Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

[oceantides]

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

He's a massive dick.
And I agree with poster above: marriage do end over this level of dickishness.

He's hiding from baby care responsibilities. You know it and he knows it. He's home, he should be doing his fair share of caring for his own child.

Tell him you'll work on the garden, too, or some other house project 'for the family' while he watches the baby. His response will confirm his dickishness.

sounds like he wanted to be a father but not have to do anything

my ex bil did this-went on about how wonderful it was but never did anytghing-actually got worse as the baby got older kept sayng his days off were for him to relax

obviously didnt last he was never meant to b e a dad even his own mother agreed in the end

tell him straight he needs to give you a break he cant conjure up things to do all the time

I'd no doubt here DS crying and I'd go and get him.

It's very hard but resist the temptation to do this. This gives a message to your DH that you don't trust him with the baby. And that looking after the baby is easy for you, because hey, you said you wanted a break but you just picked the baby up, so you must want to.

It's a lot easier to do if you can go out somewhere so you can't hear. Even if it can only be to the shop, or for your exercise walk. Or long bath with bubbles and music on headphones.

I feel really bad for you not having had a break with a newborn. I had my first baby when I was on my own, it was really bloody hard. But at least there was no other parent there doing nothing that I could become resentful of.

I had my second baby with my now dh. Still incredibly hard but knowing he was going to be there after work and I'd get some sleep kept me going. At one point he told me he'd organised working from home a few days a week because he was worried about me. I had pnd and was trying to pretend like I was ok but was struggling, I cried with relief that he was noticing and would be around during the day.

Never taking the baby off you when you would have been desperate for a break is horrible. He must've seen you struggling and just ignored it.

Shit dad, wont change. Id not have any more children with him.

keep us updated op x

He would be gone, sounds like an absolute loser.

So not only does he expect you to do all the drudgery but he thinks it's reasonable to spend zero time with his child?

I agree that sometimes partners don't understand how hard it is, but someone who actively hides from his family and makes up long projects to get out of spending time with them DOES understand. He just doesn't want to have to do it.

I can’t believe the number of men who don’t take care of their kids even when they are at home. They can no longer use the fact that they are ‘busy’ at work as an excuse for not doing their share.
Op, your dh knows how difficult it is to look after kids / home and doesn’t want to do it. This is why he has conveniently started this ‘all day’ garden project . He is a lazy dick and I am annoyed on your behalf.
As others have said, don’t ask for alone time, just take it.

I don't usually reply on these type of threads and you've had plenty of good advice, but in your most recent post you said it's as if he doesn't understand. So just to say that he actually doesn't! My dh didn't understand until I had to go away for work for 2 days. He stepped up. When I got back he admitted it was knackering and had opened his eyes. You need to go out and leave them to it. Regularly. At the mo the best option seems an hours walk every day, on your own. Tell him it's for your mental and physical health and for him to have quality daddy-child time.

Don't do gardening.

That would only reinforce his notion that what he considers to be work is worthy of the label.

You want him to admit the principle that you need an hour to yourself every day to do whatever you want to do - or to do nothing but lie on the floor looking at the ceiling - with no interruptions. Not only that, you need to find the house and the baby in ship shape when you get back, dry off after your long bath, or wake from your meditation.

The only way that can happen is if he takes on full responsibility for the baby for that hour.

What you want from him, in other words, is the same commitment to family life, to the relationship between the two of you, and the same consideration you have extended to him since the baby's arrival.

You have taken full responsibility for the baby and he has had the luxury of being able to spend extended periods locked in the bathroom, the luxury of planning and executing projects like the garden, the luxury of going to work dressed in clean clothes, and with a nice dinner under his belt from the night before. He has had the luxury of time to pick his nose, and finish a thought.

It's a huge pity that you have to point out to him that consideration for you is needed, in fact, that he owes you a massive amount of it, and that consideration is what makes the relationship work.

Usually when you find yourself teaching someone the basics of civility it's a sign that a relationship has a bleak outlook.

Much more than being a shit father, this man is a shit husband.

DICK! he obviously is oblivious to your workload. You should swap and do an hour on the garden while he does the childcare. He should want to spend time with his child. It's worrying that he is so avoidant.

Hand him the baby and fuck off. Don't explain, don't apologize just DO IT. If he follows bleating...laugh. Keep walking, he needs to learn how to child care. He won't do it unless you literally dump it on him and he will end up loving it if he is a half way decent man. Loads of men are just too scared because so many good mothering women take 'it all on' from new born and then there is never a transition that makes sense to Fathers who 'hovered' and went to work and bought ice cream. They are not necessarily being ass holes they just never got the 'missive' that now it is their turn or understood how it can go from Mommy Mommy Mommy ( and Mommy being OK with that) to YOUR TURN MATE. It's brutal. But you have to just turn the baby into their hands and bail. They do great. But not if you hover.

My husband is still working from home, I’m a sahm with 4 & 6 year old, he does breakfast every morning so I can exercise and then does bath and bed every night so I can have a break. He isn’t asked to do this, it is the part of parenting he can do as he wants to spend time with them.

You husband sounds like a dick and your child will see this as they grow up.

@FinallyMrsE Totally agree with what PP said. As kids get older they realise who bothered with them and who didn't

My partner is great with the kids, housework and cooking! He gets up with them to let me have a lie in! He does most of the cooking and his fair share of cleaning. I can't fault him really but he wasn't always like that! After we had our first baby he would leave it all up to me, if I asked him to do something he'd act like I was asking for a kidney. I had enough when our son was about 7m old and told him if he didn't want to play apart in our family then he could leave as I could quite happily carry on doing what I was doing as a single mother....... now I don't think issuing ultimatums is always the answer, I do wish I hadn't left it so long and actually sat him down and had a reasonable conversation instead of laying down the law but it did work! He didn't realise he was being shit he was just living his life the way he did pre kids! It's now 5 years and 2 more kids later and now he quite often talks about back then and what a dick he was!

He's only doing the garden to avoid doing housework and looking after the baby. I hope you've realised that.

If I were you OP once you go back to work i'd quietly start getting your affairs in order and planning your exit strategy. You don't want this for you or your child.

Perhaps you could take over in the garden for an hour ?. I can't see that he would object to that .

So the OP wanting a break should be to offer to do some gardening while her DH parents his own kids. Why can't she just do nothing?

Why can't she just do nothing?

They should both have equal time to "do nothing".

Agree but if they were in a loving relationship he wouldn't be avoiding parenting his DC and OP wouldn't be on MN seeking help . His doing nothing is avoiding his kids and hiding in the garden

The point is that she shouldn't have to garden to get away from the baby. She is entitled to an hour a day to do whatever she wants to do or to do nothing..

She doesn't have to justify her time off by doing something that can be construed as 'effort on behalf of the family' - in fact doing so only validates the H's argument.