Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? Or is my DH a massive dick?

198 replies

oceantides · 01/05/2020 01:23

We have a 7 month old baby. DH usually works full time, but is currently furloughed. I’m currently on maternity leave. Before covid-19 I was home alone pretty much 6 days a week due to his shift work. I look after our DS full time, cook, clean, keep house etc. I don’t mind doing this. But I never seem to get a break. DH conveniently needs the toilet 4 million times a day for what seems like hours on end when he’s home/has a day off. He always seems to slack off from doing things and it’s always me who seems to pick the pieces up. I get up with our DS when DH leaves for work, and I don’t stop until he’s in bed. DH comes home when DS is in bed. If DH came home before DS was in bed he would never say oh give him to me for half an hour whilst you get yourself a drink, or just have five minutes. It’s always put on me.

Now this is what has got my back up.

He is currently working on our garden, fine. He said it may take l a couple of days because there’s a lot of work, also fine. I’ll watch DS as usual whilst this happens. I explained I didn’t mind him doing the garden because it needs doing but it would be nice for him to give me an hour where possible after he’s been outside baby free all day. This caused an argument. He argued he is doing the work for us, and he’s not having a ‘holiday day’ and why should I get a free hour after he’s been doing manual labour all day? Whose in the wrong please? I’m always made out to be the bad person because I’d like five minutes to myself sometimes, is that wrong?

I see other couples split baby time, my close friend has said her DH will come home from working all day and will give her a little time to herself. I’m not asking much. Is this normal? Or is my DH just a massive dick?

OP posts:
costcocookiesaredestroyingme · 01/05/2020 07:41

He's a massive cock and a shit dad.

My dh has a full on job, lots of responsibility. He comes home and takes the baby from me, baths him, helps with dinner, washes bottles, feeds him. He will get up to him in the night if he hears him wake, if he sees me stressed or hears baby crying (wfh atm) he will come out and ask if I need anything. On weekends we both attend to him. Because I'm human and I can't be attached to the baby 24/7 - I need a break too!

B0bbin · 01/05/2020 07:42

YANBU. He is being a dick.

Di11y · 01/05/2020 07:42

he's a dick. either it's piss easy looking after a baby so he won't mind doing it for an hour, or it's hard work so you deserve a break.

plus why doesn't he want to spend time with his baby??

copycopypaste · 01/05/2020 07:43

Oh dear OP, tbh @billy1966 summed it up perfectly

AnyFucker · 01/05/2020 07:47

Does he not like his child ?

Inconnu · 01/05/2020 07:48

Put your foot down OP. Now he's furloughed he needs to stop making excuses and share the baby care with you 50/50. If he moans that the garden work won't get done, say you don't care and he can spend his 'time off' working in the garden if he likes - that's his choice.

Now he's not working, he doesn't get to opt out of parenting.

RebelWhoWashesFor19Seconds · 01/05/2020 07:49

Do you think he is anxious about being with the baby himself
I would start slowly and work up*

I actually disagree with this. It's not a random kid he's just met and is being left babysitting. It's his child. OP didn't get to slowly work up to taking care of her own child. No parents do.

And for those useless pricks who do the childcare wrong to get out of it? I wouldn't be bloody fixing the problems. Nappy not on properly so pee leaks everywhere? I'd straight out tell DH, "Well you'll know to put it on properly next time. The clean baby clothes are in the dryer"

Obviously there are men who would fight this but I'd be a single mum long before I'd be a mum to children AND a full grown man I never gave birth to!!

BeatrixPottersAlterEgo · 01/05/2020 07:50

He is being a dick, and lazy too. My dh is working 12 jour shifts on his feet all day, is also doing a ton of work on the house and garden when he's off, and still takes our toddler plenty

Suzie6789 · 01/05/2020 07:56

He dodging his responsibilities. He’s creating work for himself elsewhere so he doesn’t have to look after the baby.
I know a man like this, he freely admits he goes home deliberately after the baby has gone to bed so he doesn’t get asked to do anything.
If he’s furloughed he should be doing 50 % of everything on the home.

ReluctantHillCrester · 01/05/2020 08:03

Yep, he's a dick who shirks his parenting responsibility.

I had almost a year maternity leave, Dh would start work early so he could leave early enough to be home for bathtime for Ds1. That man would prise that baby out of my arms, telling me to sit on the sofa, he would take Ds1 into the kitchen and make me a cup of tea all the while chatting away to him.

We took turns on the weekend to have a lie in which was bliss. He didn't spend any excessive amount of time hiding away in the toilet as some men do. He loved reading Ds his bedtime story, spending time with him, building a great bond with him. Ds1 is now 17, Ds2 is 14 and both sons are very close to him. He prioritising a family dinner every night even if that means working late at home with a laptop on his knee in the lounge, rather than the office upstairs as he likes being with us.

Your Dh is basically filling his time with anything to avoid parenting. Put your baby into his lap and go for your 1 hour walk, or do anything else you want to, lock yourself in the bathroom and tell him you are unavailable. He is being a complete arse and he knows it. He isn't blind to this. You are looking after your child's needs plus your Dh's needs ie cooking et but is he looking after your needs? Your mental health and wellbeing? No.

