Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

He is a dick

Yep a dick. He won't change. Unless you make absolute plans - can you start walking or some type of hobby outside of the home.
He comes home from work
You hand over baby and go do your hobby.
Force the time you get to your self as he doesn't care and doesn't value being at home being a mum/home maker.
My partner is exactly the same :(

You’re doing the work “for us” too. Your work is looking after the baby and you need a break too. He needs to realise that having a child is 24/7 and so he must step up and do his fair share of parenting too. And while furloughed he should be sharing the chores and cooking too.

DH being unreasonable.

Tell him you want to swap, you'll do some gardening. Don't tolerate gender bias of who can do what. Might be physical but change of activity will be nice for you plus sounds like 'the gardener' gets breaks and lunchtime etc.

Well then swap and you can do the garden for an hour and he can look after the baby. If looking after the baby is so easy compared to the garden, he should be glad of the break.

Yup, he is being a massive cock. Feel free to show him my comment too.

From the time dd was about 3 months old, when dh came home he would have a bath and dd would be handed in to him. This lasted for a couple of years. I could see the bath from the kitchen bench so it's not like he was on his own but the relief for those 20 minutes when I could get dinner started, go to the toilet - you name it - was magic.

Even as the evening wore on, we managed to each go off and do our thing while sharing parenting. Perhaps as an Australian bungalow, we don't have the distinct separation that a two storey house has but even so, the principle remains the same.

I will add, both dh and dd loved their skin to skin time in the bath. It was wonderful to see.

He's a dick. A baby/child is shared responsibility. It's about the mental break, even if it's just half hour alone time.

He seems to be doing his utmost to do anything else other than spend time with his child.

Why can't you both have a break? He has an hour off from the garden to do whatever, then you have an hour to yourself and he looks after ds

He’s more than a dick. Why is childcare and cleaning somehow you doing something for you as a couple? You spend you’re entire day when you’re not asleep doing things for your family. And now he’s done so but it’s more than you do? Have you considered doing your own patio?

Is his point that he feels he never gets a break or that he begrudges you having one? Both rubbish reasons for his comments and actions but if you know which, it will be easier to deal with.

It would be easier if you can both agree that while he's at work/ doing the garden etc, you are dealing with childcare and housework so you're both working towards your family life. When that's done, the rest of the time should be split - you need family time but you are both also entitled to time on your own, whether that is used for a hobby, to socialise or just relax in peace.

If the garden is predicted to take 7 working days, and he finishes an hour earlier each day (so both you and he can get an hour breaks), then all those extra hours will only add up to one extra day.

That said I'd be suprised if he was doing a non stop 9-5 in the gardern, without slowing down/daydreaming/having phone time, wandering in and out

Your husband is a massive dick. According to him, raising and caring for your child is only your responsibility. Pleas be aware this will never get better. Don't make the mistake of having another child with him because I doubt your marriage will last.

Yeah defo a dick. I don’t understand the men in these posts. My husband would always want to spend time with the kids when he gets home from work. I have a 5 year old and a 4 week old. At the moment he’s at home furloughed, but does all the cooking and most of the cleaning, if the baby had had a bad night (I’m breastfeeding) he will get up any time from 4am onwards after a feed and go downstairs with her so I can get some sleep. It seems that he is unique in his parenting when I talk to friends and colleagues, but to me this is just the normal sharing the responsibility of being a parent! You are only asking for an hour in the day!

He's a sexist prick and the 1950s want him back.

This is only going to get worse unless you address it now OP

If he wanted a child, too, then he shouldn't be shocked that he's expected to help raise that child, including one-on-one time.

No-one working in a garden spends every hour hard at it. It's simply too demanding. So he can take a break every so often, and some of those breaks can include spending a little time with his baby.

He doesn't have to go without any "down-time", but whatever he chooses for himself, he definitely shouldn't try to mandate that you don't get any, either.

Huge pathetic dick. Can you do the garden? Take turns? This time has highlighted the inequaties. Personally I couldn't stay with such a sexist twat.

He should want to spend time with your ds!

Perhaps he isn’t a dick - perhaps he just doesn’t get it? Some people (commonly partners) just genuinely don’t realise how draining it is to look after a baby all day. The best way to teach them is to make them do it. It’s harder in lockdown as you can’t go out for so long, but you need to come up with an errand or set of errands that takes you out of the house for the maximum time possible, so that he just has to suck it up and look after the child. If everything goes well, he’ll be desperate to hand the baby over by the time you get back, and will actually get why you need a break. If that doesn’t work - then yes, he’s a dick.

Why does he have to work on the garden 9-5? Nobody is paying him. Nothings going anywhere. There’s no rush. Right? So say to him “I’ve agreed the garden needs doing but I don’t agree the hours. It seems reasonable to me that while you are at home we split the childcare. So you do what you want in the morning 9-1pm and I do what I want 1-5pm. I’ve been doing everything for almost a year now and I need time to do non child things. It makes sense to me that you spend half the day doing the garden. Why do you need to spend the whole day doing the garden? I want time away from the baby and you being at home is the best opportunity for me to get a break”
Don’t let this drop.
It’s not ok that you’re never getting a break

Also - can your baby crawl yet? If not, plonk him on the lawn next to your partner (blanket, bouncer, whatever) and they can do the gardening together. Harder if baby can move of course!!

He’s being unreasonable, but I expect you know that already. Just curious though, has he always acted like the house responsibilities are yours or just since you are on maternity leave? Amazing how many people (men) still seem to think that time is just spent swanning around drinking coffees and watching daytime tv...

He should want to spend time with your ds!

I know it is tiring to look after a baby without a break, but it is even worse if their father only sees spending time with his child as a demeaning chore.

I'm sure your husband is wonderful in all sorts of ways, but I personally am so glad I split from the father of my child because he was like that. He took away the pleasure out of looking after her with his attitude

Just wow 😠😠
Selfish idiot

He's a dick. When I was on maternity leave my DH used to come home from work and take over with the kids. Giving 3 of them a bath, bedtime story, cooking dinner and waking up at night to do bottle feeds when I was too tired to breastfeed. He worked full time too. When I returned to work he did compressed hours so that he could do childcare on fridays. Why doesn't your husband want to look after his child, bond and help out? What happens when you go back to work? Will childcare and housework all fall to you?????