ridiculous amounts of debt after university etc. If this is what you would like for your children, I would go for it. My husband has also been thinking about it - though we have no ties to the Middle East anymore. But I have always said it would be exciting and something we would seriously consider.

Good luck! And do message me if you want any further information about what it was like.

I wouldn't have survived those early couple of years without my freedom of movement.

And this, with bells on, OP. Is this your first baby? Let me be the downer here and tell you a home truth: Having babies ties you down and it can get really hard. At the best of times, every mum hits her wall or two with baby burnout, feeling overwhelmed, a bit imprisoned at times. Mostly, it's an amazing journey. But there are times when you feel like you've been stuck to a chair nursing a baby so long, you've got piles coming up your backside and out your ears. You need love and support during those times. I would not want to hit that wall anywhere in the ME. I'd want to be near my support network.

Option 1, as it's for a limited time only, and would set you up for the rest of your lives (mortgage free etc).

Personally, I wouldn't want to be dependant on my DH - we've always earned roughly the same amount and split childcare, chores etc equally, but for a short time, if he didn't mind being the sole earner and made enough for us to be financially secure for the rest of our lives, it's worth doing IMO.

Is there an option 3 where DH works abroad and you stay in the UK? Could he negotiate his hours so that, for example he worked longer days and had 1 week off each month to be in the Uk? Or could he work from the UK one week in 4 or something? Teams has shown us that this is very workable.