Mekw · 01/05/2020 08:05

He's just got no concept of what it's like being at home with a baby all day. He thinks he deserves a break as he's working but you're also working. To you doing the garden is some head space and alone time that you probably crave but he doesn't understand that as he's not deprived of alone time like you are. To be honest I think it needs to be a 2 way thing. He doesn't see the gardening as a break so give him the time to do something that he wants to do from time to time but in return he needs to do the same for you. He thinks as he's working he deserves a day off but when you become a parent you don't really get a 'day off'.

Until he starts having the baby more often on his own he won't see it from your side. I can really relate to your post as I've had same argument so many times with DH but I left it longer so it became harder into change. He now has a fixed day off in week when he has DS 2 and this has helped as he now understands how tough it can be being at home with a baby. Have the conversation now and try to make the changes otherwise it will get worse as the older baby gets the more head space you need!!!

To be fair to him he will also need his own down time for work/house chores but it works both ways so you need to come to an agreement of how you can support each other. People saying 'leave him' is so extreme. He's a new Dad who is adjusting to a massive change in his lifestyle and giving up the freedom is hard to do (for both of you) Yes - you need to try and tackle it now before it becomes to norm to not do his fair share with the baby but it is something that can be resolved.

nanbread · 01/05/2020 08:14

Honestly I think calling him a dick is a disservice to dicks. At least dicks have some use.

He sounds heartless and uncaring for both you and your son.

My DH split everything 50 50 with me when he was at home. Yes he'd been at work all day, but I'd been at home looking after a tricky baby all day.

And right now quite frankly you need the help and a break more than ever, with no friends to grab a cup of tea with, no ready made entertainment, a limit on outside time etc.

Time to lay down the law.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/05/2020 08:15

He’s a dick.

Time to start divvying up all tasks in a fair way - housework cooking child care and gardening

If he won’t play ball start planning your exit. One child is the easy bit. You do not want to be in this position when you have 2 kids and are back at work and if he was a decent human being he wouldn’t want it for you either

dellacucina · 01/05/2020 08:24

Dick

LajesticVantrashell · 01/05/2020 08:29

Honestly, if you don't address this and nip it in the bud now, it will fester and you will grow more and more resentful.

Do you get any time at the weekend alone? Do you share the lie ins? Does he do bath or bedtime?

If not, you need to start there.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 01/05/2020 08:34

“It would be nice of him to give me an hour..”

Honestly, raise your standards, split the work and childcare 50/50. Doing the garden requires the same effort as cleaning the house and taking care of the baby. So ensure he spends as much time as you working in the house and taking care of his child.

Life is full of manchildren but if you end up with one, you need to ask yourself the question, did he came like that or I made him one. To my surprise, I realised I was the one making them like that as I am very efficient and like things my own way. I don’t do more than my half these days, it takes time, but with lot of honest and calm conversation (and more patience to accept work will not be up to standard for a while) you can achieve a balance at home.

StoppinBy · 01/05/2020 08:34

If you both wanted to work outside together we used to have an 'outside portacot' for ours when they were little. Pop them in the shade, throw in some toys and they will usually be happy just hanging out with you.

RoLaren · 01/05/2020 08:37

It really reads like he doesn't want to spend time with his child. Does he show the baby affection? Very odd.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/05/2020 08:38

Classic selfish, sexist arsehole.

So sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his child. (Is he waiting for the baby to turn 8 or 16 or 21 before he deems them interesting enough to be worthy of his attention?).

You both work FT during working hours (and usually, commuting hours too).

What normal, nice people do, is share parenting in the evenings and at weekends. Everyone gets to spend time with their lovely baby. Everyone gets a much-needed break.

Equal leisure time (and money to spend on leisure interests, if you're really getting into it), is the classic and very useful measure of fairness and an equal, healthy relationship. Plus, family time all together, of course.

DocusDiplo · 01/05/2020 08:40

Dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/05/2020 08:41

I have no doubt at all that for him child care is very, very hard work, that can only be done in short bursts. Whereas for you, in his mind, it is easy peasy, natural and what you were made to do - as a mother and as his lifelong helpmeet.

Bouledeneige · 01/05/2020 08:42

Sexist prick.

And more importantly he is missing out on being a parent and bonding with his child. Its not about who is working harder - clearly he couldn't give a toss about you, but he also doesn't give a toss about his child. Sorry OP.

RigaBalsam · 01/05/2020 08:44

My ex was like this. Absolutely a lazy Father. We split when dd was 6 ( should have left 6 years before). She is now 12 and still isn’t keen on seeing him as he was never really involved except to lecture her. She loves him in her own way but he only has himself to blame. Though he blames me and my family.

TiddlestheCat · 01/05/2020 08:49

He's not just a dick. He's a humongous, horrendous selfish M&S dick!
You do the garden and let him look after the baby for a day, whilst doing housework. Or ditch the baby with him and take yourself out for a long walk.

thethoughtfox · 01/05/2020 08:51

Why doesn't he want to spend time with his child? He is being a shit husband and a shitter father. He is unlikely to change unless you do.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread